How to process your regrets and start over

Hi everyone!

Remaining too long with regret/being burdened by failure is like being Buridan’s ass which implies a paradox that a hungry donkey standing equidistant between two bales of hay will starve to death, paralyzed by the indecision about which nosh to choose.

Being frozen in place or feeling stuck in life is the worst thing for an intelligent and smart individual and it can either force a person to act immediately and jump into a new venture, which may work out great for them, if not, they would just move on to the next venture – it is crucial for these individuals to keep going. But then you get the ones who completely fall apart and based on the number of times it has happened to me, those kinds of people are my people.

Initially I would talk to my loved ones about it but they were both bad listeners and did not solve my problems so I needed a professional.  That was a very slow work in progress but after a few sessions I realised that we are webbed in such a complicated way from childhood and in order to understand how everything connects, one needs to unravel a lot of things that one thought were part of what one once deemed to be the permanent structure, but it was just something placed there temporarily that can no longer hold you.

So how do we start over:

1. Accept

Accept that you might have made a bad decision. Call it what it is – a stupid decision. Shame/Regret grows in secret. It becomes way bigger than what it is. It can grow to become a full blown irrational fear. That can grow to cause panic attacks and render you paralysed. So take it, look it, talk to it, accept that it happened, thank it for being part of your story (if more traumatic – turn the tragedy into a testimony or use it to serve others that are more traumatized by it), and then release the grip it has over you by setting it free or carrying along but this time, you are making it your strength.

2. Reject

In order to be what you aspire to be, you have to ‘kill’ who you are now. For example –if you want to be a business woman, you need to look into ways to become healthier, more organised and more resourceful. If you were a procrastinator before now you need to be persistent, ambitious and again – more organised. So you need to rejects parts of you that have even become habits in order to become a version of what you aspire to be. You need to decide to stop doing certain things. It will be hard sometimes but that is where you refer back to deciding what you need to become.

3. Action

This part is crucial. You will NOT see any changes without this last step. Once you have worked on the inside, it is time to take action on the outside. You can start by having an online planner or a diary/journal. You can set up meetings with potential clients. You prepare both positive and negative responses. You can also sign up for that those skills you wanted to obtain or experience you wanted to gain by doing a certain job. Action can also take place internally like building better boundaries, choosing who your close friends are or teaching yourself how to speak in front of a crowd.

It is not easy to start fresh but each day really does provide the opportunity to do so. I also think that living to meet the expectations of peers/family is irrational just like the fear one feels during a panic attack. Starting over might hurt if it makes your life uncomfortable for a few months/years but it is way better than foreseeing a whole 40-50 years of predictable unhappiness or not living the life you want because of people/reasons that are only applicable now.

This process can me emotional so I would recommend uninterrupted alone time in order to focus on it and really dig into why you are where you are mentally.

All the best!

Love,

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Why 2019 needs to be different

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone is doing well. It has taken so much courage to write this post today. I had reserved all of December 2018 for blogging and videos and ended up doing neither. I did, however, film and upload some vlogmas content but it’s so far the least watched videos on my channel, so that was a bust. So thinking of blogging again became a distant memory and I just carried on lazying around the house until work started in 2019.

In a way, I’m disappointed in myself for ‘wasting’ all that time but on the other hand, I got to spend some real quality time with my family and nothing is better than that. Since 2019 started I’ve been seeing a lot of people really seeing value in themselves and hustling more than ever. I think 2018’s anxiety & depression scare really made people wake up and realise that they’ve only got one life and they need to make the best of it.

Personally, I’ve had my own ‘wake up’ as well. Last year, I was riddled with guilt for turning back on a career that I’ve spent 8 years of my life on. I was mad at myself that I didn’t value myself enough while I was there which resulted in my assessments not being dealt with accordingly and I also blamed myself and regretted that I didn’t get out sooner. These days all I do is forgive myself for this daily.

I completely let go of my physical value last year. I was eating A LOT of friend chicken, lots of soda, lots of wine which ended up being lots of cocktails. I never exercised. Then a time came where I just threw clothes on, not a care in the world on what I looked like or how I was being perceived. I now have a lot of cellulite on my thighs and I can’t get away with wearing short dresses (for now). Even though I haven’t made plans yet, I feel like my mind has now come around to accepting that I can do exercises at home.

Work is better this year because half my workload was given to someone else. This now gives me more time to be present. Last year, I had to run to each and every class and I was only half prepared for each of them. I intend to use my new free space to be the most prepared teacher to my students because I want them to learn as much as possible and to have good, prepared fun! LOL!

I think 2019 has to be different for a lot of us because we’ve tried a whole bunch of things that completely failed. Whether it’s a youtube channel, a blog, an Instagram page, an online business, a podcast, a brand deal or a collaboration. But, we keep going because time waits for no man. And we can’t all be successful in everything we do. Even people we look up to know had a lot of failed ventures before becoming what they are. Sometimes it takes expanding, demolishing, rebranding or other techniques for an idea to work and become a business.

What I’ve seen is that people are tired of letting one failure define them.

Be that person. Try again.

Start writing again, filming again, making those phone calls again, recruiting again or come up with a new idea! Either way, let’s get up and go!

With love,

{2018 Edit} Why South Africa is suddenly depressed?

Hi everyone!

I hope you’ve all been well.

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in these discussion about the rise of depression cases in South Africa. Now, more so because of the death of HHP. He’s one of the most loved hip-hop artists in South Africa and some current rappers say that he’s been their biggest inspiration – kind of like the godfather of hip-hip and rap in South Africa. In my house, he’s won over my mother’s heart because she always used to go on about how there’s a lot of Setswana humor in his music.

Right after his death, there was a lot of speculation about the cause of his death and now it’s been alleged that he suffered from depression and may have taken his own life. Whether it’s true or not, I think it definitely sparked a mental health talk and I’m actually a little disappointed about certain views we have a country.

Some people completely understand. I think it’s because it’s suddenly okay to talk about it because you or other family members have been secretly battling this issue. And now, it’s like a #MeToo moment. I can personally relate – not just for myself but also my mother. Early this year my mom was hospitalized for what seemed to be a throat issue and ended up to be full blown anxiety/panic attacks. So everytime she would be extremely angry (which happened more times that we realised) she would feel like her heart is literally about to explode. We’d see it on the outside like a rapid heartbeat motion on her neck and she would literally collapse into a sitting position and try to breathe slowly until it passed.

After the diagnosis we got her some natural stress relief medication and recommended some breathing exercises and it has only happened a few times since then. We’ve also been working on addressing her anger. She gets quickly disappointed in people because she has severe control issues that she accepted as normal only because I still do what she says but she needed to know that the world doesn’t owe her anything and that she needed to live for herself. She also needed to learn not to think for other people if she’s not willing to accept that not everyone thinks like her. She’s also had to learn to not always carry the past with her (hardest thing ever, FYI).

So from all of this drama, I’ve also gone through major changes myself. Not only did I change jobs, but I also changed my profession. And it’s been really hard starting from the bottom. I think when I switched over, I was really important to stay focused. I couldn’t always wish to go back to my safety zone that almost killed me. I had to keep going. So I completely drenched myself in my new work and a few weeks ago, I started having severe anxiety. Not so much from regret, but I think reality started kicking in. The high of the switch was wearing off. And I was feeling overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.

It started with mild crying outburst, then wine would help sometimes, then I completely went off into the dark but always just staying conscious to go to work and when I would get home I wold go straight to bed. It kind of feels like this is the time my mother wanted to talk the most. My friends felt neglected, which is funny because I could not talk to any of them about this because (a) we’d go right back to their problems and (b) they don’t believe in having anxiety and being depressed because they believe it be a lack of faith.

So I kept it inside. I have to, because I can’t convince others of a thing they don’t believe in. All I can do is seek treatment and find a healthy outlet.

It’s very hard to find one that works, believe me!! Recently when I felt overwhelmed, I just sat on my carpet and did an inhale and exhale exercise. It was painful. I couldn’t breathe past my throat the whole day that day and all I wanted to do, was to feel the air travel to my lungs and out again. Simple right? But it felt like a mammoth task and when I eventually could, I just wept.

Is anxiety and depression real? YES. Should it bother you that nobody believes you? HECK NAAAA. On that one or two rare days when you feel normal, you should seek help or at least talk about all the darkness you’re feeling. Sometimes it can even be something you though you’ve let go of but the feelings surrounding that particular thing haven’t been addressed.

Sometimes it’s something that makes you feel bad. Like social media platforms that make you look at yourself as less than. Or something at work that keeps happening and you’re not telling anyone. Family members that are not on your side about a decision or even a person that you are trying to change (first of all, you can’t change anyone) – you need to let go, accept or change your view about it. We are transformed by the power of our minds, after all.

Be nice to one another!

Thank you for reading!

Dark & Lovely Amla Legend Deep Treatment Review

Hi everyone!

Long time, no talk! Today I have a review because I just luuuurve trying new products and I have missed reviewing them! On the hot seat today is the Dark & Lovely Amla Legend Black Shine Recovery Deep Treatment.

I don’t really like deep treatment serums because I don’t really see the difference in my hair but then again the last time I tried it I had relaxed hair and I’m not sure if that had a difference in the outcome. Or so I hope…

So, a few days ago I decided to give it a try because I still have relaxed tips and I was scared that the fact that I never trim it or deep treat it is the reason why it doesn’t grow as fast. So two options arose: cut the tips yourself and try a deep treatment.

So when I was at Clicks a few days ago I looked around for some deep treatment options and I decided to try the Dark & Lovely options. To try to accommodate the process I also got the Amla Legend black shine shampoo and I absolutely loved the thick moisture and scent. I always start with another shampoo to get the dirt out and then go over with the Dark & Lovely oil moisturizing shampoo.

I applied the deep treatment after the conditioner and left it on for about 10 minutes and covered it with a plastic bag(alternative to shower cap *wink wink*) and washed it out. I don’t think I felt an immediate change because my hair was its usual stubborn ‘self’ when I was detangling it in preparation for air drying. I hope that with frequent use I’ll be able to see some results.

See you on soon!!

Am I the problem?

Hi everyone!

I’ve never really been optimistic. As matter of fact, I always want to die when I talk to someone about an actual problem (already negative and most of the time colossal) and they spin me with the ‘it’s going to be alright’ sticker on my forehead. That tells me that they really want me to throw them in the fountain and walk away.

I know it sounds contradictory to most of my posts because I spend half of them telling you (and me) that everything happens for a reason and how to fix your current situation that I know too well. Today, after a failed conversation with my mom, I started writing this post mainly to identify a problem, rather than to fix it.

I had difficulty sleeping last night and I had those life questions scary nights. Where do I see myself in a year? Do I really want to get married? Am I built for relationships? Can I really raise 6 kids? Why am I not a millionaire? Am I still afraid of driving? Am I overloaded with other people’s problems? Why does my blog/channel not do that well? Why don’t I like to teach myself how to make myself pretty? Why don’t I like gyms? Why does my body hurt so much? When am I going to die? Will my kids do what I tell them? Do I want to raise them as a single mom? When am I getting a dog/cat? When am I renewing my license? Who takes care of me when I run out of fuel from taking care of others? When will I be truly happy? How will I know if I’m truly happy?

Drama right? I have these questions swirling in my mind, giving me heartburn! It’s not like I have all the answers but I truly feel so drained and absolutely exhausted! I think my brain has had the biggest crisis for the longest time. The moment I unplug for 4 days my mind literally lost it.

In a way I’m thankful this is happening because like I mentioned in my previous post, this is major decisions year and it was naïve of me to think that I will make one major decision and expect everything to fall into place. There are so many frustrating things. I think sometimes you can get lost in all that is happening around you and that causes RIDICULOUS PRESSURE. It’s so crucial in this time to know exactly who you are and what exactly makes you happy. You have to learn to switch off your mind to things you can’t change. And always speak (repetitively) good things into your life that will help you through those stubborn wrinkles that life gives you.

You can get so distracted by what other people are doing and certain choices they make. You can get so consumed with comparison. You can even spend nights awake thinking that you are just made ‘wrong’ and that you are the only person of your kind left on earth. You can even feel so misunderstood. By others and by yourself. However, always do something that you are conscious of. Always own your space. At the end of the day, only you can explain yourself to YOU.

Don’t let the river carry your body downstream.

Be present.

God KNOWS.

Making critical decisions

Hi Everyone!

It’s been exactly 3 months since my last post and almost 3 years since I felt really excited about my life and what’s to come. Today I think I feel more than ready to get back into blogging and the rest of my online life. So many things have changed! People have left and there are new people. Most of the women I follow are now moms and I would say some have had some procedures done – from boob jobs to fixing their teeth! What a time to be alive!

Recently I realized that I’ve creatively starved myself for so long and it’s so hard to get back into the groove. I think I’ve had tunnel vision for the longest time so it’s so hard to figure out where to start. I’m going to let you guys in on some changes. I’ve moved back home and got a new job. I’ve also sold my car (It’s been a year now) which still makes me an amateur driver and my mom won’t let me drive her car. My brother also moved back home which is driving me insane because we can only get along properly long distance. And my adopted sister is still in school which means that I share my room with her which is unacceptable at my age because I’m really missing out on night shift calls! LOL!

So how did we get here? All I can say is that we’ve had to make some critical choices and that’s what the rest of my life is going to be about. That is being deliberate. I’ve spent way too much time letting the river drag my corpse down to an unknown place. I want to be deliberate and even more specific about why I’m here. I’ve always wanted to travel but it always ended up no further than my wishlist and I’ve always wanted to be socially involved and I guess I get to do that with what I do know. I’ve also always wanted to be financially independent and I’ve made some hard choices that will hopefully help me get there.

Here’s the thing about critical decisions – they are never easy. Especially if you are a low risk person like me. You always want to make the right choice and never want it to have any consequences. I think this time around I really believe that ‘you do your best and God does the rest’ because of the way certain things happened - it just can’t be a coincidence! It’s all about that ‘off a cliff’ moment, when you know that God will catch you. You also have to allow change into your life. It might not be upward(or what others would consider upward); it could be a curve or a turn to the left that will eventually go up.

I’ve always considered the 20’s to be learning years. It can be intimidating when your peers or friends already know what they want but I really believe in that small voice. You always heard it when you chose the ‘wrong’ thing, it will eventually steer you toward the right thing because it has that peace factor that you can’t replace or find anywhere else no matter how far you look.

Life is a precious gift. This has been said a thousand times!

This time, treat it like one.

What was 2017 though?

Hi everyone!

I feel like I kind of knew 2017 was going to suck before it started. Admitting that, is probably the saddest  thing to ever come out of me. I was looking toward a hard year and all I thought of was that the only thing I needed to do, was to survive. And it started going badly the first week already and I deeply depressed by the end of January.

I can barely remember each day. All that I can recall is waking up, doing my best to not crack down at work and getting home to my lover – Insomnia. After a while I started having a glass of wine more frequent than I can remember so that I can fall asleep and not be hooked on sleeping pills – again.

I definitely put my body through the most. I had a lot of takeaways and never planned my meals. I would eat after 10pm. I would never walk or do any form of exercise. I completely stopped caring about my appearance. I was completely dehydrated at one stage because I never drank water during the day or in the morning like I used to do.

My family also went through a lot of ups and downs and most days were about us all not cracking down and falling apart. We had to adjust to a lot. And accept not having certain things that we are used to. We definitely talked less, however I think that worked in our favour because we all knew what we were going through so we remind each other? We definitely spent more time apart because we could not afford to see each other as often.

I was dealing with first hand debt issues.  Don’t know how other people dealt with this as students! After I sold my car I had a lot of debt and I had to cut back on everything! I still am. On the other hand –work was such a nightmare. I just realized that I’m wasting my time and I’m always ill for no reason. Through this issue, I had to learn how to deal with anxiety. I have a huge fear of the unknown and it is horrible for me to always worry if tomorrow will be okay. If I will be able to persevere.  If I will endure.

I definitely tired a lot of things but one thing I realized that is that you can always wrap a problem up nicely but at the end of the day it’s still there. In most cases, I would actually be okay for a couple of days and then have a bad weekend. I hated being in conversations where people were discussing their future plans and things they were proud of. Which caused me to spend a lot of time on my own which basically added to the anxiety.

Through all of this I definitely grew stronger, It might not be academically or in work experience but definitely In my mental state.

And all my hope came from this one scripture I would always repeat::

Phil 4:6 – ‘Do not worry about anything, but instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for ALL that he has done’

It’s so easy to get lost in what you don’t have or what has not happened to you but never waste another second worrying about it. It will turn you into someone you can’t even recognize and that will just make your journey so much harder.

Join me on my channel where I will be having a conversation about this so that it can be more interactive! 

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Quality Time with Family

Hi everyone!

I’ve been feeling awesome lately! I’ve been so stoked to share my family reunion story this year! Last year was so awful because I was stuck in the Northern Cape during the time of our reunion last year! That really bummed me out! Seeing my family is the highlight of the year! So you can imagine how awful it was to not be with my crew for a whole year!

Earlier this year we went to our family wedding and it was amazing even though I wasn’t feeling fresh at the time! I had a really low self-esteem (still feel like that at times) and I was so confused about my life and my career. It still feels frustrating at times but I’ve just been having better days. Travelling there was a complete nightmare. My mom hates driving long distance so we always have to take a bus. The bus from Mozambique is always so crammed and disorganized therefore that leg of the trip is a freakin’ nightmare! But once we were headed to the Free State it was so much better. Mom and I even got into a fight about the family reunion that I’m (I’ll repeat I’M) in charge of for 2019!

How beautiful is this?

When we got there we basically had enough time to do catch ups and planning for the ceremony on Saturday. This year I was part of the organizing committee for the first time so there were a lot of things to do that I had no idea of! My aunt and cousin did such a good job and I was so blessed to have them in my team as they did the most of the heavy lifting. We normally put together a tent, organize music, get the food ready and keep the programme light and easy. Most of the time EVERYONE cries because we consist mostly out of women and we are sooooooo emotional!

Brother & Mom

Mom & her gorg sisters

Lovely hair decor!

Family Identity & wonderful gifts from my aunt! 

Basically this year I feel like we had a lot of healings. We all go through hard times. Like hard, hard times. And I think we’ll all agree that no matter what happens, time with family is time with family. We all walk away inspired. Or feeling a little better about our situation at home. Our health has improved so much over the years and I think it has a lot to do with being super happy. We just feed off of each other and we all come back the following year stronger and just further in life.

If there are obstacles stacked against a group of people to not meet up – it’s us. We are not financially stable, we don’t always get along & we don’t have enough resources to keep up with the world but we ALWAYS make it our priority to come together! So if there’s something to take away from this post is to always prioritize RELATIONSHIPS above anything! It’s the one thing nobody can buy and no-one can take away!

Lead with Love!

xx

Changing your reality

Hi everyone!

September is basically birthday month for ALL my friends. Seeing that we’re so far away from each other this year I decided to dig up some old videos and photos from varsity and share it on our Whatsapp group. LOL! They freaked out so much. And we just laughed because we really did have good times.

It also made me realize how much time has gone by. Next week is our 8^th annual family reunion and this is my 3^rd year in the working world. I feel like going into an emotional fit because exactly 3 years ago I told my family that Auditing & Accounting is not a good career for me. I remember them being really tense about it. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make because I had just finished up my 5^th year at university that time but I remember being so relieved that I came to that conclusion.

You guys know the story but fast forward to 3 years later, I’ve never felt this depressed in my life. My blog became a place where I shared all the frustrations and a quick fix guide to ‘getting it together’. To be quite honest that really helped me because I would be completely depressed if I didn’t have an outlet for all the negativity. I also feel like I’ve had the most breakdowns than I’ve ever had in my life. Surviving them, only to be brought back into the same situation is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

A few days ago my friend called me in the morning and asked me what I was up to and if I’m alright. At this point in my life – I truly hate that question. The answer is no and please don’t ask me why because the answer is the same. It also brought up the topic of good days and bad days. I’m never okay but I have a job and bills therefore I can’t lie in bed and not get out. When I tried doing that legally, I got a written warning because we’re short staffed and we have a lot of work. So then I don’t have a choice. It’s either I quit or continue to do a job I despise.

Right now all the stress eating and a lack of self-care is showing. I feel so heavy and tired all the time. I never wear make-up to work because I always need to ‘make it’ through the day rather than have a normal work day. I spend my weekend indoors because I’m avoiding to much contact because people who want to catch up have actual stories while I’m still unhappy about my life. These days I’m unhappy with myself.  I’m ruining me. I no longer invest in myself.

Days can go by without me actually knowing what’s happening. I always have deadline upon deadline and the job is getting harder and harder. Worst part is that I need to be fully awake. There are so many changes in my career and I always need to know how it affects my client. And I really couldn’t care less. This makes my contribution worthless. It also makes me the weakest link because the public relies on the work I do and the fact that I never thought about it in that till now absolutely scares and depresses me even more.

Here’s the point (because I can’t stop talking about this): No matter how positive you try to be, you can’t cover unhappiness. You can push a boulder up the mountain but it will only get there if the motive is beneficial for you/result will work in your favour. If not, then the boulder will, if not immediately, eventually crush you. And that’s my life. Mornings are the hardest. I have a second when I have to ponder if my job is worth it. I have to think about all the wrong decisions taken that lead me to this point. And I wouldn’t wish that even on the worst person on this earth.

It’s why it’s important to always revisit the questions: What is my purpose on this Earth? What am I doing? And who am I doing it for? Walking away might not be in the cards but it’s always so important to use all your available time to keep telling yourself that you have purpose and that you are deserving of a way out and that you will not always be drowning in your own sorrow.

Change your free time. Make sure that you don’t spend it crying about what you hate doing!! See if that works!!

xx

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How to Keep Going!!

Hi everyone!

When the year started I had some specific goals. I create them based on being optimistic. Based on the state of mind that the sheet is clean and I can use my imagination to its fullest extent. I normally don’t spend New Year’s with my family because I spend that time reflecting on the year, thinking about what I could have done differently, all the blessings gained and lessons learned. I also think a lot about where I didn’t value myself like I should have and then based on that decide what I need to cut out of my life.

This year everything started out really bad but I was determined to make it work despite the steep way up I was facing just to get to an equilibrium. This year I really wanted to focus on my blog and channel and also spend more time with my friends before all the wedding and baby season starts. I managed to keep up with some friends but not the ones living far away and my blog and channel have been on a standstill.

Somewhere around February my phone just stopped working which made my Instagram feed die and we all know it’s pointless to keep the blog up without being able to share it on social media. I only got a new phone last week and now I have no material and it’s winter here which means that the only daylight I get is on Saturday where I normally sleep in and let the sunrise wake me.

If I could tell you all the other things, you would really think that I’m caught in a ring with 6 punchy Mike Tysons beating me up when all I tried to do was get an autograph. I’m only not telling you because I don’t want to give it power. That’s actually what motivated me to write about it. I’ve become so bottled up and distracted by other people that I haven’t been focused on my needs and where I was lacking. Distractions are good but not to the point where you wake up Monday and go to sleep on a Saturday night. That’s what happened to me in April and May. I barely remember it.

It’s hard to be in state of survival but it can make you stronger and help you to differentiate between significant and insignificant.  I care about everything. I’m like a mental hoarder so you can imagine how hard this process has been for me, but there’s nothing like extreme cases of incidents that have happened that has really helped me to put things more into perspective.

Today, I’m sharing 5 key things that helped and can help you:

A small prayer. During this time it’s very easy to be convinced that God is not on your side. Especially when a bad thing happens ON TOP of SEVERAL bad things that were already too hard for you to deal with. I’m always comforted when I say: Lord, I know that You are working behind the scenes for my good/favour. Or that the path before me has already been paved and blessed.

Roll out of bed. During this time it was hard for me to be a morning person. So every day I would roll out and be awake only after I’ve bathed. Atleast through this, I will go to work rather than call in sick which I used to do quite a lot last year.

Focus on your immediate deadline. This will help your mind create a narrow vision and help you forget all the things you can’t control. The only con is that you will not be able to focus on your passions because your mind is only on work.

Take walks with anyone. Staying indoors made the room feel smaller. So whenever someone would visit I’d make them take walks with me so that I can let the tension escape in the air.

Drink wine. I’m the last person to suggest this but during this time I had a hard time sleeping. When I was in school I used to have sleeping tablets but I did not want to use those anymore so on Fridays I would have some popcorn and wine and have a really good night’s rest. During the week I would just pass out because of the late hours and ridiculous amount of work so it really helped on those early nights!

Everybody has different challenges but one thing we have in common is 24 hours and limited resources that we have to use wisely in order for us to make it!

You can make it!

xx

Passing Feelings

Hi everyone!

The past two days have definitely been trying times days.  I’m mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I try to put myself back together in some hours but it’s short-lived because I’m carrying so much and limited in so many areas.  It really takes a lot for me to try and not notice what’s going on but it kills me to do that as I’ve always thought of myself as a person that really lives and not just exists.

So on what happened. Yesterday two of my new colleagues told me that I speak in a disrespectful manner to the Director. Naturally, I tried to explain to them that I’ve been talking that casual to him ever since I started there and he’s never told me that I was out of line (well, except one time when I was upset that the client we were assisting were awful to us and he basically said that I needed to take that back and just eat it up). Their way of speaking to him is basically to avoid all humor and nod and smile. I don’t do that with anyone. I would not even know how to do that!

So I called my friend and because she knows me she understood where I was coming from and basically told me not to change to fit into someone’s definition of being respectful. My mom said the same thing. Mom also asked me to ask them to demonstrate what that 'respectful behavior' would look like. Lol! I also spoke to this other friend who was going through a hard time trying to find another job. Ended up spending the entire night motivating her to keep trying, so by the time I slept I felt better about what happened.

Then literally the next day I’m faced with other office drama that basically crippled my day after my lunch order wasn’t processed, after I spent a whole hour waiting for it. It even got to a point where I felt like I needed to resign. I have no idea why I’m so emotionally sensitive and it just feels like hard work to make each day work. The past weekend could also be playing a role as I tried to do a lot of things over two days and I could just be exhausted.

Point is that I’m writing this post after realizing how emotionally drained we can become of something that momentarily affects you. I never thought I could get over a bad mark in high school or an embarrassing event at university and right now it feels like what happened today will affect the rest of my life. But in a few months (or even tomorrow) it will be nothing more than something that happened that has nothing to do with me as a person.

I used to get severe heartburn when something like this would happen. I wouldn’t be able to function on anything else and I would spend hours replaying it. It’s currently happening now and I want more than anything to be in control of my mind and just make it stop. And sometimes it takes you saying: ‘I will not let this consume me’ and actually going as far as doing something productive in the time you would have wasted going around in circles about it.

I actually (and finally) downloaded my study material in order to get started with my assignments due on Monday and when that went slowly I decided to write this post and I’m going to try and study again after completing it. Not because I’m strong or persistent, but because I need to keep growing and keep evolving and I need to keep in mind that life is long. What would I look like if I became consumed with other people’s view of me all the time or how they feel about me.  If you live the best life possible, without having to step on someone else to achieve that, there’s nothing stopping you from being you!

Never waste time!

Love you!

Down but Not Out

Hi everyone!

I’ve been in such a spiral since January started. 2017 truly feels like an uphill battle where all the victories are short-lived. It really feels like no matter what I do, the paw-paw keeps hitting the fan and at this point it’s kind of pointless to clean up the mess. Currently I’m on leave for about 8 days that I desperately needed and I’ve spent about 5 of those days just going through the motions and properly addressing my feelings.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I actually went awol because our firm is just so unfair in terms of how they treat us and there’s basically nothing you can do about it. So when I feel overwhelmed I just disappear and go offline until I feel better.

I’ve been looking at how I’ve just completely gone off the radar on my blog and channel. Youtube, especially because I’ve been trying to get a better lens since last year and I haven’t been in a good space to buy it. I’ve also been having extremes – emotionally. Which affected my writing and filming because I just felt bad about myself and my life in general. On some days when the sun would shine again, I would just soak that in by taking a walk or going out with a friend I’ve neglected.

If you know me, you’d know that I don’t believe in mood swings. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to have any. When I started puberty my mom basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be sour just because I was going through a natural thing. My mom is pretty controlling so if you know her, this would sound perfectly normal, LOL! So during this time of intense stress it was just better for me to retreat rather than be unhappy in public.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog mainstream and ‘commerciable’. I like talking about different things and I did not want to make it one thing so I made my channel more lifestyle with my name on it but I realized during this time that I like being under an alias or a brand that will represent me so changing all the banners is truly daunting but needs to be done in order to ‘continue from here’. I no longer want to go under ‘ClosetFreedom’ because it’s one of those things where looking back was good, but now you’re like ‘what were you thinking?’!

I want something that can represent my soul and my beliefs. Currently I truly feel kind of damaged and under intense strain so that is affecting this process. I also want to factor in my love for communication and helping people to be more understanding and open. It’s probably the only thing I loved doing this year. I got my results from the first semester yesterday and it went well with 2 out of the 3 subjects, which made me realize that I need to work harder and learn to prioritize better.

I’m excited going into the second half of the year even though it’s already August but I truly can not live my life without hope. I have to believe that I’m being battered in order to be able to handle something worse than this, hopefully very far in the future because I could seriously use a break this year!

Can’t wait to share my thoughts and views with you guys for the rest of 2017!

Stay blessed!

XX

Hello June

Hi everyone!

It’s been a minute! As we speak I’m sitting in front of a heater trying to keep warm. Nelspruit has NEVER been this cold. Last year I got a fan heater and barely used it. This year has been pretty interesting. I haven’t even gotten used to say that I’m 25 because I barely got time to celebrate it but things are definitely looking up, finally!

I always feel like I have to careful about what I share online now but like I’ve said before – my channel and blog is all about being open because I tend to be closed off and I started my blog because I didn’t want to be that way anymore. You guys know that every year is hard for me and I’ve always sort of had a meltdown about it. This year, however, it has gone quite a bit weird.

I bought a car last year and having it was quite hard. I was super scared of driving so if I could walk rather than drive, I would walk. And I never went to work with it because it would force me to drive my colleagues around and the reimbursements for that were never guaranteed. And before long I was forced to sell it in order to get my financials back on track.

So in December I had to kick out my brother because he was never reliable and he always put his friends before his family. And when the time came for them to do the same they kicked out like day old turkey which was a good opportunity for a lesson learned for him. So then no matter how much I advertised I did not get someone to fill his room by January so the whole month’s rent was on me which was really devastating.

Then I tried to survive from that and got someone in February but finances still kicked my butt because my family lived with me for 5 months and in that time I maxed out my credit card. A definite bad call and also filed under Lesson Learned. So then I finally sold my car but had a 20k shortfall on it which was the best deal I could get at the time. That hard time also taught me a lot about cars. Now by this time I’d been trying to sell it since February. It finally happened in April and I had to survive the rest of the month with the installment of the car already subtracted from my account.

Then at the end of that month I had to go to my cousin’s wedding that I only found out about in March that I couldn’t miss. Fortunately my mom was able to secure some cash on credit so that she can save me on the car and that also allowed me to go to the wedding. Then I was able to pay her since then sort of half of what my car’s shortfall was worth seeing that my contract ends in January (So I can only afford to make payments till January). So that’s what I’ve been doing since end of April.

During this time I’ve had additional issues. I haven’t been going to church, both my phones stopped working and I’ve become a total pessimist. My channel has been on a standstill and I was just not able to talk about it because I was trying not to be a mess in order to function properly at work and to appear normal which is of great personal growth to me. I normally crack at the first sign of a problem. And only fix it months later. I also had assignments and exams during this time and had great marks but I haven’t had money to pay tuition in order to see if I’ve passed or not but that will also get solved in the time when it does.

My biggest lesson in all of this is definitely to calm the f down. I’m always like a champagne bottle when it’s opened. I always run over. But now I’ve had to be okay with things I can’t change. For example – I’ve always wanted to learn how to highlight and contour. But without the proper funds and ‘good debt’ I’ve had to put it on hold for a year now. I’ve learned how to do my own hair and be okay with not shopping for clothes. My bedroom has looked the same for the past 2 years and I’ve had to be okay with that too. If you know how much I like décor you’d know how much of a slow burn that is for me. So basically I’ve just had to be okay with basics. I haven’t done that since the first few months of varsity in 2010!!

IT’S OKAY.

That’s become my 2 most spoken words. They save my life every day.

They can do the same for you!

One day at a time,

Love

A Traditional Family Wedding

Hi Everyone!

I just came back from my cousin’s wedding in the Free State! Gosh, I was soooo tired that I just climbed in bed when I got back and even had to take a day off in the week. I was, however, quickly restored because I’ve been on such a ‘happy high’ because I had a fantastic time catching up with my extended family!

So my cousin had a traditional wedding with a twist I guess (it’s becoming a trend in my family now) and all my family members looked absolutely amazing! The bride wanted the wedding to have a blue ‘shweshwe’ theme which really came together on the wedding day. My mom and I also like to edge it up and give it that modern lady look and I actually love how it turned out.

So we left Wednesday night because we were travelling by bus. I was actually super tired because I had a full work day and a bit of overtime that day and had to catch the bus at 11:30pm. We were stuck at Park Station for a while and it was ridiculously cold. I had one handbag and a camera bag with a little blanket (because I was wearing leggings) so that I could use it on my legs if it got cold and had to give it to my mom because she was wearing a denim jacket. I’ll repeat: A DENIM JACKET.

Fast forward to a thousand years later, we finally arrived and literally every member of my family rocked up and I was so happy to see them. I even got to meet a few relatives that I haven’t seen in a while. So my favourite part of the wedding was definitely decorating the venue with the bride and taking all the behind the scenes photos because it helped me to interact with people and capture the best moments.

Mom and I had our outfits made at home so it was relatively affordable and I definitely loved how it came together with the head wrap. The shoes ended up looking bomb with this dress but it was truly not planned because those are the only black shoes I own (other platforms would have been too slippery) that my feet were going to be able to manage to walk in a mountainous structure.

 What do you guys think of the wedding outfits?

xx