Sunday, 23 April 2017

Flirty Florals

Hi everyone!!

Today has been the best day. I finally got time to edit and publish these photos!! I took them a long time ago and I’ve been drowning in work and assignments ever since! I’ve currently been assigned another client and completed most of my assignments so I’m feeling so relieved.

So the story behind the dress. This dress belongs to my sister. She left it by mistake when she moved out and because my work schedule got so hectic I never got time to do my laundry and one day I had no choice but to wear it. OMW. It fit like a glove. I normally like darker florals but this dress really gave me an upbeat attitude on a Monday and I’ve been having the worst term of my life!!

I’ve always worn bodycon dresses or pants with shirts at work because I’ve always been scared that a really windy day would have dreadful consequences for my booty so I’ve never considered shopping for similar dresses. But the material used for this dress gives you that comfort that it would not easily be blown away so definitely more of these in the near future!!

And now for a little update. I definitely want to do a lot more styling posts. I really miss that. And I also want to get back to my channel! Time is so limited and I have so much that I still want to achieve this year. I’m also going through so many changes. And also rebuilding my mindset. I allowed myself to be this negative and depressed person and being stuck in that has really limited my creativity. I’ll also be exploring our town a bit more. I’ve been so stuck indoors for a little more than six months now and I’m really missing out so I’ll be documenting that. (Should I try vlogging it instead?)

Stay tuned!

See you next time!

Tuesday, 11 April 2017

How to ease up your guilty conscious

Hi everyone!

I have a little bit of a writer’s block because I have an insane amount of stress (& heartburn) at the moment which is really good for lifestyle posts because then I have an urgent need to talk about it. I have no idea how I’m going to spend my time this weekend because I also have to go home (3 hours away) because I’ve been summoned to take measurements for my cousin’s upcoming wedding at the end of April. Solution would be to send the measurements right? Try telling my mom that.

So with all the political madness going on it has become even more important to build your own world because you can’t let the national negativity get you down. Neither should you allow  the international depression (Trump is still there. What is happening in Syria?)to trump your spirits. It’s very hard for us (let’s say educated black people) to move back home to minimize fixed costs and to try different jobs seeing that there’s already such a huge unemployment rate in our city and overall country. So sometimes you are stuck in your job.

This year I was supposed to add an academic element in my last year of articles but in order to set myself free I did not register for it and I did not notify my boss. You can imagine what a huge violation that is. I did not resign because I can’t move back home and start over. Thank you, Black Tax. And it was difficult to even get a job I’m over-qualified for. I still don’t know how that’s possible. So I effectively decided to just finish the year and add my completed articles to my CV. Sometimes I want to put it there as ‘3 years of intense slavery’.

So for the first month or so I was riddled with guilt because I have long asked him to be transparent because he’s always late and tells you about a meeting with a client 10 minutes before and expects you to know everything about it by the time you reach their offices. Even after that has been addressed with him, it seemed like he sees lateness and non-transparency as a lux lifestyle so I’ve decided to accept it that about him. Guess where I got my training from? I guess Daddy trained me well.

So how can you stop feeling guilt over something you did but did it for the right reason?
1.       Ask yourself if you could have done it any other way
2.       Ask yourself if this option lets you sleep better at night
3.       Ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences
4.       Ask yourself if this decision, other than the guilt, makes you happy
5.       Ask yourself if it will bring out new change

Last year I was severely depressed. I used to take sick days multiple times of the year because I did not have the strength to get up to go to work. It’s when I first discovered that your job can actually make you sick. So how did I apply the above?

I could have told my boss but he would have convinced me to register, backed up by legislation requirements (aka legislation threats). He would have also made work hostile because I wanted to ‘retaliate’. So there was no other way. Since making a new path I’ve become more excited about my evenings and weekends because I get to learn something new. I could get fired or my salary could get affected (consequences). Other than the temporary guilt I have been feeling much happier this year. It was hard at first but I’m definitely becoming more care free and happy. I’ve totally embraced the new change! It’s still a bit hard but it’s happy hard. Time management is still a bit of a problem and I’ve had to get used to writing again (for my assignments) so it’s a work in progress.

So you can see how the combination of addressing these questions was able to ease up a bit of the guilt. And it’s also a plus if the corresponding person makes it easy by being an uncontrollably inconsiderate person!

Put yourself first! Be brave!!


Friday, 7 April 2017

How emotional turmoil can be physically evident

Hi everyone!

Something weird is happening. Yesterday I was in the middle of a sale of one of my assets and I was just overcame with insane anxiety. I had to submit an assignment last night and it’s still not complete now. I was just stunned. So normally I would just cry a bit because it releases some emotional pressure bit instead I called like 5 people and cleaned my place. I haven’t been able to clean it for almost 2 weeks and this morning it was as if it’s occupied by …well, a clean person! LOL!

So what does this mean?

Well 2 things have come to pass. My tearsgates are sealed TIGHT. Not one tear was available for me which made it extra frustrating! It’s like having a solution that temporarily works but now you can’t use it. Then I watched some Youtube videos and that was shortlived because I don’t know how the settings are right now but it’s so hard to discover new people so I got bored and shut it down. Then it was time to scrub the evidence so I bagged the garbage to get it ready for pick up the next morning, cleaned the kitchen and packed my bedroom into place. Clean environment = Clean Mind? Not exactly but it was a start because I felt a little lighter. It was already 2am so I did not force myself to finish up my assignment because being tired at work has had awful consequences for me in the past!

I think I’m familiar with what’s happening because my mom suffers from the exact same thing. Every time she’s faced with an emotional issue and tries to internalize it, it always comes out on her body. 
One time she had an operation done to cut out an unexpected, and yet to be explained, growth in her shoulder when my brother became an overnight rebel and alcoholic. She also keep being sick when she got a new principal that tried to destroy an orphanage that she spent 10 years building. That time she had to wear an eye patch after her eye got damaged when she kept getting a series of serious tension headaches. And the list goes on.

People think that having anxiety is an easy thing to ‘adopt’ just because a lot of people suffer from it now. However, some people have it but are not aware and then it makes itself apparent in different ways. One thing I can draw from my own experience is to find a step by step guide on how to go through the motions so that it can leave your body quicker or so that you can rebuild faster. Sometimes a whole week can pass you by without you knowing what happened and soon enough you won’t even remember what triggered it because you’ll be neck deep in a depression pit.

In the space of reaching my home at 5pm I went through insane worry. Will I be able to sell my asset? Do I want to sell it? Will I ever get out of financial trouble? Made some coffee thinking it will keep me calm. Met up with buyers. Buyers left with a lower offer than one I had in mind. Should I take a walk? It’s too dark now. Call friend. He tried to make me feel better but I can’t tell him about the sale because I did not tell him about acquisition. Call friend I haven’t spoken to properly since she gave birth. Network is awful. Friend calls me, love life trouble that I had I had to put brakes to because I don’t understand why my heartbeat is so fast. Am I upset about the sale. Mom calls, asks me when I’m coming home. Should I drive to the store? No. Should I take a nap? No, its only 9. Let’s watch Life in Pieces. Heartbeat the same but now feels coupled with heartburn. Open the windows and the fan. Prepare a soothing bath. Wash dishes and clean room first. Take a soothing bath. Try to sleep. Can’t sleep. Watch Life in Pieces again so that you can sleep.

 5am alarm goes off.


That is just one Tuesday night.



Do I still have the same worries this morning? Yes but it’s time to focus on work because I still need to function like an unaffected human being.

What will I do?

Finalize sale so that it doesn’t hibernate. The longer I struggle to end the chapter the more I’ll worry about being financially afloat. People think that you can ‘snap out’ of it by having a mindset change. I used to be one of those people. Until it’s you or someone you know. Yes, effective decisions definitely helps in order to get the ball rolling because the danger is not make a decision at all and to be crippled by the unknown.

Be brave! Find a way!!


Wednesday, 5 April 2017

Effective Problem Solving & Life Update

Hi everyone!

It’s been a few weeks now and I thought I should give you guys a life update. It’s only been 3 months into 2017 and I feel like I’ve gotten through more things than I have in 2016. I think last year I didn’t really deal with it in the right way so I’m trying several new methods this year that will hopefully be more sustainable.

All my spheres are basically under attack. Especially my family and that’s a real emotional soft spot for me because I’ve always been a worrier (changes in progress). I know that everyone has their own individual family issues which can be so much worse than mine so I’m not going to waste time going into details about it. My first priority this year was to move away from carrying full responsibility for their health, happiness and satisfaction. Now, this sounds very tough because, like most people, no-one wants to disappoint their family.

So as I’m doing this I’ve just realized that in order to succeed/pull this off I’ll need to shut down certain aspects of me that actually contribute to me as a person. Which includes generosity, caring for others and the desire to always assist in coming up with a plan (which is a skill I learned recently – prior to that I would just break down and cry if I hit a wall). I’ve always seen myself as having a huge guilty conscious – which up until recently I thought was good thing. I ‘used’ it to prevent me from lying and in order to keep my promises. LOL! I know, I know. In order to regain my power I had to learn to say No and to return ‘plscallme’ with another ‘plscallme’.

I had to learn to stop following up on things that don’t concern me. I’ve always been a gladiator for my friends and family. Always made sure that they were fine a week from now, a month from now and a year from now. And that has to stop. Mostly because it has become so expensive now that I have to call them. I also had to stop following up on things that do concern me. Especially things I can’t change. With my history with my father I sort of had to learn to accept people as they are and not how I want them to be. But for some reason my mind would not let me apply that to my own sibling and he has clearly taken advantage of my goodness and generosity for far too long without looking back to the damage it has caused me.

So in order to deal with it I had to build more walls in order to protect myself and in order to prioritize. I had to learn to put myself first. As I’m writing this, there’s so many people I want to catch up with and ‘follow up’ on them to see if they are coping but that goes against putting myself first because I haven’t stopped to ask myself: Am I okay? Am I satisfied? Where’s my life going? Am I still trying every day to be in line with my purpose? What is my purpose? Am I where God wants me to be? Am I growing at a reasonable pace? What is a reasonable pace? Am I making progress in my life?

Answers to these questions take time. And they also evolve. Some people go through an entire lifetime without asking themselves. Can you imagine what that’s like? To some it sounds easy right? Until you really have to evaluate the answers and the angle/perspective you’re answering them from. One thing I’m learning right now is to unload. I’m giving some things away that I’ve carried with me for years! Because by hoarding it, there’s no space for new things. I also feel like interacting with people less because they don’t realize that their view of me (or previous me) slows me down into developing into the person I want to be.

Life has no correct answers. In order to solve a problem you must first acknowledge it (even if it’s you) and then evaluate several possible outcomes and choose the one that will work for you (not the socially acceptable one) and then implement it!

Be brave!

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