How to process your regrets and start over

Hi everyone!

Remaining too long with regret/being burdened by failure is like being Buridan’s ass which implies a paradox that a hungry donkey standing equidistant between two bales of hay will starve to death, paralyzed by the indecision about which nosh to choose.

Being frozen in place or feeling stuck in life is the worst thing for an intelligent and smart individual and it can either force a person to act immediately and jump into a new venture, which may work out great for them, if not, they would just move on to the next venture – it is crucial for these individuals to keep going. But then you get the ones who completely fall apart and based on the number of times it has happened to me, those kinds of people are my people.

Initially I would talk to my loved ones about it but they were both bad listeners and did not solve my problems so I needed a professional.  That was a very slow work in progress but after a few sessions I realised that we are webbed in such a complicated way from childhood and in order to understand how everything connects, one needs to unravel a lot of things that one thought were part of what one once deemed to be the permanent structure, but it was just something placed there temporarily that can no longer hold you.

So how do we start over:

1. Accept

Accept that you might have made a bad decision. Call it what it is – a stupid decision. Shame/Regret grows in secret. It becomes way bigger than what it is. It can grow to become a full blown irrational fear. That can grow to cause panic attacks and render you paralysed. So take it, look it, talk to it, accept that it happened, thank it for being part of your story (if more traumatic – turn the tragedy into a testimony or use it to serve others that are more traumatized by it), and then release the grip it has over you by setting it free or carrying along but this time, you are making it your strength.

2. Reject

In order to be what you aspire to be, you have to ‘kill’ who you are now. For example –if you want to be a business woman, you need to look into ways to become healthier, more organised and more resourceful. If you were a procrastinator before now you need to be persistent, ambitious and again – more organised. So you need to rejects parts of you that have even become habits in order to become a version of what you aspire to be. You need to decide to stop doing certain things. It will be hard sometimes but that is where you refer back to deciding what you need to become.

3. Action

This part is crucial. You will NOT see any changes without this last step. Once you have worked on the inside, it is time to take action on the outside. You can start by having an online planner or a diary/journal. You can set up meetings with potential clients. You prepare both positive and negative responses. You can also sign up for that those skills you wanted to obtain or experience you wanted to gain by doing a certain job. Action can also take place internally like building better boundaries, choosing who your close friends are or teaching yourself how to speak in front of a crowd.

It is not easy to start fresh but each day really does provide the opportunity to do so. I also think that living to meet the expectations of peers/family is irrational just like the fear one feels during a panic attack. Starting over might hurt if it makes your life uncomfortable for a few months/years but it is way better than foreseeing a whole 40-50 years of predictable unhappiness or not living the life you want because of people/reasons that are only applicable now.

This process can me emotional so I would recommend uninterrupted alone time in order to focus on it and really dig into why you are where you are mentally.

All the best!

Love,

The (T)EA in TALK #1: Attachment Fears

Hi everyone!

It is finally time to launch my new segment! The title is not rolling off my tongue yet but I know it will stick! LOL! I think that this will be a good psychological outlet for me. I feel like I’ve always been the rock my friends and family could rely on but since last year I’ve felt so alone and vulnerable and I absolutely HATE IT. Sometimes I think that I’ve always been like this but now it’s rearing its ugly head more and more.

As you can tell from the title, today I’m addressing one of my biggest fears. My commitment phobia. I’ve always been there – I always choose to jump before I’m pushed out. As I’ve previously mentioned in my alonetime these days I always read some interesting articles and I want to feature them in these segments. I follow Marie Claire on twitter and I really feel like such num num for not being on their subscription because they have some awesome articles for women.

The one I came across, that I’ve shared multiple times already, is the article about a woman that has the exact same fears as me – only she’s already married. I feel like I’ve read it over and over. And if someone wants to have an argument with me about when my commitment phobia will end, I remain mute and send them an e-mail with the link. I feel like there’s no-one who explains it better.

I don’t think that my parents’ divorce bother me. I’ve always thought that they were a mismatch. My mom receives love in affirmation (words of love) and gifts (small) and she always needs to be encouraged. She’s also very specific in what she wants. She can be very pushy and stubborn but mostly loving and evolving. My father on the other hand is very straight to the point. His point. Extremely inconsiderate, secretive and has elements of a realist. Also very quiet and ‘in his own world’ so to speak. So in other words – even though she was married, she was always feeling lonely.

And that is the reason why I’m hesitant to let anyone close. I’m yet to come across someone who is so caring that it is irritating. And I have a severe need for security but at the same time – independence. I also feel like most guys around their 30s (or born in the 80s) are extremely traditional. Which I mostly link with how extremely pro man they are and they have all these misconceptions about how women should act and what they should do.

I want to be looked at as an individual first. I want to have a sense of freedom but also feel secure & safe. I want a listener and a person who will make an awesome and present dad. A person who evolves and always wants to be better themselves. A humble & generous soul who has great social skills.

If you stand back and look at this – it screams one thing. I want the OPPOSITE OF MY FATHER. Does that mean I have Daddy Issues? I don’t think so. Ever since I accepted that my father can’t be the Dad I’ve always wanted – we’ve been getting along like a house on fire! The only consequence of our relationship is the fact that I use him as a benchmark when looking for a suitable partner because I want no trace of him in my next chapter.

Thought you had issues..

LOL,

How is your relationship with your dad? Does it affect how you look at your partner? Can you relate to the article like me?

Why Alone Time is Important

Hi everyone!

I literally CAN NOT WAIT to share what I’ve been learning in my new course. Don’t want to be too excited about it but I can’t believe how much I’m liking it! I want to introduce a segment on my blog for the lifestyle called ‘THE (T)EA IN TALK’ which I just thought of yesterday. If I think about it too long it starts to not make sense so I’m running with it!

As I’m trying to navigate through January I’m realizing how strong I’ve become because as per my previous post you can imagine that I haven’t had the best start to the year but in the back of my mind I secretly know that 2017 will be the best year EVER! I’m not just saying that because I hope that will happen but because I’m not going to repeat the same mistakes of 2016. It’s as if my lungs are just recharged (if you were with me physically, I would have said relunged) HAHA!! Omw, what’s wrong with me?

So! With all of this happening I can definitely say that it is hard for me to be charged up all the time. I’m also learning how to drive which has been the worst because I grew up being terrified of driving (My mom is a nervous wreck when she tries to teach me so she freaks out, cries and gives up and my father never owned a car) so I don’t have the best background when it comes to this which is adding block to my progress because I want to be completely independent.

So this week every day (planning to do this till end of January) I’ve been spending some quiet time looking out to the undisturbed plantation at my backyard and catching up on some magazines that I bought but never read. I've also been taking really long baths with scented salts and candles to treat my body. It’s been so lovely that I’ve actually started looking forward to it.

What’s the goal with alone time?

·         So many things rushing in my head. I just want some silence and sometimes the only way to do that is to introduce new and fresh info (like magazine articles and reading people's stories)

·         To really look at myself in a calm state and actually say…despite what’s happening, I WILL BE OKAY.

·         To actually let something sink in well enough to make a decision. E.g: I’ve been stressing about finding a suitable new flatmate since I kicked out my brother in Dec (he contributed to my daily stress) but I’ve processed the situation well enough to know that if I don’t find someone I need to find another place to live.

·         It frees me from my writer’s block that I’ve had for months!

·         It helps me deal with my reality

·         It de-stresses my body. I’m the type of person who gets physical signs of stress. Which is highlighted mostly by extreme fatigue, extreme tension headaches and sometimes by a runny stomach. Sometimes I neglect my diet which leads to obvious weight gain and on other days I don’t eat at all which then leads to dizziness and extreme insomnia.

·         It helps me plan. Sometimes there’s so much to do and so little time and resources so I you can plan and make compromises – you can deal with it better!

Quiet time might sound like a waste of time but I truly advice you try it when your world is going for a spin (other than the spin the Earth already makes) LOL, Omw. Invest in YOU!

LOVE,