Am I the problem?

Hi everyone!

I’ve never really been optimistic. As matter of fact, I always want to die when I talk to someone about an actual problem (already negative and most of the time colossal) and they spin me with the ‘it’s going to be alright’ sticker on my forehead. That tells me that they really want me to throw them in the fountain and walk away.

I know it sounds contradictory to most of my posts because I spend half of them telling you (and me) that everything happens for a reason and how to fix your current situation that I know too well. Today, after a failed conversation with my mom, I started writing this post mainly to identify a problem, rather than to fix it.

I had difficulty sleeping last night and I had those life questions scary nights. Where do I see myself in a year? Do I really want to get married? Am I built for relationships? Can I really raise 6 kids? Why am I not a millionaire? Am I still afraid of driving? Am I overloaded with other people’s problems? Why does my blog/channel not do that well? Why don’t I like to teach myself how to make myself pretty? Why don’t I like gyms? Why does my body hurt so much? When am I going to die? Will my kids do what I tell them? Do I want to raise them as a single mom? When am I getting a dog/cat? When am I renewing my license? Who takes care of me when I run out of fuel from taking care of others? When will I be truly happy? How will I know if I’m truly happy?

Drama right? I have these questions swirling in my mind, giving me heartburn! It’s not like I have all the answers but I truly feel so drained and absolutely exhausted! I think my brain has had the biggest crisis for the longest time. The moment I unplug for 4 days my mind literally lost it.

In a way I’m thankful this is happening because like I mentioned in my previous post, this is major decisions year and it was naïve of me to think that I will make one major decision and expect everything to fall into place. There are so many frustrating things. I think sometimes you can get lost in all that is happening around you and that causes RIDICULOUS PRESSURE. It’s so crucial in this time to know exactly who you are and what exactly makes you happy. You have to learn to switch off your mind to things you can’t change. And always speak (repetitively) good things into your life that will help you through those stubborn wrinkles that life gives you.

You can get so distracted by what other people are doing and certain choices they make. You can get so consumed with comparison. You can even spend nights awake thinking that you are just made ‘wrong’ and that you are the only person of your kind left on earth. You can even feel so misunderstood. By others and by yourself. However, always do something that you are conscious of. Always own your space. At the end of the day, only you can explain yourself to YOU.

Don’t let the river carry your body downstream.

Be present.

God KNOWS.

Making critical decisions

Hi Everyone!

It’s been exactly 3 months since my last post and almost 3 years since I felt really excited about my life and what’s to come. Today I think I feel more than ready to get back into blogging and the rest of my online life. So many things have changed! People have left and there are new people. Most of the women I follow are now moms and I would say some have had some procedures done – from boob jobs to fixing their teeth! What a time to be alive!

Recently I realized that I’ve creatively starved myself for so long and it’s so hard to get back into the groove. I think I’ve had tunnel vision for the longest time so it’s so hard to figure out where to start. I’m going to let you guys in on some changes. I’ve moved back home and got a new job. I’ve also sold my car (It’s been a year now) which still makes me an amateur driver and my mom won’t let me drive her car. My brother also moved back home which is driving me insane because we can only get along properly long distance. And my adopted sister is still in school which means that I share my room with her which is unacceptable at my age because I’m really missing out on night shift calls! LOL!

So how did we get here? All I can say is that we’ve had to make some critical choices and that’s what the rest of my life is going to be about. That is being deliberate. I’ve spent way too much time letting the river drag my corpse down to an unknown place. I want to be deliberate and even more specific about why I’m here. I’ve always wanted to travel but it always ended up no further than my wishlist and I’ve always wanted to be socially involved and I guess I get to do that with what I do know. I’ve also always wanted to be financially independent and I’ve made some hard choices that will hopefully help me get there.

Here’s the thing about critical decisions – they are never easy. Especially if you are a low risk person like me. You always want to make the right choice and never want it to have any consequences. I think this time around I really believe that ‘you do your best and God does the rest’ because of the way certain things happened - it just can’t be a coincidence! It’s all about that ‘off a cliff’ moment, when you know that God will catch you. You also have to allow change into your life. It might not be upward(or what others would consider upward); it could be a curve or a turn to the left that will eventually go up.

I’ve always considered the 20’s to be learning years. It can be intimidating when your peers or friends already know what they want but I really believe in that small voice. You always heard it when you chose the ‘wrong’ thing, it will eventually steer you toward the right thing because it has that peace factor that you can’t replace or find anywhere else no matter how far you look.

Life is a precious gift. This has been said a thousand times!

This time, treat it like one.

Hello June

Hi everyone!

It’s been a minute! As we speak I’m sitting in front of a heater trying to keep warm. Nelspruit has NEVER been this cold. Last year I got a fan heater and barely used it. This year has been pretty interesting. I haven’t even gotten used to say that I’m 25 because I barely got time to celebrate it but things are definitely looking up, finally!

I always feel like I have to careful about what I share online now but like I’ve said before – my channel and blog is all about being open because I tend to be closed off and I started my blog because I didn’t want to be that way anymore. You guys know that every year is hard for me and I’ve always sort of had a meltdown about it. This year, however, it has gone quite a bit weird.

I bought a car last year and having it was quite hard. I was super scared of driving so if I could walk rather than drive, I would walk. And I never went to work with it because it would force me to drive my colleagues around and the reimbursements for that were never guaranteed. And before long I was forced to sell it in order to get my financials back on track.

So in December I had to kick out my brother because he was never reliable and he always put his friends before his family. And when the time came for them to do the same they kicked out like day old turkey which was a good opportunity for a lesson learned for him. So then no matter how much I advertised I did not get someone to fill his room by January so the whole month’s rent was on me which was really devastating.

Then I tried to survive from that and got someone in February but finances still kicked my butt because my family lived with me for 5 months and in that time I maxed out my credit card. A definite bad call and also filed under Lesson Learned. So then I finally sold my car but had a 20k shortfall on it which was the best deal I could get at the time. That hard time also taught me a lot about cars. Now by this time I’d been trying to sell it since February. It finally happened in April and I had to survive the rest of the month with the installment of the car already subtracted from my account.

Then at the end of that month I had to go to my cousin’s wedding that I only found out about in March that I couldn’t miss. Fortunately my mom was able to secure some cash on credit so that she can save me on the car and that also allowed me to go to the wedding. Then I was able to pay her since then sort of half of what my car’s shortfall was worth seeing that my contract ends in January (So I can only afford to make payments till January). So that’s what I’ve been doing since end of April.

During this time I’ve had additional issues. I haven’t been going to church, both my phones stopped working and I’ve become a total pessimist. My channel has been on a standstill and I was just not able to talk about it because I was trying not to be a mess in order to function properly at work and to appear normal which is of great personal growth to me. I normally crack at the first sign of a problem. And only fix it months later. I also had assignments and exams during this time and had great marks but I haven’t had money to pay tuition in order to see if I’ve passed or not but that will also get solved in the time when it does.

My biggest lesson in all of this is definitely to calm the f down. I’m always like a champagne bottle when it’s opened. I always run over. But now I’ve had to be okay with things I can’t change. For example – I’ve always wanted to learn how to highlight and contour. But without the proper funds and ‘good debt’ I’ve had to put it on hold for a year now. I’ve learned how to do my own hair and be okay with not shopping for clothes. My bedroom has looked the same for the past 2 years and I’ve had to be okay with that too. If you know how much I like décor you’d know how much of a slow burn that is for me. So basically I’ve just had to be okay with basics. I haven’t done that since the first few months of varsity in 2010!!

IT’S OKAY.

That’s become my 2 most spoken words. They save my life every day.

They can do the same for you!

One day at a time,

Love