How writing can help you speak up

Hi everyone!

As you know I grew up quite shy and very behind the scenes. Even though that might still be the case today I think it’s a lot better than what it used to be. I can now communicate without being too anxious and I can also be funny and not as socially awkward.

It’s been a long journey but I can definitely say that having a blog has helped me speak up. I believe that even though shy people say that they have nothing to say, it’s not really true. They just have nothing to say out loud. And I’ve been there. So I had something to say but it just wouldn’t go past my lips.

Here’s why I think writing can help you speak up:

·         Have a writing platform. You don’t need a blog. You need pen and paper/laptop. The hardest part is to get the ball rolling. Write about something close to your heart.

·         Emotions. Writing can be quite emotional. Especially if you’re a person that bottles things up or absorbs a lot of emotions, this could give you the freedom to finally express yourself.

·         Release. I believe the biggest part about setting something free is for it to longer be in your heart. Before blogging, I had a diary and shortly before that I used to write letters on a blank page and after pouring everything into it, I’d burn it. It’s really therapeutic.

·         Another one. If you feel like writing that first letter didn’t aid you in any way, that’s okay. Write another one. This time directed to a person. We all have something to say to each other. Now, put it in a letter. Especially when you can’t say it to the person’s face.

·         Now Speak. Start with smaller groups. You’ll have to fabricate the confidence though. Speaking is easy when the conversation is about things that you are interested in. You have opinions and views because it’s something you think about all the time. Now let it be heard.

·         Engage. Being part of groups really helps but there comes a time when it’s your turn to make other shy people come out of their shell. Bring people together with similar interests to yours. You don’t even have to do it face to face. These days there’s twitter chats and Facebook groups and things like that that has made it real easy for people with similar interests to connect!

What are you waiting for?

Get started!!

#WomensMonth Tribute

Hi everyone!!

As you know on 9 August it was Women’s Day and I almost wanted to cry thinking that I should have dedicated this post to all the women in my life!!

But I’ve realized that if you keep a positive attitude then there’s no space for crying over spilled milk. So, just like we like to make February Valentine’s Day MONTH I’ve decided to jump in the bandwagon of my fellow South Africans who are currently celebrating Womens Day MONTH!!

I hope in reading this (whether you’re South African or not) that you’ll also make one woman in your life feel special by dedicating an open letter to them.

How to Love your Body

Hey Everyone!!

For the longest time I’ve cared too much of what people think of me. Wayyy too much!! I can’t wear this here or I can’t say this amongst these people… And as of late I’ve just been like who gives two shits?

Don’t misunderstand me. I care about my image. I care that people not know me coke-addicted professional side chick only because those are the things I’m not. But things that I am? Those are the things I refuse to let someone make me feel inferior about. And we all have to protect that about ourselves.

Let’s start with my body image.

I don’t have the traditional ‘African’ booty. And for the longest time I was too scared to wear bodycon dresses or skirts because I scared that people would say that I’m part of the ‘iron board society’. Surprisingly that’s all I’ve been wearing for work because I haven’t found any ‘workpants’ that I’m in love with. And you know what came out of it? I discovered that I have amazing legs!!

I wear make-up now. And where I work the women are okay being ‘naturally beautiful’ – which I have no problem with but they’re constantly trying to make you feel bad about wearing make-up. So since then I’ve been wearing bolder colours!! Because I DO NOT care about how they feel. I’m there to do a job. In style. I’m not there for them. And this comes in small condescending remarks covered by a super thin veil. Ignore it. They’re just trying to plant their insecurities on you. Listening to them will be like watering it.

Apply the same if someone is trying to body shame you. There’s no point in trying to bring down other women and make them feel small/insignificant! We’re fine doing it on our own – and that’s something we’re working on every day. So if someone wants to add onto that (not in a positive way) then walk away from that person or protect yourself against them.

Next is your walk.

Two people significantly changed how I walk in my life. One was my mom because she always wanted me to be a beauty queen so my shoulders had to be super straight. And the other one was at uni. I was super depressed at times and this one girl was like: “you always walk like you’re tired, its 8 am!” At the time I wanted to set her on fire but she’ll never know how much that has changed my life. Now I’m always telling people to walk up straight or in a way that portrays more confidence.

The face.

People always tell me that I look ‘unapproachable’ and each time my jaw just drops because I always think that my face looks friendly. Then I realised that it’s probably because I’m listening to all the people in my head which could result in frowning or the ‘bitchface syndrome’. So now I smile more and greet people first because in that way they’re free to approach me. Ever since I started doing that people found it not so scary to talk to me anymore and I want to keep it that way!

Have you found some similarities in the things I just mentioned?

Share with me!

How to Disconnect

Hi everyone!

Last year was a pretty awful year and so many things just went wrong. I was exhausted - mentally, physically and just so emotionally drained. If you really want to be happy be sure that you know what you want to become before you run off to college because it’s really in those last moments when you’ll have to decide if something is really worth it. Learnt that the hard way.

So I’m going to take you through the journey I went through when my world came crashing down. To be clear - this ended up being the best thing that has happened to me. When you’re a level 2 control freak like me, your world no longer makes sense when you’re not in control.
So this is what I went through to completely let go:

Go home.

Delete your Facebook account. Don’t just avoid it. Delete it and never go back till you’re ready. All you’re missing is just people having a good time and that will make you feel worse about what you’re going through.

Log out of Twitter. If you want to follow recent fashion trends or follow people who do positive things like pastors and motivational speakers – then open up another twitter account and only follow them. When you’re better you can always delete it and go back to the one you had.

Delete Whatsapp. If you have caring friends then they’ll obviously worry about you. You know you’re not okay so imagine them asking you if you’re okay everyday? It will drive you insane!! Cut off all communication.

Tell your friends in advance. If you’re going on a journey of total isolation, it
doesn’t mean that people will stop looking for you. So tell your friends that you need some time. It’s important to assure them that you will let them know when you’re available again. I took 3 months for me to be alone and having friends who understood that made it a do-able journey.

Tell your family to leave you alone. If you have a mom like mine, something like that is not easy and was an ongoing struggle for me. She just didn’t understand what I was going through. She wanted me to have ‘a plan’ and for the first time I wanted to let go of all my plans and she wouldn’t let me. It will always end up in an argument, then I’ll cry and she’ll let me have a day or 2 and then start pecking at me again. Up until one day my cousins spoke to her and she gave me some breathing room. If your family doesn’t listen to you get someone who they will listen to, to speak to them.

Make a decision about atleast one thing. When at cross roads you definitely know that one of those roads are definitely not worth travelling. You’re not sure about it but you definitely know it won’t bring you happiness. Sometimes your family will force you to go on it because they think it’s what is best for you and because the one you want has no promises. It is here where you need to take a stand a make a decision that you know will benefit you in the long run.
Prayer. Obviously we are all different. But through my journey all I could do was pray. Pray that I didn’t make the wrong decision and also that something will happen that will show me where to go. Since then I’ve been so blessed and showered with favour. And that’s another thing about things just happening…it’s hard. It comes with other factors that will test how much you want this new thing that’s just been handed to you. Perseverance is key.
I feel like I can talk all day about this topic because it has really shaped my life to where it is now. I feel different and I can say that I’m happy about letting go. It’s truly liberating!
Talk soon
Jabi

How to BUILD Confidence from the ground up!

Hi everyone!!

When I look up the word confidence I just found long sentences trying to explain it but loved what was said about ‘self-confidence’ just a bit more.

“when one does not dwell on negative consequences one can be more ‘self-confident’ because one is worrying far less about failure/disapproval of others following potential failure. One is then more likely to focus on the actual situation which means that the enjoyment and success in that situation is also more probable.”

I mean... doesn’t that just speak to you? Confidence is really something you build inside. Later on people will be able to see it on the outside. And it does not happen overnight – practice makes perfect!!

So throughout my life I was known as that critically shy girl. It was just written all over me. You could see it in the way I walk, talk, dress and I guess in the way I carried myself.

Until I got to university and developed a love for fashion and all things pretty. And part of the reason was probably because I could now buy it myself. Before, my mother tried to make me a tomboy and she bought my clothes that made me feel so ugly and buried.

Getting new clothes also meant looking more confident because I can’t have hunched shoulders in a beautiful bodycon dress. Unless you really want to destroy it. Had to walk up straight and pretend to be a pro in heels (not pretending meant letting everyone see that you do the funky chicken).

So here are some quick tips to help you look confident:

STAND UP STRAIGHT! Obviously this is like step one of life. People just respond better to what you say if you look like you care about yourself and you know what you’re talking about.
KNOW YOUR BODY! Don’t wear things that don’t fit you. People judge you based on that sometimes even if they don’t say it. Their minds make that decision for them.

BE APPROACHABLE. This is still an ongoing struggle for me. Doesn’t matter how friendly I try to be, people still feel afraid to get to know me. But once they do, they don’t understand where I’ve been all their lives!!(lol)

IT’S OKAY TO BE DIFFERENT. You don’t have to like stuff that other people like. Part of being confident (like above) is to enjoy what you like. Be who you like to be and not what a box that people might place you in.

DON’T CARE about things that don’t add value to your life. This took me a long, long time to master. I used to lie awake at night thinking about something someone said and 3 days later it would still bother me while that person lives on. That is precious time that I will never get back.

MAKE-UP! It is such an effective tool in trying to look strong, confident and sane. One day I was probably having the worst day and a friend of mine was like ‘Wow, you sure look good for someone who’s going through something like that’ and I was like YAASSSSS!

A POSITIVE ATTITUDE! It’s so infectious. And a powerful tool of not accepting defeat.

DO YOU FEEL HALFWAY THERE ALREADY?

Obviously you don't have to do all these things at once! Take it one day at a time! Sooner or later people will start to notice it!

Lots of Love

Jbi!

How to end a BAD friendship

Hi everyone!!

From the title I guess it sounds pretty harsh right?

It’s actually more real than anything else. I recently read an article in Seventeen Magazine about a girl who was raped by her boyfriend. If that wasn’t enough to creep me out I just can’t forget her saying that when she brought up it up with her friends they just didn’t LISTEN to her. This obviously worst case of bad friends so I’m just blessed I guess – to have all my friends in my life who would have really listened to me.

So today’s kind of bad friend is really someone who you really burdens you.

These things have happened/ currently happening:

·        You show up for their accomplishments and they never celebrate yours with you.

·         You are always calling them and they don’t bother to check in with you with any of the IM platforms   available

·        You always ask about things happening in their life and they never go..’and you?’

·        When they need alone time they don’t notify you and then blame you for not checking on them

·         They always judge/criticize you when all you really needed was someone to talk to

·         They make you feel negative about life whether it’s them always complaining about life/you feeling depressed

These are basically all the things that indicate ‘bad friend’ to me. I know that some people have it worse but maybe it’s because I don’t have time to invest quality time into a friendship that won’t have a positive influence on me. I always strive to be the best friend that I can be so in return all I basically need is for someone to do that for me.

If you have a bad friend like that sooner or later they won’t show up to something that is at the top of your list of important things that you would have sacrificed your own personal plans to be there for them.

It’s really the little things for me that speaks volumes.

Obviously we can’t be where we want be at the same time but a friend always knows how to celebrate you from miles away and how you feel about certain things and what it means for your friendship to spend quality time together.

Friendships that are a burden for you will poison you whether it’s happening now or not. You can have a million facebook friends but at the end of the day only your best friends will worry about you/check up on you and call you on your birthday. Those are the ones worth keeping. And those are the friends we all appreciate.

Have you ever walked away from a friend? What was your dealbreaker?

With love

Jabi

Introvert girls’ guide to appreciating a good guy

Hi everyone!!

Today’s post is basically my opinion on how to choose the one who chooses your heart.

I think some of my best friends are so close to my heart because we share the same values. So through the years we’ve just had our own life experiences and now we are here. Where we definitely know what we don’t want. And it’s truly amazing to get here in one piece.

So this is an open letter to my friend…and to all girls who can identify with it.

I know almost nothing about love. So this is a bit out of my element. Never really been
in love either so I don’t know what it’s like to jump off a roof like that hoping that he will catch you. I guess I’ve just never put so much trust in anyone. Never mind a guy. I just don’t have the courage to do that yet. So this is just some background.

But through all the years in high school and 5 years of university I’ve learnt some valuable lessons through the eyes of my friends’ life experiences.

Today I think I’ll look through the eyes of my one best friend.

Love comes in all shapes and personalities. People just express themselves differently. My mom always says that as girls there are certain things that we just can’t live without. Or go the whole day without hearing. And we’re all different in this regard. We want to hear that we are loved and we want people to tell us things that they’ve noticed that make us unique. Like how they see that you’re stressed/upset/worried without us knowing that we were reacting that way. Or hear them say something you thought went in the one ear and the out the other. Or when they surprise you without a reason or randomly pick you up for coffee/ a random walk.

Having grown up conservatively and I guess under difficult financial pressure we’re just obsessed with finding someone who can take care of us. We can take care of ourselves, ofcourse, that’s why we worked extra hard in school to make something of ourselves. So I guess on the way we just want to stop carrying the world on our shoulders and just kick back our heels and briefcases and have a glass of wine brought to us now and again. Is that really too much to ask? Lol!

I just think that now we need be free. We know what we want so instead of looking for it we should be careful not to let it pass by in pursuit of something perfect. Love is not something we find, it’s really something we create. Just like the SELF. And I’ve truly learnt that the hard way. And it was through the journey of trying to find myself that I came to the realization that I need to re-create.

Same with love. Walk away if it doesn’t bring you what you need (which is like the hardest part) in order to sustain happiness. Life is still happening. And I’d just prefer going through it with my best friend who’s also looking for happiness.  And has lots of it to give.

Share your experiences with me!!

Comment with your links below – I would love to read your story!

Xx

Jabi