{2018 Edit} Why South Africa is suddenly depressed?

Hi everyone!

I hope you’ve all been well.

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in these discussion about the rise of depression cases in South Africa. Now, more so because of the death of HHP. He’s one of the most loved hip-hop artists in South Africa and some current rappers say that he’s been their biggest inspiration – kind of like the godfather of hip-hip and rap in South Africa. In my house, he’s won over my mother’s heart because she always used to go on about how there’s a lot of Setswana humor in his music.

Right after his death, there was a lot of speculation about the cause of his death and now it’s been alleged that he suffered from depression and may have taken his own life. Whether it’s true or not, I think it definitely sparked a mental health talk and I’m actually a little disappointed about certain views we have a country.

Some people completely understand. I think it’s because it’s suddenly okay to talk about it because you or other family members have been secretly battling this issue. And now, it’s like a #MeToo moment. I can personally relate – not just for myself but also my mother. Early this year my mom was hospitalized for what seemed to be a throat issue and ended up to be full blown anxiety/panic attacks. So everytime she would be extremely angry (which happened more times that we realised) she would feel like her heart is literally about to explode. We’d see it on the outside like a rapid heartbeat motion on her neck and she would literally collapse into a sitting position and try to breathe slowly until it passed.

After the diagnosis we got her some natural stress relief medication and recommended some breathing exercises and it has only happened a few times since then. We’ve also been working on addressing her anger. She gets quickly disappointed in people because she has severe control issues that she accepted as normal only because I still do what she says but she needed to know that the world doesn’t owe her anything and that she needed to live for herself. She also needed to learn not to think for other people if she’s not willing to accept that not everyone thinks like her. She’s also had to learn to not always carry the past with her (hardest thing ever, FYI).

So from all of this drama, I’ve also gone through major changes myself. Not only did I change jobs, but I also changed my profession. And it’s been really hard starting from the bottom. I think when I switched over, I was really important to stay focused. I couldn’t always wish to go back to my safety zone that almost killed me. I had to keep going. So I completely drenched myself in my new work and a few weeks ago, I started having severe anxiety. Not so much from regret, but I think reality started kicking in. The high of the switch was wearing off. And I was feeling overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.

It started with mild crying outburst, then wine would help sometimes, then I completely went off into the dark but always just staying conscious to go to work and when I would get home I wold go straight to bed. It kind of feels like this is the time my mother wanted to talk the most. My friends felt neglected, which is funny because I could not talk to any of them about this because (a) we’d go right back to their problems and (b) they don’t believe in having anxiety and being depressed because they believe it be a lack of faith.

So I kept it inside. I have to, because I can’t convince others of a thing they don’t believe in. All I can do is seek treatment and find a healthy outlet.

It’s very hard to find one that works, believe me!! Recently when I felt overwhelmed, I just sat on my carpet and did an inhale and exhale exercise. It was painful. I couldn’t breathe past my throat the whole day that day and all I wanted to do, was to feel the air travel to my lungs and out again. Simple right? But it felt like a mammoth task and when I eventually could, I just wept.

Is anxiety and depression real? YES. Should it bother you that nobody believes you? HECK NAAAA. On that one or two rare days when you feel normal, you should seek help or at least talk about all the darkness you’re feeling. Sometimes it can even be something you though you’ve let go of but the feelings surrounding that particular thing haven’t been addressed.

Sometimes it’s something that makes you feel bad. Like social media platforms that make you look at yourself as less than. Or something at work that keeps happening and you’re not telling anyone. Family members that are not on your side about a decision or even a person that you are trying to change (first of all, you can’t change anyone) – you need to let go, accept or change your view about it. We are transformed by the power of our minds, after all.

Be nice to one another!

Thank you for reading!

Am I the problem?

Hi everyone!

I’ve never really been optimistic. As matter of fact, I always want to die when I talk to someone about an actual problem (already negative and most of the time colossal) and they spin me with the ‘it’s going to be alright’ sticker on my forehead. That tells me that they really want me to throw them in the fountain and walk away.

I know it sounds contradictory to most of my posts because I spend half of them telling you (and me) that everything happens for a reason and how to fix your current situation that I know too well. Today, after a failed conversation with my mom, I started writing this post mainly to identify a problem, rather than to fix it.

I had difficulty sleeping last night and I had those life questions scary nights. Where do I see myself in a year? Do I really want to get married? Am I built for relationships? Can I really raise 6 kids? Why am I not a millionaire? Am I still afraid of driving? Am I overloaded with other people’s problems? Why does my blog/channel not do that well? Why don’t I like to teach myself how to make myself pretty? Why don’t I like gyms? Why does my body hurt so much? When am I going to die? Will my kids do what I tell them? Do I want to raise them as a single mom? When am I getting a dog/cat? When am I renewing my license? Who takes care of me when I run out of fuel from taking care of others? When will I be truly happy? How will I know if I’m truly happy?

Drama right? I have these questions swirling in my mind, giving me heartburn! It’s not like I have all the answers but I truly feel so drained and absolutely exhausted! I think my brain has had the biggest crisis for the longest time. The moment I unplug for 4 days my mind literally lost it.

In a way I’m thankful this is happening because like I mentioned in my previous post, this is major decisions year and it was naïve of me to think that I will make one major decision and expect everything to fall into place. There are so many frustrating things. I think sometimes you can get lost in all that is happening around you and that causes RIDICULOUS PRESSURE. It’s so crucial in this time to know exactly who you are and what exactly makes you happy. You have to learn to switch off your mind to things you can’t change. And always speak (repetitively) good things into your life that will help you through those stubborn wrinkles that life gives you.

You can get so distracted by what other people are doing and certain choices they make. You can get so consumed with comparison. You can even spend nights awake thinking that you are just made ‘wrong’ and that you are the only person of your kind left on earth. You can even feel so misunderstood. By others and by yourself. However, always do something that you are conscious of. Always own your space. At the end of the day, only you can explain yourself to YOU.

Don’t let the river carry your body downstream.

Be present.

God KNOWS.

Making critical decisions

Hi Everyone!

It’s been exactly 3 months since my last post and almost 3 years since I felt really excited about my life and what’s to come. Today I think I feel more than ready to get back into blogging and the rest of my online life. So many things have changed! People have left and there are new people. Most of the women I follow are now moms and I would say some have had some procedures done – from boob jobs to fixing their teeth! What a time to be alive!

Recently I realized that I’ve creatively starved myself for so long and it’s so hard to get back into the groove. I think I’ve had tunnel vision for the longest time so it’s so hard to figure out where to start. I’m going to let you guys in on some changes. I’ve moved back home and got a new job. I’ve also sold my car (It’s been a year now) which still makes me an amateur driver and my mom won’t let me drive her car. My brother also moved back home which is driving me insane because we can only get along properly long distance. And my adopted sister is still in school which means that I share my room with her which is unacceptable at my age because I’m really missing out on night shift calls! LOL!

So how did we get here? All I can say is that we’ve had to make some critical choices and that’s what the rest of my life is going to be about. That is being deliberate. I’ve spent way too much time letting the river drag my corpse down to an unknown place. I want to be deliberate and even more specific about why I’m here. I’ve always wanted to travel but it always ended up no further than my wishlist and I’ve always wanted to be socially involved and I guess I get to do that with what I do know. I’ve also always wanted to be financially independent and I’ve made some hard choices that will hopefully help me get there.

Here’s the thing about critical decisions – they are never easy. Especially if you are a low risk person like me. You always want to make the right choice and never want it to have any consequences. I think this time around I really believe that ‘you do your best and God does the rest’ because of the way certain things happened - it just can’t be a coincidence! It’s all about that ‘off a cliff’ moment, when you know that God will catch you. You also have to allow change into your life. It might not be upward(or what others would consider upward); it could be a curve or a turn to the left that will eventually go up.

I’ve always considered the 20’s to be learning years. It can be intimidating when your peers or friends already know what they want but I really believe in that small voice. You always heard it when you chose the ‘wrong’ thing, it will eventually steer you toward the right thing because it has that peace factor that you can’t replace or find anywhere else no matter how far you look.

Life is a precious gift. This has been said a thousand times!

This time, treat it like one.

Down but Not Out

Hi everyone!

I’ve been in such a spiral since January started. 2017 truly feels like an uphill battle where all the victories are short-lived. It really feels like no matter what I do, the paw-paw keeps hitting the fan and at this point it’s kind of pointless to clean up the mess. Currently I’m on leave for about 8 days that I desperately needed and I’ve spent about 5 of those days just going through the motions and properly addressing my feelings.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I actually went awol because our firm is just so unfair in terms of how they treat us and there’s basically nothing you can do about it. So when I feel overwhelmed I just disappear and go offline until I feel better.

I’ve been looking at how I’ve just completely gone off the radar on my blog and channel. Youtube, especially because I’ve been trying to get a better lens since last year and I haven’t been in a good space to buy it. I’ve also been having extremes – emotionally. Which affected my writing and filming because I just felt bad about myself and my life in general. On some days when the sun would shine again, I would just soak that in by taking a walk or going out with a friend I’ve neglected.

If you know me, you’d know that I don’t believe in mood swings. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to have any. When I started puberty my mom basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be sour just because I was going through a natural thing. My mom is pretty controlling so if you know her, this would sound perfectly normal, LOL! So during this time of intense stress it was just better for me to retreat rather than be unhappy in public.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog mainstream and ‘commerciable’. I like talking about different things and I did not want to make it one thing so I made my channel more lifestyle with my name on it but I realized during this time that I like being under an alias or a brand that will represent me so changing all the banners is truly daunting but needs to be done in order to ‘continue from here’. I no longer want to go under ‘ClosetFreedom’ because it’s one of those things where looking back was good, but now you’re like ‘what were you thinking?’!

I want something that can represent my soul and my beliefs. Currently I truly feel kind of damaged and under intense strain so that is affecting this process. I also want to factor in my love for communication and helping people to be more understanding and open. It’s probably the only thing I loved doing this year. I got my results from the first semester yesterday and it went well with 2 out of the 3 subjects, which made me realize that I need to work harder and learn to prioritize better.

I’m excited going into the second half of the year even though it’s already August but I truly can not live my life without hope. I have to believe that I’m being battered in order to be able to handle something worse than this, hopefully very far in the future because I could seriously use a break this year!

Can’t wait to share my thoughts and views with you guys for the rest of 2017!

Stay blessed!

XX

How to ease up your guilty conscious

Hi everyone!

I have a little bit of a writer’s block because I have an insane amount of stress (& heartburn) at the moment which is really good for lifestyle posts because then I have an urgent need to talk about it. I have no idea how I’m going to spend my time this weekend because I also have to go home (3 hours away) because I’ve been summoned to take measurements for my cousin’s upcoming wedding at the end of April. Solution would be to send the measurements right? Try telling my mom that.

So with all the political madness going on it has become even more important to build your own world because you can’t let the national negativity get you down. Neither should you allow  the international depression (Trump is still there. What is happening in Syria?)to trump your spirits. It’s very hard for us (let’s say educated black people) to move back home to minimize fixed costs and to try different jobs seeing that there’s already such a huge unemployment rate in our city and overall country. So sometimes you are stuck in your job.

This year I was supposed to add an academic element in my last year of articles but in order to set myself free I did not register for it and I did not notify my boss. You can imagine what a huge violation that is. I did not resign because I can’t move back home and start over. Thank you, Black Tax. And it was difficult to even get a job I’m over-qualified for. I still don’t know how that’s possible. So I effectively decided to just finish the year and add my completed articles to my CV. Sometimes I want to put it there as ‘3 years of intense slavery’.

So for the first month or so I was riddled with guilt because I have long asked him to be transparent because he’s always late and tells you about a meeting with a client 10 minutes before and expects you to know everything about it by the time you reach their offices. Even after that has been addressed with him, it seemed like he sees lateness and non-transparency as a lux lifestyle so I’ve decided to accept it that about him. Guess where I got my training from? I guess Daddy trained me well.

So how can you stop feeling guilt over something you did but did it for the right reason?

1.       Ask yourself if you could have done it any other way

2.       Ask yourself if this option lets you sleep better at night

3.       Ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences

4.       Ask yourself if this decision, other than the guilt, makes you happy

5.       Ask yourself if it will bring out new change

Last year I was severely depressed. I used to take sick days multiple times of the year because I did not have the strength to get up to go to work. It’s when I first discovered that your job can actually make you sick. So how did I apply the above?

I could have told my boss but he would have convinced me to register, backed up by legislation requirements (aka legislation threats). He would have also made work hostile because I wanted to ‘retaliate’. So there was no other way. Since making a new path I’ve become more excited about my evenings and weekends because I get to learn something new. I could get fired or my salary could get affected (consequences). Other than the temporary guilt I have been feeling much happier this year. It was hard at first but I’m definitely becoming more care free and happy. I’ve totally embraced the new change! It’s still a bit hard but it’s happy hard. Time management is still a bit of a problem and I’ve had to get used to writing again (for my assignments) so it’s a work in progress.

So you can see how the combination of addressing these questions was able to ease up a bit of the guilt. And it’s also a plus if the corresponding person makes it easy by being an uncontrollably inconsiderate person!

Put yourself first! Be brave!!

xx

How emotional turmoil can be physically evident

Hi everyone!

Something weird is happening. Yesterday I was in the middle of a sale of one of my assets and I was just overcame with insane anxiety. I had to submit an assignment last night and it’s still not complete now. I was just stunned. So normally I would just cry a bit because it releases some emotional pressure bit instead I called like 5 people and cleaned my place. I haven’t been able to clean it for almost 2 weeks and this morning it was as if it’s occupied by …well, a clean person! LOL!

So what does this mean?

Well 2 things have come to pass. My tearsgates are sealed TIGHT. Not one tear was available for me which made it extra frustrating! It’s like having a solution that temporarily works but now you can’t use it. Then I watched some Youtube videos and that was shortlived because I don’t know how the settings are right now but it’s so hard to discover new people so I got bored and shut it down. Then it was time to scrub the evidence so I bagged the garbage to get it ready for pick up the next morning, cleaned the kitchen and packed my bedroom into place. Clean environment = Clean Mind? Not exactly but it was a start because I felt a little lighter. It was already 2am so I did not force myself to finish up my assignment because being tired at work has had awful consequences for me in the past!

I think I’m familiar with what’s happening because my mom suffers from the exact same thing. Every time she’s faced with an emotional issue and tries to internalize it, it always comes out on her body. 

One time she had an operation done to cut out an unexpected, and yet to be explained, growth in her shoulder when my brother became an overnight rebel and alcoholic. She also keep being sick when she got a new principal that tried to destroy an orphanage that she spent 10 years building. That time she had to wear an eye patch after her eye got damaged when she kept getting a series of serious tension headaches. And the list goes on.

People think that having anxiety is an easy thing to ‘adopt’ just because a lot of people suffer from it now. However, some people have it but are not aware and then it makes itself apparent in different ways. One thing I can draw from my own experience is to find a step by step guide on how to go through the motions so that it can leave your body quicker or so that you can rebuild faster. Sometimes a whole week can pass you by without you knowing what happened and soon enough you won’t even remember what triggered it because you’ll be neck deep in a depression pit.

In the space of reaching my home at 5pm I went through insane worry. Will I be able to sell my asset? Do I want to sell it? Will I ever get out of financial trouble? Made some coffee thinking it will keep me calm. Met up with buyers. Buyers left with a lower offer than one I had in mind. Should I take a walk? It’s too dark now. Call friend. He tried to make me feel better but I can’t tell him about the sale because I did not tell him about acquisition. Call friend I haven’t spoken to properly since she gave birth. Network is awful. Friend calls me, love life trouble that I had I had to put brakes to because I don’t understand why my heartbeat is so fast. Am I upset about the sale. Mom calls, asks me when I’m coming home. Should I drive to the store? No. Should I take a nap? No, its only 9. Let’s watch Life in Pieces. Heartbeat the same but now feels coupled with heartburn. Open the windows and the fan. Prepare a soothing bath. Wash dishes and clean room first. Take a soothing bath. Try to sleep. Can’t sleep. Watch Life in Pieces again so that you can sleep.

 5am alarm goes off.

Work.

That is just one Tuesday night.

Concerning?

Definitely.

Do I still have the same worries this morning? Yes but it’s time to focus on work because I still need to function like an unaffected human being.

What will I do?

Finalize sale so that it doesn’t hibernate. The longer I struggle to end the chapter the more I’ll worry about being financially afloat. People think that you can ‘snap out’ of it by having a mindset change. I used to be one of those people. Until it’s you or someone you know. Yes, effective decisions definitely helps in order to get the ball rolling because the danger is not make a decision at all and to be crippled by the unknown.

Be brave! Find a way!!

Xx

Effective Problem Solving & Life Update

Hi everyone!

It’s been a few weeks now and I thought I should give you guys a life update. It’s only been 3 months into 2017 and I feel like I’ve gotten through more things than I have in 2016. I think last year I didn’t really deal with it in the right way so I’m trying several new methods this year that will hopefully be more sustainable.

All my spheres are basically under attack. Especially my family and that’s a real emotional soft spot for me because I’ve always been a worrier (changes in progress). I know that everyone has their own individual family issues which can be so much worse than mine so I’m not going to waste time going into details about it. My first priority this year was to move away from carrying full responsibility for their health, happiness and satisfaction. Now, this sounds very tough because, like most people, no-one wants to disappoint their family.

So as I’m doing this I’ve just realized that in order to succeed/pull this off I’ll need to shut down certain aspects of me that actually contribute to me as a person. Which includes generosity, caring for others and the desire to always assist in coming up with a plan (which is a skill I learned recently – prior to that I would just break down and cry if I hit a wall). I’ve always seen myself as having a huge guilty conscious – which up until recently I thought was good thing. I ‘used’ it to prevent me from lying and in order to keep my promises. LOL! I know, I know. In order to regain my power I had to learn to say No and to return ‘plscallme’ with another ‘plscallme’.

I had to learn to stop following up on things that don’t concern me. I’ve always been a gladiator for my friends and family. Always made sure that they were fine a week from now, a month from now and a year from now. And that has to stop. Mostly because it has become so expensive now that I have to call them. I also had to stop following up on things that do concern me. Especially things I can’t change. With my history with my father I sort of had to learn to accept people as they are and not how I want them to be. But for some reason my mind would not let me apply that to my own sibling and he has clearly taken advantage of my goodness and generosity for far too long without looking back to the damage it has caused me.

So in order to deal with it I had to build more walls in order to protect myself and in order to prioritize. I had to learn to put myself first. As I’m writing this, there’s so many people I want to catch up with and ‘follow up’ on them to see if they are coping but that goes against putting myself first because I haven’t stopped to ask myself: Am I okay? Am I satisfied? Where’s my life going? Am I still trying every day to be in line with my purpose? What is my purpose? Am I where God wants me to be? Am I growing at a reasonable pace? What is a reasonable pace? Am I making progress in my life?

Answers to these questions take time. And they also evolve. Some people go through an entire lifetime without asking themselves. Can you imagine what that’s like? To some it sounds easy right? Until you really have to evaluate the answers and the angle/perspective you’re answering them from. One thing I’m learning right now is to unload. I’m giving some things away that I’ve carried with me for years! Because by hoarding it, there’s no space for new things. I also feel like interacting with people less because they don’t realize that their view of me (or previous me) slows me down into developing into the person I want to be.

Life has no correct answers. In order to solve a problem you must first acknowledge it (even if it’s you) and then evaluate several possible outcomes and choose the one that will work for you (not the socially acceptable one) and then implement it!

Be brave!

xx