How to process your regrets and start over

Hi everyone!

Remaining too long with regret/being burdened by failure is like being Buridan’s ass which implies a paradox that a hungry donkey standing equidistant between two bales of hay will starve to death, paralyzed by the indecision about which nosh to choose.

Being frozen in place or feeling stuck in life is the worst thing for an intelligent and smart individual and it can either force a person to act immediately and jump into a new venture, which may work out great for them, if not, they would just move on to the next venture – it is crucial for these individuals to keep going. But then you get the ones who completely fall apart and based on the number of times it has happened to me, those kinds of people are my people.

Initially I would talk to my loved ones about it but they were both bad listeners and did not solve my problems so I needed a professional.  That was a very slow work in progress but after a few sessions I realised that we are webbed in such a complicated way from childhood and in order to understand how everything connects, one needs to unravel a lot of things that one thought were part of what one once deemed to be the permanent structure, but it was just something placed there temporarily that can no longer hold you.

So how do we start over:

1. Accept

Accept that you might have made a bad decision. Call it what it is – a stupid decision. Shame/Regret grows in secret. It becomes way bigger than what it is. It can grow to become a full blown irrational fear. That can grow to cause panic attacks and render you paralysed. So take it, look it, talk to it, accept that it happened, thank it for being part of your story (if more traumatic – turn the tragedy into a testimony or use it to serve others that are more traumatized by it), and then release the grip it has over you by setting it free or carrying along but this time, you are making it your strength.

2. Reject

In order to be what you aspire to be, you have to ‘kill’ who you are now. For example –if you want to be a business woman, you need to look into ways to become healthier, more organised and more resourceful. If you were a procrastinator before now you need to be persistent, ambitious and again – more organised. So you need to rejects parts of you that have even become habits in order to become a version of what you aspire to be. You need to decide to stop doing certain things. It will be hard sometimes but that is where you refer back to deciding what you need to become.

3. Action

This part is crucial. You will NOT see any changes without this last step. Once you have worked on the inside, it is time to take action on the outside. You can start by having an online planner or a diary/journal. You can set up meetings with potential clients. You prepare both positive and negative responses. You can also sign up for that those skills you wanted to obtain or experience you wanted to gain by doing a certain job. Action can also take place internally like building better boundaries, choosing who your close friends are or teaching yourself how to speak in front of a crowd.

It is not easy to start fresh but each day really does provide the opportunity to do so. I also think that living to meet the expectations of peers/family is irrational just like the fear one feels during a panic attack. Starting over might hurt if it makes your life uncomfortable for a few months/years but it is way better than foreseeing a whole 40-50 years of predictable unhappiness or not living the life you want because of people/reasons that are only applicable now.

This process can me emotional so I would recommend uninterrupted alone time in order to focus on it and really dig into why you are where you are mentally.

All the best!

Love,

Why 2019 needs to be different

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone is doing well. It has taken so much courage to write this post today. I had reserved all of December 2018 for blogging and videos and ended up doing neither. I did, however, film and upload some vlogmas content but it’s so far the least watched videos on my channel, so that was a bust. So thinking of blogging again became a distant memory and I just carried on lazying around the house until work started in 2019.

In a way, I’m disappointed in myself for ‘wasting’ all that time but on the other hand, I got to spend some real quality time with my family and nothing is better than that. Since 2019 started I’ve been seeing a lot of people really seeing value in themselves and hustling more than ever. I think 2018’s anxiety & depression scare really made people wake up and realise that they’ve only got one life and they need to make the best of it.

Personally, I’ve had my own ‘wake up’ as well. Last year, I was riddled with guilt for turning back on a career that I’ve spent 8 years of my life on. I was mad at myself that I didn’t value myself enough while I was there which resulted in my assessments not being dealt with accordingly and I also blamed myself and regretted that I didn’t get out sooner. These days all I do is forgive myself for this daily.

I completely let go of my physical value last year. I was eating A LOT of friend chicken, lots of soda, lots of wine which ended up being lots of cocktails. I never exercised. Then a time came where I just threw clothes on, not a care in the world on what I looked like or how I was being perceived. I now have a lot of cellulite on my thighs and I can’t get away with wearing short dresses (for now). Even though I haven’t made plans yet, I feel like my mind has now come around to accepting that I can do exercises at home.

Work is better this year because half my workload was given to someone else. This now gives me more time to be present. Last year, I had to run to each and every class and I was only half prepared for each of them. I intend to use my new free space to be the most prepared teacher to my students because I want them to learn as much as possible and to have good, prepared fun! LOL!

I think 2019 has to be different for a lot of us because we’ve tried a whole bunch of things that completely failed. Whether it’s a youtube channel, a blog, an Instagram page, an online business, a podcast, a brand deal or a collaboration. But, we keep going because time waits for no man. And we can’t all be successful in everything we do. Even people we look up to know had a lot of failed ventures before becoming what they are. Sometimes it takes expanding, demolishing, rebranding or other techniques for an idea to work and become a business.

What I’ve seen is that people are tired of letting one failure define them.

Be that person. Try again.

Start writing again, filming again, making those phone calls again, recruiting again or come up with a new idea! Either way, let’s get up and go!

With love,

Changing your reality

Hi everyone!

September is basically birthday month for ALL my friends. Seeing that we’re so far away from each other this year I decided to dig up some old videos and photos from varsity and share it on our Whatsapp group. LOL! They freaked out so much. And we just laughed because we really did have good times.

It also made me realize how much time has gone by. Next week is our 8^th annual family reunion and this is my 3^rd year in the working world. I feel like going into an emotional fit because exactly 3 years ago I told my family that Auditing & Accounting is not a good career for me. I remember them being really tense about it. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make because I had just finished up my 5^th year at university that time but I remember being so relieved that I came to that conclusion.

You guys know the story but fast forward to 3 years later, I’ve never felt this depressed in my life. My blog became a place where I shared all the frustrations and a quick fix guide to ‘getting it together’. To be quite honest that really helped me because I would be completely depressed if I didn’t have an outlet for all the negativity. I also feel like I’ve had the most breakdowns than I’ve ever had in my life. Surviving them, only to be brought back into the same situation is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

A few days ago my friend called me in the morning and asked me what I was up to and if I’m alright. At this point in my life – I truly hate that question. The answer is no and please don’t ask me why because the answer is the same. It also brought up the topic of good days and bad days. I’m never okay but I have a job and bills therefore I can’t lie in bed and not get out. When I tried doing that legally, I got a written warning because we’re short staffed and we have a lot of work. So then I don’t have a choice. It’s either I quit or continue to do a job I despise.

Right now all the stress eating and a lack of self-care is showing. I feel so heavy and tired all the time. I never wear make-up to work because I always need to ‘make it’ through the day rather than have a normal work day. I spend my weekend indoors because I’m avoiding to much contact because people who want to catch up have actual stories while I’m still unhappy about my life. These days I’m unhappy with myself.  I’m ruining me. I no longer invest in myself.

Days can go by without me actually knowing what’s happening. I always have deadline upon deadline and the job is getting harder and harder. Worst part is that I need to be fully awake. There are so many changes in my career and I always need to know how it affects my client. And I really couldn’t care less. This makes my contribution worthless. It also makes me the weakest link because the public relies on the work I do and the fact that I never thought about it in that till now absolutely scares and depresses me even more.

Here’s the point (because I can’t stop talking about this): No matter how positive you try to be, you can’t cover unhappiness. You can push a boulder up the mountain but it will only get there if the motive is beneficial for you/result will work in your favour. If not, then the boulder will, if not immediately, eventually crush you. And that’s my life. Mornings are the hardest. I have a second when I have to ponder if my job is worth it. I have to think about all the wrong decisions taken that lead me to this point. And I wouldn’t wish that even on the worst person on this earth.

It’s why it’s important to always revisit the questions: What is my purpose on this Earth? What am I doing? And who am I doing it for? Walking away might not be in the cards but it’s always so important to use all your available time to keep telling yourself that you have purpose and that you are deserving of a way out and that you will not always be drowning in your own sorrow.

Change your free time. Make sure that you don’t spend it crying about what you hate doing!! See if that works!!

xx

Effective Problem Solving & Life Update

Hi everyone!

It’s been a few weeks now and I thought I should give you guys a life update. It’s only been 3 months into 2017 and I feel like I’ve gotten through more things than I have in 2016. I think last year I didn’t really deal with it in the right way so I’m trying several new methods this year that will hopefully be more sustainable.

All my spheres are basically under attack. Especially my family and that’s a real emotional soft spot for me because I’ve always been a worrier (changes in progress). I know that everyone has their own individual family issues which can be so much worse than mine so I’m not going to waste time going into details about it. My first priority this year was to move away from carrying full responsibility for their health, happiness and satisfaction. Now, this sounds very tough because, like most people, no-one wants to disappoint their family.

So as I’m doing this I’ve just realized that in order to succeed/pull this off I’ll need to shut down certain aspects of me that actually contribute to me as a person. Which includes generosity, caring for others and the desire to always assist in coming up with a plan (which is a skill I learned recently – prior to that I would just break down and cry if I hit a wall). I’ve always seen myself as having a huge guilty conscious – which up until recently I thought was good thing. I ‘used’ it to prevent me from lying and in order to keep my promises. LOL! I know, I know. In order to regain my power I had to learn to say No and to return ‘plscallme’ with another ‘plscallme’.

I had to learn to stop following up on things that don’t concern me. I’ve always been a gladiator for my friends and family. Always made sure that they were fine a week from now, a month from now and a year from now. And that has to stop. Mostly because it has become so expensive now that I have to call them. I also had to stop following up on things that do concern me. Especially things I can’t change. With my history with my father I sort of had to learn to accept people as they are and not how I want them to be. But for some reason my mind would not let me apply that to my own sibling and he has clearly taken advantage of my goodness and generosity for far too long without looking back to the damage it has caused me.

So in order to deal with it I had to build more walls in order to protect myself and in order to prioritize. I had to learn to put myself first. As I’m writing this, there’s so many people I want to catch up with and ‘follow up’ on them to see if they are coping but that goes against putting myself first because I haven’t stopped to ask myself: Am I okay? Am I satisfied? Where’s my life going? Am I still trying every day to be in line with my purpose? What is my purpose? Am I where God wants me to be? Am I growing at a reasonable pace? What is a reasonable pace? Am I making progress in my life?

Answers to these questions take time. And they also evolve. Some people go through an entire lifetime without asking themselves. Can you imagine what that’s like? To some it sounds easy right? Until you really have to evaluate the answers and the angle/perspective you’re answering them from. One thing I’m learning right now is to unload. I’m giving some things away that I’ve carried with me for years! Because by hoarding it, there’s no space for new things. I also feel like interacting with people less because they don’t realize that their view of me (or previous me) slows me down into developing into the person I want to be.

Life has no correct answers. In order to solve a problem you must first acknowledge it (even if it’s you) and then evaluate several possible outcomes and choose the one that will work for you (not the socially acceptable one) and then implement it!

Be brave!

xx

Why Alone Time is Important

Hi everyone!

I literally CAN NOT WAIT to share what I’ve been learning in my new course. Don’t want to be too excited about it but I can’t believe how much I’m liking it! I want to introduce a segment on my blog for the lifestyle called ‘THE (T)EA IN TALK’ which I just thought of yesterday. If I think about it too long it starts to not make sense so I’m running with it!

As I’m trying to navigate through January I’m realizing how strong I’ve become because as per my previous post you can imagine that I haven’t had the best start to the year but in the back of my mind I secretly know that 2017 will be the best year EVER! I’m not just saying that because I hope that will happen but because I’m not going to repeat the same mistakes of 2016. It’s as if my lungs are just recharged (if you were with me physically, I would have said relunged) HAHA!! Omw, what’s wrong with me?

So! With all of this happening I can definitely say that it is hard for me to be charged up all the time. I’m also learning how to drive which has been the worst because I grew up being terrified of driving (My mom is a nervous wreck when she tries to teach me so she freaks out, cries and gives up and my father never owned a car) so I don’t have the best background when it comes to this which is adding block to my progress because I want to be completely independent.

So this week every day (planning to do this till end of January) I’ve been spending some quiet time looking out to the undisturbed plantation at my backyard and catching up on some magazines that I bought but never read. I've also been taking really long baths with scented salts and candles to treat my body. It’s been so lovely that I’ve actually started looking forward to it.

What’s the goal with alone time?

·         So many things rushing in my head. I just want some silence and sometimes the only way to do that is to introduce new and fresh info (like magazine articles and reading people's stories)

·         To really look at myself in a calm state and actually say…despite what’s happening, I WILL BE OKAY.

·         To actually let something sink in well enough to make a decision. E.g: I’ve been stressing about finding a suitable new flatmate since I kicked out my brother in Dec (he contributed to my daily stress) but I’ve processed the situation well enough to know that if I don’t find someone I need to find another place to live.

·         It frees me from my writer’s block that I’ve had for months!

·         It helps me deal with my reality

·         It de-stresses my body. I’m the type of person who gets physical signs of stress. Which is highlighted mostly by extreme fatigue, extreme tension headaches and sometimes by a runny stomach. Sometimes I neglect my diet which leads to obvious weight gain and on other days I don’t eat at all which then leads to dizziness and extreme insomnia.

·         It helps me plan. Sometimes there’s so much to do and so little time and resources so I you can plan and make compromises – you can deal with it better!

Quiet time might sound like a waste of time but I truly advice you try it when your world is going for a spin (other than the spin the Earth already makes) LOL, Omw. Invest in YOU!

LOVE, 

Evolving my Blog

Hi everyone!

I hope everyone is well! These days I’ve been thinking about starting a new blogging schedule because I’ve just posted when I had time or needed to let it out (y’all know the ones) and I recently got some extra time in my daily routine and suddenly I am having the worst writer’s block!!

But I did give me time to check in with other people’s blogs and videos and also gave me time to think about where I want to take this blog. I generally love fashion posts because those are my favourites to look/watch but unfortunately the do the worst in terms of views and buzz and that really breaks my heart. So if I could rate myself I would definitely say that I probably lack great photography skills and the right editing softwares (whichI am working on).

So when life got rough I usually felt comfortable settling into lifestyle blogging which made me really insecure because it really reveals my insecurities and I want people to feel inspired, renewed and motivated when they come to my blog. It did, however, help me grow as a person, as a girl and as an adulting woman. It definitely helped my blog grow too because people had a really good reaction to them and making people feel better about their situations is a legit real passion that I hope to turn into a career one day.

Then this year I got into beauty blogging and to be honest I really hope I doesn’t become a major part of my blog because I don’t have a real talent for it (same with DIYs) but people do amazing things with make-up and I just would not know where to start. In building a brand you have to look put together and seeing that I don’t have people who can do it for me I have to learn to do it by myself and that has also contributed to my growth as a blogger and a woman.

Overall I think that going forward you’ll be seeing a lot of evolving on my blog as I discover what I can do and what I like doing. The goal this year is definitely to grow my blog without any pressure or comparisons. The blogging world has grown so much and having a full time job plus overtime and studying part-time makes it so much harder to remain consistent and up to date with everything.

Another one of my goals is to grow my Youtube channel as me. The real me. When I watch my old videos I have this stay professional tone and that’s not me. I think that filming about things that are more me will help me stay authentic and therefore make me stay consistent because I’ll be seeing more of my personality. If you’re wondering why that hasn’t happened, I really have no answer to it. Maybe I’m a really good actress/perfectionist! But I will adjust that soon.

Another thing that makes blogging hard is how expensive it really is. The data and the softwares and all the new apps coming out makes it a bit hard. My job is basically like interning so you can imagine how much I earn and then there’s also adulting expenses that are affected by inflation and politics everyday. So it makes you get left behind in terms of getting professional help in terms of photography, editing and collaborations. For example – at this point I can not afford to use Final Cut Pro to edit because I’ll first need to get a Macbook. How much is a Macbook? Now turn that to Rand. Or using an Iphone to get the best photos in order to have the best Instagram feed. I don’t even check the prices for that!

Point is, right now blogging needs to stay just an outlet for me. Because there’s really a lot of pressure that we put on ourselves so the pressure from others is really not helping. So if you feel like you’re running out of breath and you’re spending so much on your blog without yielding the benefits – you’re not the only one. 

Take a deep breath and work a bit on your content while you live your life day by day. Remember to take breaks from social media and all the online trolls and get YOU back.

Be kind to yourself!