How to process your regrets and start over

Hi everyone!

Remaining too long with regret/being burdened by failure is like being Buridan’s ass which implies a paradox that a hungry donkey standing equidistant between two bales of hay will starve to death, paralyzed by the indecision about which nosh to choose.

Being frozen in place or feeling stuck in life is the worst thing for an intelligent and smart individual and it can either force a person to act immediately and jump into a new venture, which may work out great for them, if not, they would just move on to the next venture – it is crucial for these individuals to keep going. But then you get the ones who completely fall apart and based on the number of times it has happened to me, those kinds of people are my people.

Initially I would talk to my loved ones about it but they were both bad listeners and did not solve my problems so I needed a professional.  That was a very slow work in progress but after a few sessions I realised that we are webbed in such a complicated way from childhood and in order to understand how everything connects, one needs to unravel a lot of things that one thought were part of what one once deemed to be the permanent structure, but it was just something placed there temporarily that can no longer hold you.

So how do we start over:

1. Accept

Accept that you might have made a bad decision. Call it what it is – a stupid decision. Shame/Regret grows in secret. It becomes way bigger than what it is. It can grow to become a full blown irrational fear. That can grow to cause panic attacks and render you paralysed. So take it, look it, talk to it, accept that it happened, thank it for being part of your story (if more traumatic – turn the tragedy into a testimony or use it to serve others that are more traumatized by it), and then release the grip it has over you by setting it free or carrying along but this time, you are making it your strength.

2. Reject

In order to be what you aspire to be, you have to ‘kill’ who you are now. For example –if you want to be a business woman, you need to look into ways to become healthier, more organised and more resourceful. If you were a procrastinator before now you need to be persistent, ambitious and again – more organised. So you need to rejects parts of you that have even become habits in order to become a version of what you aspire to be. You need to decide to stop doing certain things. It will be hard sometimes but that is where you refer back to deciding what you need to become.

3. Action

This part is crucial. You will NOT see any changes without this last step. Once you have worked on the inside, it is time to take action on the outside. You can start by having an online planner or a diary/journal. You can set up meetings with potential clients. You prepare both positive and negative responses. You can also sign up for that those skills you wanted to obtain or experience you wanted to gain by doing a certain job. Action can also take place internally like building better boundaries, choosing who your close friends are or teaching yourself how to speak in front of a crowd.

It is not easy to start fresh but each day really does provide the opportunity to do so. I also think that living to meet the expectations of peers/family is irrational just like the fear one feels during a panic attack. Starting over might hurt if it makes your life uncomfortable for a few months/years but it is way better than foreseeing a whole 40-50 years of predictable unhappiness or not living the life you want because of people/reasons that are only applicable now.

This process can me emotional so I would recommend uninterrupted alone time in order to focus on it and really dig into why you are where you are mentally.

All the best!

Love,

Changing your reality

Hi everyone!

September is basically birthday month for ALL my friends. Seeing that we’re so far away from each other this year I decided to dig up some old videos and photos from varsity and share it on our Whatsapp group. LOL! They freaked out so much. And we just laughed because we really did have good times.

It also made me realize how much time has gone by. Next week is our 8^th annual family reunion and this is my 3^rd year in the working world. I feel like going into an emotional fit because exactly 3 years ago I told my family that Auditing & Accounting is not a good career for me. I remember them being really tense about it. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make because I had just finished up my 5^th year at university that time but I remember being so relieved that I came to that conclusion.

You guys know the story but fast forward to 3 years later, I’ve never felt this depressed in my life. My blog became a place where I shared all the frustrations and a quick fix guide to ‘getting it together’. To be quite honest that really helped me because I would be completely depressed if I didn’t have an outlet for all the negativity. I also feel like I’ve had the most breakdowns than I’ve ever had in my life. Surviving them, only to be brought back into the same situation is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

A few days ago my friend called me in the morning and asked me what I was up to and if I’m alright. At this point in my life – I truly hate that question. The answer is no and please don’t ask me why because the answer is the same. It also brought up the topic of good days and bad days. I’m never okay but I have a job and bills therefore I can’t lie in bed and not get out. When I tried doing that legally, I got a written warning because we’re short staffed and we have a lot of work. So then I don’t have a choice. It’s either I quit or continue to do a job I despise.

Right now all the stress eating and a lack of self-care is showing. I feel so heavy and tired all the time. I never wear make-up to work because I always need to ‘make it’ through the day rather than have a normal work day. I spend my weekend indoors because I’m avoiding to much contact because people who want to catch up have actual stories while I’m still unhappy about my life. These days I’m unhappy with myself.  I’m ruining me. I no longer invest in myself.

Days can go by without me actually knowing what’s happening. I always have deadline upon deadline and the job is getting harder and harder. Worst part is that I need to be fully awake. There are so many changes in my career and I always need to know how it affects my client. And I really couldn’t care less. This makes my contribution worthless. It also makes me the weakest link because the public relies on the work I do and the fact that I never thought about it in that till now absolutely scares and depresses me even more.

Here’s the point (because I can’t stop talking about this): No matter how positive you try to be, you can’t cover unhappiness. You can push a boulder up the mountain but it will only get there if the motive is beneficial for you/result will work in your favour. If not, then the boulder will, if not immediately, eventually crush you. And that’s my life. Mornings are the hardest. I have a second when I have to ponder if my job is worth it. I have to think about all the wrong decisions taken that lead me to this point. And I wouldn’t wish that even on the worst person on this earth.

It’s why it’s important to always revisit the questions: What is my purpose on this Earth? What am I doing? And who am I doing it for? Walking away might not be in the cards but it’s always so important to use all your available time to keep telling yourself that you have purpose and that you are deserving of a way out and that you will not always be drowning in your own sorrow.

Change your free time. Make sure that you don’t spend it crying about what you hate doing!! See if that works!!

xx

Hello June

Hi everyone!

It’s been a minute! As we speak I’m sitting in front of a heater trying to keep warm. Nelspruit has NEVER been this cold. Last year I got a fan heater and barely used it. This year has been pretty interesting. I haven’t even gotten used to say that I’m 25 because I barely got time to celebrate it but things are definitely looking up, finally!

I always feel like I have to careful about what I share online now but like I’ve said before – my channel and blog is all about being open because I tend to be closed off and I started my blog because I didn’t want to be that way anymore. You guys know that every year is hard for me and I’ve always sort of had a meltdown about it. This year, however, it has gone quite a bit weird.

I bought a car last year and having it was quite hard. I was super scared of driving so if I could walk rather than drive, I would walk. And I never went to work with it because it would force me to drive my colleagues around and the reimbursements for that were never guaranteed. And before long I was forced to sell it in order to get my financials back on track.

So in December I had to kick out my brother because he was never reliable and he always put his friends before his family. And when the time came for them to do the same they kicked out like day old turkey which was a good opportunity for a lesson learned for him. So then no matter how much I advertised I did not get someone to fill his room by January so the whole month’s rent was on me which was really devastating.

Then I tried to survive from that and got someone in February but finances still kicked my butt because my family lived with me for 5 months and in that time I maxed out my credit card. A definite bad call and also filed under Lesson Learned. So then I finally sold my car but had a 20k shortfall on it which was the best deal I could get at the time. That hard time also taught me a lot about cars. Now by this time I’d been trying to sell it since February. It finally happened in April and I had to survive the rest of the month with the installment of the car already subtracted from my account.

Then at the end of that month I had to go to my cousin’s wedding that I only found out about in March that I couldn’t miss. Fortunately my mom was able to secure some cash on credit so that she can save me on the car and that also allowed me to go to the wedding. Then I was able to pay her since then sort of half of what my car’s shortfall was worth seeing that my contract ends in January (So I can only afford to make payments till January). So that’s what I’ve been doing since end of April.

During this time I’ve had additional issues. I haven’t been going to church, both my phones stopped working and I’ve become a total pessimist. My channel has been on a standstill and I was just not able to talk about it because I was trying not to be a mess in order to function properly at work and to appear normal which is of great personal growth to me. I normally crack at the first sign of a problem. And only fix it months later. I also had assignments and exams during this time and had great marks but I haven’t had money to pay tuition in order to see if I’ve passed or not but that will also get solved in the time when it does.

My biggest lesson in all of this is definitely to calm the f down. I’m always like a champagne bottle when it’s opened. I always run over. But now I’ve had to be okay with things I can’t change. For example – I’ve always wanted to learn how to highlight and contour. But without the proper funds and ‘good debt’ I’ve had to put it on hold for a year now. I’ve learned how to do my own hair and be okay with not shopping for clothes. My bedroom has looked the same for the past 2 years and I’ve had to be okay with that too. If you know how much I like décor you’d know how much of a slow burn that is for me. So basically I’ve just had to be okay with basics. I haven’t done that since the first few months of varsity in 2010!!

IT’S OKAY.

That’s become my 2 most spoken words. They save my life every day.

They can do the same for you!

One day at a time,

Love

How to ease up your guilty conscious

Hi everyone!

I have a little bit of a writer’s block because I have an insane amount of stress (& heartburn) at the moment which is really good for lifestyle posts because then I have an urgent need to talk about it. I have no idea how I’m going to spend my time this weekend because I also have to go home (3 hours away) because I’ve been summoned to take measurements for my cousin’s upcoming wedding at the end of April. Solution would be to send the measurements right? Try telling my mom that.

So with all the political madness going on it has become even more important to build your own world because you can’t let the national negativity get you down. Neither should you allow  the international depression (Trump is still there. What is happening in Syria?)to trump your spirits. It’s very hard for us (let’s say educated black people) to move back home to minimize fixed costs and to try different jobs seeing that there’s already such a huge unemployment rate in our city and overall country. So sometimes you are stuck in your job.

This year I was supposed to add an academic element in my last year of articles but in order to set myself free I did not register for it and I did not notify my boss. You can imagine what a huge violation that is. I did not resign because I can’t move back home and start over. Thank you, Black Tax. And it was difficult to even get a job I’m over-qualified for. I still don’t know how that’s possible. So I effectively decided to just finish the year and add my completed articles to my CV. Sometimes I want to put it there as ‘3 years of intense slavery’.

So for the first month or so I was riddled with guilt because I have long asked him to be transparent because he’s always late and tells you about a meeting with a client 10 minutes before and expects you to know everything about it by the time you reach their offices. Even after that has been addressed with him, it seemed like he sees lateness and non-transparency as a lux lifestyle so I’ve decided to accept it that about him. Guess where I got my training from? I guess Daddy trained me well.

So how can you stop feeling guilt over something you did but did it for the right reason?

1.       Ask yourself if you could have done it any other way

2.       Ask yourself if this option lets you sleep better at night

3.       Ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences

4.       Ask yourself if this decision, other than the guilt, makes you happy

5.       Ask yourself if it will bring out new change

Last year I was severely depressed. I used to take sick days multiple times of the year because I did not have the strength to get up to go to work. It’s when I first discovered that your job can actually make you sick. So how did I apply the above?

I could have told my boss but he would have convinced me to register, backed up by legislation requirements (aka legislation threats). He would have also made work hostile because I wanted to ‘retaliate’. So there was no other way. Since making a new path I’ve become more excited about my evenings and weekends because I get to learn something new. I could get fired or my salary could get affected (consequences). Other than the temporary guilt I have been feeling much happier this year. It was hard at first but I’m definitely becoming more care free and happy. I’ve totally embraced the new change! It’s still a bit hard but it’s happy hard. Time management is still a bit of a problem and I’ve had to get used to writing again (for my assignments) so it’s a work in progress.

So you can see how the combination of addressing these questions was able to ease up a bit of the guilt. And it’s also a plus if the corresponding person makes it easy by being an uncontrollably inconsiderate person!

Put yourself first! Be brave!!

xx

The (T)EA in TALK #1: Attachment Fears

Hi everyone!

It is finally time to launch my new segment! The title is not rolling off my tongue yet but I know it will stick! LOL! I think that this will be a good psychological outlet for me. I feel like I’ve always been the rock my friends and family could rely on but since last year I’ve felt so alone and vulnerable and I absolutely HATE IT. Sometimes I think that I’ve always been like this but now it’s rearing its ugly head more and more.

As you can tell from the title, today I’m addressing one of my biggest fears. My commitment phobia. I’ve always been there – I always choose to jump before I’m pushed out. As I’ve previously mentioned in my alonetime these days I always read some interesting articles and I want to feature them in these segments. I follow Marie Claire on twitter and I really feel like such num num for not being on their subscription because they have some awesome articles for women.

The one I came across, that I’ve shared multiple times already, is the article about a woman that has the exact same fears as me – only she’s already married. I feel like I’ve read it over and over. And if someone wants to have an argument with me about when my commitment phobia will end, I remain mute and send them an e-mail with the link. I feel like there’s no-one who explains it better.

I don’t think that my parents’ divorce bother me. I’ve always thought that they were a mismatch. My mom receives love in affirmation (words of love) and gifts (small) and she always needs to be encouraged. She’s also very specific in what she wants. She can be very pushy and stubborn but mostly loving and evolving. My father on the other hand is very straight to the point. His point. Extremely inconsiderate, secretive and has elements of a realist. Also very quiet and ‘in his own world’ so to speak. So in other words – even though she was married, she was always feeling lonely.

And that is the reason why I’m hesitant to let anyone close. I’m yet to come across someone who is so caring that it is irritating. And I have a severe need for security but at the same time – independence. I also feel like most guys around their 30s (or born in the 80s) are extremely traditional. Which I mostly link with how extremely pro man they are and they have all these misconceptions about how women should act and what they should do.

I want to be looked at as an individual first. I want to have a sense of freedom but also feel secure & safe. I want a listener and a person who will make an awesome and present dad. A person who evolves and always wants to be better themselves. A humble & generous soul who has great social skills.

If you stand back and look at this – it screams one thing. I want the OPPOSITE OF MY FATHER. Does that mean I have Daddy Issues? I don’t think so. Ever since I accepted that my father can’t be the Dad I’ve always wanted – we’ve been getting along like a house on fire! The only consequence of our relationship is the fact that I use him as a benchmark when looking for a suitable partner because I want no trace of him in my next chapter.

Thought you had issues..

LOL,

How is your relationship with your dad? Does it affect how you look at your partner? Can you relate to the article like me?