How to process your regrets and start over

Hi everyone!

Remaining too long with regret/being burdened by failure is like being Buridan’s ass which implies a paradox that a hungry donkey standing equidistant between two bales of hay will starve to death, paralyzed by the indecision about which nosh to choose.

Being frozen in place or feeling stuck in life is the worst thing for an intelligent and smart individual and it can either force a person to act immediately and jump into a new venture, which may work out great for them, if not, they would just move on to the next venture – it is crucial for these individuals to keep going. But then you get the ones who completely fall apart and based on the number of times it has happened to me, those kinds of people are my people.

Initially I would talk to my loved ones about it but they were both bad listeners and did not solve my problems so I needed a professional.  That was a very slow work in progress but after a few sessions I realised that we are webbed in such a complicated way from childhood and in order to understand how everything connects, one needs to unravel a lot of things that one thought were part of what one once deemed to be the permanent structure, but it was just something placed there temporarily that can no longer hold you.

So how do we start over:

1. Accept

Accept that you might have made a bad decision. Call it what it is – a stupid decision. Shame/Regret grows in secret. It becomes way bigger than what it is. It can grow to become a full blown irrational fear. That can grow to cause panic attacks and render you paralysed. So take it, look it, talk to it, accept that it happened, thank it for being part of your story (if more traumatic – turn the tragedy into a testimony or use it to serve others that are more traumatized by it), and then release the grip it has over you by setting it free or carrying along but this time, you are making it your strength.

2. Reject

In order to be what you aspire to be, you have to ‘kill’ who you are now. For example –if you want to be a business woman, you need to look into ways to become healthier, more organised and more resourceful. If you were a procrastinator before now you need to be persistent, ambitious and again – more organised. So you need to rejects parts of you that have even become habits in order to become a version of what you aspire to be. You need to decide to stop doing certain things. It will be hard sometimes but that is where you refer back to deciding what you need to become.

3. Action

This part is crucial. You will NOT see any changes without this last step. Once you have worked on the inside, it is time to take action on the outside. You can start by having an online planner or a diary/journal. You can set up meetings with potential clients. You prepare both positive and negative responses. You can also sign up for that those skills you wanted to obtain or experience you wanted to gain by doing a certain job. Action can also take place internally like building better boundaries, choosing who your close friends are or teaching yourself how to speak in front of a crowd.

It is not easy to start fresh but each day really does provide the opportunity to do so. I also think that living to meet the expectations of peers/family is irrational just like the fear one feels during a panic attack. Starting over might hurt if it makes your life uncomfortable for a few months/years but it is way better than foreseeing a whole 40-50 years of predictable unhappiness or not living the life you want because of people/reasons that are only applicable now.

This process can me emotional so I would recommend uninterrupted alone time in order to focus on it and really dig into why you are where you are mentally.

All the best!

Love,

Am I the problem?

Hi everyone!

I’ve never really been optimistic. As matter of fact, I always want to die when I talk to someone about an actual problem (already negative and most of the time colossal) and they spin me with the ‘it’s going to be alright’ sticker on my forehead. That tells me that they really want me to throw them in the fountain and walk away.

I know it sounds contradictory to most of my posts because I spend half of them telling you (and me) that everything happens for a reason and how to fix your current situation that I know too well. Today, after a failed conversation with my mom, I started writing this post mainly to identify a problem, rather than to fix it.

I had difficulty sleeping last night and I had those life questions scary nights. Where do I see myself in a year? Do I really want to get married? Am I built for relationships? Can I really raise 6 kids? Why am I not a millionaire? Am I still afraid of driving? Am I overloaded with other people’s problems? Why does my blog/channel not do that well? Why don’t I like to teach myself how to make myself pretty? Why don’t I like gyms? Why does my body hurt so much? When am I going to die? Will my kids do what I tell them? Do I want to raise them as a single mom? When am I getting a dog/cat? When am I renewing my license? Who takes care of me when I run out of fuel from taking care of others? When will I be truly happy? How will I know if I’m truly happy?

Drama right? I have these questions swirling in my mind, giving me heartburn! It’s not like I have all the answers but I truly feel so drained and absolutely exhausted! I think my brain has had the biggest crisis for the longest time. The moment I unplug for 4 days my mind literally lost it.

In a way I’m thankful this is happening because like I mentioned in my previous post, this is major decisions year and it was naïve of me to think that I will make one major decision and expect everything to fall into place. There are so many frustrating things. I think sometimes you can get lost in all that is happening around you and that causes RIDICULOUS PRESSURE. It’s so crucial in this time to know exactly who you are and what exactly makes you happy. You have to learn to switch off your mind to things you can’t change. And always speak (repetitively) good things into your life that will help you through those stubborn wrinkles that life gives you.

You can get so distracted by what other people are doing and certain choices they make. You can get so consumed with comparison. You can even spend nights awake thinking that you are just made ‘wrong’ and that you are the only person of your kind left on earth. You can even feel so misunderstood. By others and by yourself. However, always do something that you are conscious of. Always own your space. At the end of the day, only you can explain yourself to YOU.

Don’t let the river carry your body downstream.

Be present.

God KNOWS.

Making critical decisions

Hi Everyone!

It’s been exactly 3 months since my last post and almost 3 years since I felt really excited about my life and what’s to come. Today I think I feel more than ready to get back into blogging and the rest of my online life. So many things have changed! People have left and there are new people. Most of the women I follow are now moms and I would say some have had some procedures done – from boob jobs to fixing their teeth! What a time to be alive!

Recently I realized that I’ve creatively starved myself for so long and it’s so hard to get back into the groove. I think I’ve had tunnel vision for the longest time so it’s so hard to figure out where to start. I’m going to let you guys in on some changes. I’ve moved back home and got a new job. I’ve also sold my car (It’s been a year now) which still makes me an amateur driver and my mom won’t let me drive her car. My brother also moved back home which is driving me insane because we can only get along properly long distance. And my adopted sister is still in school which means that I share my room with her which is unacceptable at my age because I’m really missing out on night shift calls! LOL!

So how did we get here? All I can say is that we’ve had to make some critical choices and that’s what the rest of my life is going to be about. That is being deliberate. I’ve spent way too much time letting the river drag my corpse down to an unknown place. I want to be deliberate and even more specific about why I’m here. I’ve always wanted to travel but it always ended up no further than my wishlist and I’ve always wanted to be socially involved and I guess I get to do that with what I do know. I’ve also always wanted to be financially independent and I’ve made some hard choices that will hopefully help me get there.

Here’s the thing about critical decisions – they are never easy. Especially if you are a low risk person like me. You always want to make the right choice and never want it to have any consequences. I think this time around I really believe that ‘you do your best and God does the rest’ because of the way certain things happened - it just can’t be a coincidence! It’s all about that ‘off a cliff’ moment, when you know that God will catch you. You also have to allow change into your life. It might not be upward(or what others would consider upward); it could be a curve or a turn to the left that will eventually go up.

I’ve always considered the 20’s to be learning years. It can be intimidating when your peers or friends already know what they want but I really believe in that small voice. You always heard it when you chose the ‘wrong’ thing, it will eventually steer you toward the right thing because it has that peace factor that you can’t replace or find anywhere else no matter how far you look.

Life is a precious gift. This has been said a thousand times!

This time, treat it like one.

How to Love your Body

Hey Everyone!!

For the longest time I’ve cared too much of what people think of me. Wayyy too much!! I can’t wear this here or I can’t say this amongst these people… And as of late I’ve just been like who gives two shits?

Don’t misunderstand me. I care about my image. I care that people not know me coke-addicted professional side chick only because those are the things I’m not. But things that I am? Those are the things I refuse to let someone make me feel inferior about. And we all have to protect that about ourselves.

Let’s start with my body image.

I don’t have the traditional ‘African’ booty. And for the longest time I was too scared to wear bodycon dresses or skirts because I scared that people would say that I’m part of the ‘iron board society’. Surprisingly that’s all I’ve been wearing for work because I haven’t found any ‘workpants’ that I’m in love with. And you know what came out of it? I discovered that I have amazing legs!!

I wear make-up now. And where I work the women are okay being ‘naturally beautiful’ – which I have no problem with but they’re constantly trying to make you feel bad about wearing make-up. So since then I’ve been wearing bolder colours!! Because I DO NOT care about how they feel. I’m there to do a job. In style. I’m not there for them. And this comes in small condescending remarks covered by a super thin veil. Ignore it. They’re just trying to plant their insecurities on you. Listening to them will be like watering it.

Apply the same if someone is trying to body shame you. There’s no point in trying to bring down other women and make them feel small/insignificant! We’re fine doing it on our own – and that’s something we’re working on every day. So if someone wants to add onto that (not in a positive way) then walk away from that person or protect yourself against them.

Next is your walk.

Two people significantly changed how I walk in my life. One was my mom because she always wanted me to be a beauty queen so my shoulders had to be super straight. And the other one was at uni. I was super depressed at times and this one girl was like: “you always walk like you’re tired, its 8 am!” At the time I wanted to set her on fire but she’ll never know how much that has changed my life. Now I’m always telling people to walk up straight or in a way that portrays more confidence.

The face.

People always tell me that I look ‘unapproachable’ and each time my jaw just drops because I always think that my face looks friendly. Then I realised that it’s probably because I’m listening to all the people in my head which could result in frowning or the ‘bitchface syndrome’. So now I smile more and greet people first because in that way they’re free to approach me. Ever since I started doing that people found it not so scary to talk to me anymore and I want to keep it that way!

Have you found some similarities in the things I just mentioned?

Share with me!

How to End the year like a LEGEND!

Hi Everyone!!

At this point in the year we’re all getting exhausted. We just can’t wait for the summer time even though we’ve only gone through winter for a short time. Everyone is letting go of all the essentials: the hair (solution: winter hats and beanies), the waxing (seriously? You’re in stockings all day and leg warmers at night and long sleeve tops), the exercising (it’s too cold and you’d rather remain in bed) and the New Year’s Resolutions (gurl, that was 6 months ago okaaaaaaaay??)

So a couple of thoughts come up.

1.       How will you spend the rest of the year?

2.       Re-evaluate your goals/adjust /create new ones?

3.       Make life altering changes?

If you’ve gotten comfy with your surroundings and you haven’t done something exciting all year you obviously need to shake things up. It must be awful to drag yourself all year. You have no memories of anything and you can’t remember when you did what because you’re passing through your own life!

-Make a list of things you want to do! Things you like but haven’t done and atleast attempt to do one thing!

-Surround yourself with people with similar interests. Challenge each other in becoming better version of yourselves. Don’t compete. There’s nothing that tears girls apart faster than that (except boys, LOL)

-If the goals you made at the beginning of the year are unrealistic, don’t scrap them – just re-adjust. Make them more flexible and make them work for you. There’s nothing worse than being strangled by a schedule that you created.

-My life altering change would be to change careers but I’m not financially ready for it. Even taking a leap needs planning. You don’t want to hate yourself for pursuing a dream. Your dream will die and then you won’t have anything to live for and that is worse than a tragedy.

-Be ready for anything. Never limit yourself in a little box. I did that for years and finally when I realized how round the earth was, I started opening myself up to new possibilities. In order to go to New York I had to go through a panel interview. Guys, a one on one interview used to render me mute!  And then I had to go through five accomplished adults. One man came out of the interview and told the next candidate what an amazing young woman I was and if you ask me today what the questions were – I wouldn’t even be able to tell you because I was so scared. And then a couple of months later I took my first flight to the Big Apple. Risks=Rewards.

-Shy doesn’t mean unable. When I was younger I used to think that no-one wants to hear me speak. I think I didn’t want to hear myself speak. I just thought that seeing that I wasn’t outspoken, my opinion didn’t matter. And that’s how most things passed me by. Looking back, that’s the worst thing that I had to go through in highschool but finding myself step by step was also good for me!

All the above mentioned options are all open and are without restriction. Shake off the last 6 months and look forward to shaking things up in the second part of the year!

Live loud. And Live Free!

Till next time!!

xx

Cropped and Midi

Hi everyone!!

I hope you guys are doing well!! 

So a while ago I got this midi skirt and I just didn't have anything that could go with it so it just gathered dust in my closet until I found this crop top! And then suddenly the world made sense again!

I haven't worn this out yet and I thought I would share the combo with you guys! 

What do you think?

Top - MrPrice

Skirt - MrPrice

Shoes - Fashion World(old)

If thumbs up - let me know!!

@closetfreedom

Workable Print

Hi everyone!!

I've been drowing in bodycon/pencil skirts recently so it's pretty much dominating my closet right now! So this is one of the looks I have for work! This skirt is so amazing because the print is perfect for a variety of colours(normally I keep the top plain) and I personally think it can fit any body shape!!

What do you guys think?

Shirt - Legit(old)

Skirt - MrPrice

Shoes - Fashion World

Earrings - mom's jewelry box(she doesn't know I took them)

HOW TO shop for boys| BASICS

Hi everyone!

So recently an old friend of mine asked me to help him set up a new wardrobe.

Some background…This one time I went out to breakfast with him, he wore blue trackpants, white sneakers and a hoodie – let’s just say I had a lot of meditation to do on our way there. But it didn’t really bother me because I knew that that’s probably what he found ‘comfortable’. LAAAWD!!

Keep in mind is that this guy is a bit shy, nerdy and about my height if I’m wearing flats.

My focus is to find him a comfortable wardrobe and add a little something extra.
Make him a bit noticeable.

So I’m thinking more Adam Levine/Lunga Shabalala/Lala’s Chris/Chris Pine/Aldis Hodge
If you don’t know Aldis Hodge – he’s that gorg guy on Leverage!! I’ve married him a couple of times while I was daydreaming.

So here’s what I’m what I’m looking for.

-A lot of basic tees. I also have to keep in mind that winter is around the corner so I’ll also be getting some long-sleeved ones.
-Up to 4/5 new quality denim pants. I’m not really into skinny jeans for guys. Some guys just can’t pull it off. So I’ll opt for that 5th one to be a beige/dark green chino. It doesn’t stand out too much to draw eyes to him.
-I also love a good old fashioned denim jacket so I prefer those thrifted. But not for a denim on denim look. Again – some guys just can’t pull it off. I also want to add casual blazer in there and one leather jacket(only if he looks good in it)
-For some winter gear. Guys, I’m a total sucker for a guy in amazing knitwear. Especially if he’s rocking that look with a 3 day old stubble and grey beanie? I just say my husband flash in front of me ( #justsaying). So I’ll be looking around for some cardigans and wool jerseys.
-And then shirts. I have no problem with a white shirt and black tie. But seriously get some colour in there! I think light-skinned guys can pull off darker colours. But dark-skinned guys should stay away from those colours and stick to the lighter side of the colour palette. Right now I’m into the white/blue combinations, soft pink/purple colours and the ones with a distinctive print. I think they look gorg on anyone. Just a sidenote – blonde guys should never wear light green. Omw.
Every guy has shoes and belts. But I think I’ll get this guy a brown combination. I lot of guys have been rocking that with blue suits! So gorg. On anyone! I’m not really a fan of belt buckles so I’d keep it clean and simple.
I think guys should have shoes for every occasion too. Not the same shoes for every occasion! Sneakers are fine. Just pick their days. Also, there’d different types of sneakers so have days for them too. Formal shoes for me shoes look classy. Not with gold/silver studs or to long that it curls up at the front (goodness!) Also (this is a preference) the shine should be minimal. I’d rather have you earrings that have the shoes do that function.
A new look isn’t complete without trying a new hairstyle. For guys – the options are limited but I’d like to think that nerds are wildcards so they can pretty much try anything because they’ve stuck ‘to what works’ for a long time. So that celebrity hairstyle that’s on your phone? Get it done!
As I’m writing this I’m realizing how much more I have to say! So let’s call this part one of minimal style for guys. If you guys want to discuss it further please let me know in the comments below!
What would you add to make my friend’s wardrobe more complete? How different/similar is your style?
Xx
Jabi

How to Disconnect

Hi everyone!

Last year was a pretty awful year and so many things just went wrong. I was exhausted - mentally, physically and just so emotionally drained. If you really want to be happy be sure that you know what you want to become before you run off to college because it’s really in those last moments when you’ll have to decide if something is really worth it. Learnt that the hard way.

So I’m going to take you through the journey I went through when my world came crashing down. To be clear - this ended up being the best thing that has happened to me. When you’re a level 2 control freak like me, your world no longer makes sense when you’re not in control.
So this is what I went through to completely let go:

Go home.

Delete your Facebook account. Don’t just avoid it. Delete it and never go back till you’re ready. All you’re missing is just people having a good time and that will make you feel worse about what you’re going through.

Log out of Twitter. If you want to follow recent fashion trends or follow people who do positive things like pastors and motivational speakers – then open up another twitter account and only follow them. When you’re better you can always delete it and go back to the one you had.

Delete Whatsapp. If you have caring friends then they’ll obviously worry about you. You know you’re not okay so imagine them asking you if you’re okay everyday? It will drive you insane!! Cut off all communication.

Tell your friends in advance. If you’re going on a journey of total isolation, it
doesn’t mean that people will stop looking for you. So tell your friends that you need some time. It’s important to assure them that you will let them know when you’re available again. I took 3 months for me to be alone and having friends who understood that made it a do-able journey.

Tell your family to leave you alone. If you have a mom like mine, something like that is not easy and was an ongoing struggle for me. She just didn’t understand what I was going through. She wanted me to have ‘a plan’ and for the first time I wanted to let go of all my plans and she wouldn’t let me. It will always end up in an argument, then I’ll cry and she’ll let me have a day or 2 and then start pecking at me again. Up until one day my cousins spoke to her and she gave me some breathing room. If your family doesn’t listen to you get someone who they will listen to, to speak to them.

Make a decision about atleast one thing. When at cross roads you definitely know that one of those roads are definitely not worth travelling. You’re not sure about it but you definitely know it won’t bring you happiness. Sometimes your family will force you to go on it because they think it’s what is best for you and because the one you want has no promises. It is here where you need to take a stand a make a decision that you know will benefit you in the long run.
Prayer. Obviously we are all different. But through my journey all I could do was pray. Pray that I didn’t make the wrong decision and also that something will happen that will show me where to go. Since then I’ve been so blessed and showered with favour. And that’s another thing about things just happening…it’s hard. It comes with other factors that will test how much you want this new thing that’s just been handed to you. Perseverance is key.
I feel like I can talk all day about this topic because it has really shaped my life to where it is now. I feel different and I can say that I’m happy about letting go. It’s truly liberating!
Talk soon
Jabi

Introvert girls’ guide to appreciating a good guy

Hi everyone!!

Today’s post is basically my opinion on how to choose the one who chooses your heart.

I think some of my best friends are so close to my heart because we share the same values. So through the years we’ve just had our own life experiences and now we are here. Where we definitely know what we don’t want. And it’s truly amazing to get here in one piece.

So this is an open letter to my friend…and to all girls who can identify with it.

I know almost nothing about love. So this is a bit out of my element. Never really been
in love either so I don’t know what it’s like to jump off a roof like that hoping that he will catch you. I guess I’ve just never put so much trust in anyone. Never mind a guy. I just don’t have the courage to do that yet. So this is just some background.

But through all the years in high school and 5 years of university I’ve learnt some valuable lessons through the eyes of my friends’ life experiences.

Today I think I’ll look through the eyes of my one best friend.

Love comes in all shapes and personalities. People just express themselves differently. My mom always says that as girls there are certain things that we just can’t live without. Or go the whole day without hearing. And we’re all different in this regard. We want to hear that we are loved and we want people to tell us things that they’ve noticed that make us unique. Like how they see that you’re stressed/upset/worried without us knowing that we were reacting that way. Or hear them say something you thought went in the one ear and the out the other. Or when they surprise you without a reason or randomly pick you up for coffee/ a random walk.

Having grown up conservatively and I guess under difficult financial pressure we’re just obsessed with finding someone who can take care of us. We can take care of ourselves, ofcourse, that’s why we worked extra hard in school to make something of ourselves. So I guess on the way we just want to stop carrying the world on our shoulders and just kick back our heels and briefcases and have a glass of wine brought to us now and again. Is that really too much to ask? Lol!

I just think that now we need be free. We know what we want so instead of looking for it we should be careful not to let it pass by in pursuit of something perfect. Love is not something we find, it’s really something we create. Just like the SELF. And I’ve truly learnt that the hard way. And it was through the journey of trying to find myself that I came to the realization that I need to re-create.

Same with love. Walk away if it doesn’t bring you what you need (which is like the hardest part) in order to sustain happiness. Life is still happening. And I’d just prefer going through it with my best friend who’s also looking for happiness.  And has lots of it to give.

Share your experiences with me!!

Comment with your links below – I would love to read your story!

Xx

Jabi

Classic NYE look

Hi everyone!

I hope you had a fantastic entry into the new year!

I'll be quick!

Here I created a sort of dinner party look. I'm not into clubbing or crowdy places so I'll probably always spend my new year indoors and just having a good reflective evening with close friends and good food!

The look is sort of dramatic because I still wanted that classic look and what better than a bright red lip?! I hope you like it! Talk to me in the comments section! xx

Jewelry- handmade gift(2009)

Top + Skirt - MrPrice

Shoes - Dunns

Reach me --@closetfreedom

Breezy Flow

Hey everyone!!

Quick update!

I'm at home so goodbye anytime internet access which means that I will not uploading consistently until I can live in a city again! I will, however, be using an internet cafe to load quick ootds and a few reviews.

So it's been super windy and cold here at home and also super humid at the same time. I have afro type hair so it's very difficult to maintain it myself so I just lock it up in bigsize cornrows!!
You'll be seeing this A LOT!!

When I came home I wore this last minute Cotton On purchase and it has really become a staple piece. Really light fabric and bold print makes it an effortless choice for a breezy ootd. A winter hat would have been an awesome way to accessorize it!

Jeans - Fashion World

Shoes - MrPrice

Top - CottonOn

xx

Free Stripes

Hi everyone!!

In the past 2 weeks I've been trying to re-brand my blog when I wasn't in bed running back and forth into the future. I have future anxiety sometimes..sigh. Anyway ..so when I woke this morning I realized that I haven't blogged or filmed in a while. So this morning I decided to show you guys some recent purchases. I got this t-shirt dress from Cotton On.

What do you guys think of it?!

Here I paired it with my awesome denim jacket for light layering.

The fabric is super soft and amazing. Definitely worth the price.

And..

most importantly it will make you want to do this ...all the time!

Twirl dress!!

Dress - Cotton On

Shoes - MrPrice

Reach me --->>@closetfreedom

Watch me-->>My channel

xx

Date Night #2 || Olive

Hi everyone!!

I think that this week my mind has been in a 'what if' mode. Naturally, I hate feeling this way because it's like a master class of worrying and I'm the only one in attendance. So I thought I'd blog more and make more videos. Then I realized that I have like zero clothes or I'm sick of my current clothes! So this weekend I've scheduled a much needed total world class shopping experience!!!

I'm currently in the middle of a lookbook on my channel and I've done a flirty and classy look so I was looking for a more boyfriend x fancy combo so this is what I came up with!!

Lemme know what you think!

You can also try it with beige/leopard print flats!

All items are from MrPrice

Flats are from Ackermans

xx

Reach me --->>@closetfreedom

Be on the look out for my new datenight lookbook coming soon

My Channel

New Haul! ||MrPrice, Edgars and thrifted items!!

Date night || Flirty circle skirt

Hi everyone!!

So ..today I had a good day! My friend is getting married in 2 months so I went with her all over town to find some bridesmaid dresses. It's such an amazing experience and later on a knot started forming in her stomach when she suddenly realized how 'real' all of it was. To be honest I'd be freaking out sooo soo much if I was in her shoes! 

This knot also forms within me whenever I'm in skirts. This one I bought with my eyes closed because I didn't want to change my mind once I had it. And the one time I wore it, I felt really uneasy.

I have a leg showing shyness(if that's an illness?) so I assume background wherever I

am, but this one is a real headturner! So if you want to accomplish that, get one of these for the summer real soon!!

All items worn are from MrPrice

xx

Reach me here -->>@closetfreedom

New haul coming up on my channel soon

Watch it here

Casual Weekend Lookbook

Thrifted :: Colour Splash

Heloo;)


I'm on a total roll today!!

So today I woke up feeling amazing! Had a 6hour test yesterday and I took a strong sleeping pill so I got about 10 hours of sleep! So when I went to get food earlier I felt the need to wear this amazing maxi dress my mom thrifted for me!! To make it clear, I DESPISED it at first, then one day I saw it amongst a box of my clothes my mom prepares annually to give to charity and it made me weep after I tried it on. Now its one of my favourite thrifted pieces!

What do you think?

Dress ~ thrifted

Shoes ~ Ackermans(old)

Enjoy the rest of your Sunday!!

Reach me here --->>@closetfreedom

My videos --->>my channel

xx