{2018 Edit} Why South Africa is suddenly depressed?

Hi everyone!

I hope you’ve all been well.

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in these discussion about the rise of depression cases in South Africa. Now, more so because of the death of HHP. He’s one of the most loved hip-hop artists in South Africa and some current rappers say that he’s been their biggest inspiration – kind of like the godfather of hip-hip and rap in South Africa. In my house, he’s won over my mother’s heart because she always used to go on about how there’s a lot of Setswana humor in his music.

Right after his death, there was a lot of speculation about the cause of his death and now it’s been alleged that he suffered from depression and may have taken his own life. Whether it’s true or not, I think it definitely sparked a mental health talk and I’m actually a little disappointed about certain views we have a country.

Some people completely understand. I think it’s because it’s suddenly okay to talk about it because you or other family members have been secretly battling this issue. And now, it’s like a #MeToo moment. I can personally relate – not just for myself but also my mother. Early this year my mom was hospitalized for what seemed to be a throat issue and ended up to be full blown anxiety/panic attacks. So everytime she would be extremely angry (which happened more times that we realised) she would feel like her heart is literally about to explode. We’d see it on the outside like a rapid heartbeat motion on her neck and she would literally collapse into a sitting position and try to breathe slowly until it passed.

After the diagnosis we got her some natural stress relief medication and recommended some breathing exercises and it has only happened a few times since then. We’ve also been working on addressing her anger. She gets quickly disappointed in people because she has severe control issues that she accepted as normal only because I still do what she says but she needed to know that the world doesn’t owe her anything and that she needed to live for herself. She also needed to learn not to think for other people if she’s not willing to accept that not everyone thinks like her. She’s also had to learn to not always carry the past with her (hardest thing ever, FYI).

So from all of this drama, I’ve also gone through major changes myself. Not only did I change jobs, but I also changed my profession. And it’s been really hard starting from the bottom. I think when I switched over, I was really important to stay focused. I couldn’t always wish to go back to my safety zone that almost killed me. I had to keep going. So I completely drenched myself in my new work and a few weeks ago, I started having severe anxiety. Not so much from regret, but I think reality started kicking in. The high of the switch was wearing off. And I was feeling overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.

It started with mild crying outburst, then wine would help sometimes, then I completely went off into the dark but always just staying conscious to go to work and when I would get home I wold go straight to bed. It kind of feels like this is the time my mother wanted to talk the most. My friends felt neglected, which is funny because I could not talk to any of them about this because (a) we’d go right back to their problems and (b) they don’t believe in having anxiety and being depressed because they believe it be a lack of faith.

So I kept it inside. I have to, because I can’t convince others of a thing they don’t believe in. All I can do is seek treatment and find a healthy outlet.

It’s very hard to find one that works, believe me!! Recently when I felt overwhelmed, I just sat on my carpet and did an inhale and exhale exercise. It was painful. I couldn’t breathe past my throat the whole day that day and all I wanted to do, was to feel the air travel to my lungs and out again. Simple right? But it felt like a mammoth task and when I eventually could, I just wept.

Is anxiety and depression real? YES. Should it bother you that nobody believes you? HECK NAAAA. On that one or two rare days when you feel normal, you should seek help or at least talk about all the darkness you’re feeling. Sometimes it can even be something you though you’ve let go of but the feelings surrounding that particular thing haven’t been addressed.

Sometimes it’s something that makes you feel bad. Like social media platforms that make you look at yourself as less than. Or something at work that keeps happening and you’re not telling anyone. Family members that are not on your side about a decision or even a person that you are trying to change (first of all, you can’t change anyone) – you need to let go, accept or change your view about it. We are transformed by the power of our minds, after all.

Be nice to one another!

Thank you for reading!

Down but Not Out

Hi everyone!

I’ve been in such a spiral since January started. 2017 truly feels like an uphill battle where all the victories are short-lived. It really feels like no matter what I do, the paw-paw keeps hitting the fan and at this point it’s kind of pointless to clean up the mess. Currently I’m on leave for about 8 days that I desperately needed and I’ve spent about 5 of those days just going through the motions and properly addressing my feelings.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I actually went awol because our firm is just so unfair in terms of how they treat us and there’s basically nothing you can do about it. So when I feel overwhelmed I just disappear and go offline until I feel better.

I’ve been looking at how I’ve just completely gone off the radar on my blog and channel. Youtube, especially because I’ve been trying to get a better lens since last year and I haven’t been in a good space to buy it. I’ve also been having extremes – emotionally. Which affected my writing and filming because I just felt bad about myself and my life in general. On some days when the sun would shine again, I would just soak that in by taking a walk or going out with a friend I’ve neglected.

If you know me, you’d know that I don’t believe in mood swings. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to have any. When I started puberty my mom basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be sour just because I was going through a natural thing. My mom is pretty controlling so if you know her, this would sound perfectly normal, LOL! So during this time of intense stress it was just better for me to retreat rather than be unhappy in public.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog mainstream and ‘commerciable’. I like talking about different things and I did not want to make it one thing so I made my channel more lifestyle with my name on it but I realized during this time that I like being under an alias or a brand that will represent me so changing all the banners is truly daunting but needs to be done in order to ‘continue from here’. I no longer want to go under ‘ClosetFreedom’ because it’s one of those things where looking back was good, but now you’re like ‘what were you thinking?’!

I want something that can represent my soul and my beliefs. Currently I truly feel kind of damaged and under intense strain so that is affecting this process. I also want to factor in my love for communication and helping people to be more understanding and open. It’s probably the only thing I loved doing this year. I got my results from the first semester yesterday and it went well with 2 out of the 3 subjects, which made me realize that I need to work harder and learn to prioritize better.

I’m excited going into the second half of the year even though it’s already August but I truly can not live my life without hope. I have to believe that I’m being battered in order to be able to handle something worse than this, hopefully very far in the future because I could seriously use a break this year!

Can’t wait to share my thoughts and views with you guys for the rest of 2017!

Stay blessed!

XX

How emotional turmoil can be physically evident

Hi everyone!

Something weird is happening. Yesterday I was in the middle of a sale of one of my assets and I was just overcame with insane anxiety. I had to submit an assignment last night and it’s still not complete now. I was just stunned. So normally I would just cry a bit because it releases some emotional pressure bit instead I called like 5 people and cleaned my place. I haven’t been able to clean it for almost 2 weeks and this morning it was as if it’s occupied by …well, a clean person! LOL!

So what does this mean?

Well 2 things have come to pass. My tearsgates are sealed TIGHT. Not one tear was available for me which made it extra frustrating! It’s like having a solution that temporarily works but now you can’t use it. Then I watched some Youtube videos and that was shortlived because I don’t know how the settings are right now but it’s so hard to discover new people so I got bored and shut it down. Then it was time to scrub the evidence so I bagged the garbage to get it ready for pick up the next morning, cleaned the kitchen and packed my bedroom into place. Clean environment = Clean Mind? Not exactly but it was a start because I felt a little lighter. It was already 2am so I did not force myself to finish up my assignment because being tired at work has had awful consequences for me in the past!

I think I’m familiar with what’s happening because my mom suffers from the exact same thing. Every time she’s faced with an emotional issue and tries to internalize it, it always comes out on her body. 

One time she had an operation done to cut out an unexpected, and yet to be explained, growth in her shoulder when my brother became an overnight rebel and alcoholic. She also keep being sick when she got a new principal that tried to destroy an orphanage that she spent 10 years building. That time she had to wear an eye patch after her eye got damaged when she kept getting a series of serious tension headaches. And the list goes on.

People think that having anxiety is an easy thing to ‘adopt’ just because a lot of people suffer from it now. However, some people have it but are not aware and then it makes itself apparent in different ways. One thing I can draw from my own experience is to find a step by step guide on how to go through the motions so that it can leave your body quicker or so that you can rebuild faster. Sometimes a whole week can pass you by without you knowing what happened and soon enough you won’t even remember what triggered it because you’ll be neck deep in a depression pit.

In the space of reaching my home at 5pm I went through insane worry. Will I be able to sell my asset? Do I want to sell it? Will I ever get out of financial trouble? Made some coffee thinking it will keep me calm. Met up with buyers. Buyers left with a lower offer than one I had in mind. Should I take a walk? It’s too dark now. Call friend. He tried to make me feel better but I can’t tell him about the sale because I did not tell him about acquisition. Call friend I haven’t spoken to properly since she gave birth. Network is awful. Friend calls me, love life trouble that I had I had to put brakes to because I don’t understand why my heartbeat is so fast. Am I upset about the sale. Mom calls, asks me when I’m coming home. Should I drive to the store? No. Should I take a nap? No, its only 9. Let’s watch Life in Pieces. Heartbeat the same but now feels coupled with heartburn. Open the windows and the fan. Prepare a soothing bath. Wash dishes and clean room first. Take a soothing bath. Try to sleep. Can’t sleep. Watch Life in Pieces again so that you can sleep.

 5am alarm goes off.

Work.

That is just one Tuesday night.

Concerning?

Definitely.

Do I still have the same worries this morning? Yes but it’s time to focus on work because I still need to function like an unaffected human being.

What will I do?

Finalize sale so that it doesn’t hibernate. The longer I struggle to end the chapter the more I’ll worry about being financially afloat. People think that you can ‘snap out’ of it by having a mindset change. I used to be one of those people. Until it’s you or someone you know. Yes, effective decisions definitely helps in order to get the ball rolling because the danger is not make a decision at all and to be crippled by the unknown.

Be brave! Find a way!!

Xx

LIFE| How to deal with waiting for a job.

Hi everyone!

So today I thought I'd open up more by talking about a personal struggle and what I've learnt from it.

How to deal with waiting for a job/ post graduate blues?

So it goes a bit like this. You had a blast at university/college and now there’s no funds for you to remain at university/college and you have no choice but to look for something to keep you busy! It might as well be what you studied for right? So you go onto Google to poke around and a few things you like pop up and then you send in your resume/CV and have some ice-cream on the way home with the hopes that they’ll call you soon to start working...or so I thought.

I think it’s been about 3 months now and I’ve made more than 70/80 applications for me and my brother. My brother recently got some responses but I’ve gotten almost no feedback and most of them said if there’s no communication from their side then consider your application unsuccessful. So I assume that’s what happened to most of them.

By now I’ve gone through just about every emotion. It started at positivity/optimism through to confusion and frustration and then just sadness, disappointment and despair. I even stopped looking for a while. Convinced myself that it wasn’t worth it. I’ll just sit at home and ‘rest’. But then resting becomes tiring and it takes up a lot of energy to do nothing day in and day out. I’ve always had something to do and somewhere to be and I quickly realized that I needed to get the quitting attitude out of my system. I didn’t suit me.

What really helped was having something to do. For me- it’s this blog. The planning, the photos, the uploading, the constant hassle at the internet cafe and trying to keep up with current trends.
Now I’m more determined. It’s okay to give up today. But only today. Tomorrow shouldn’t carry yesterday’s burden. I’ve now learned that the hard way.

Here’s what I recommend to help you try again!

Don’t give up. Have atleast one thing that keeps you going. Even it’s money. Sometimes people say you shouldn’t be motivated by money but if you can’t even buy toiletries on your own then you obviously need money! Let that push you!

Surround yourself with cheerleaders! It’s easy to not take negative feedback well. So you need those people who know how suitably qualified you are! They are also the people who’ll put in a good word for you with their associates/colleagues who know someone’s aunt who’s looking for someone with your qualifications.

Keep yourself busy. Depression lurks when there’s nothing going on in your life. It will keep the war in your head. Instead fight against it with having something to do even if it’s doing something for someone for free. It’s frustrating but it will get you out of your head. Michelle Phan couldn’t get a job and then filmed a make-up tutorial. And now she’s a successful millionaire.

Keep an emotional cycle. If you’re emotional like me, it’s quite easy to be totally destroyed by negativity or the waiting game. So always have a restart point. Mine is Mondays. I don’t take the previous week’s things into the next week. So on Sundays I make sure that I recharge to go into the week on a high. I push through with the applications till Friday and then focus on my blog on the weekend.

Don’t compare yourself with your peers. This is a mind thing. Don’t count the people in your age group who have jobs now or are progressing in their lives. This could destroy you. You are you! And you’re on your own path! I think this might make me preach! Point is..5 years from now you all be in different stages of life. Focus on your own goals and not on how far someone is ahead of you! God has a plan for your life. The road has been set. You’re currently travelling on it which means that this time in your life is suppose to teach you something. That’s why I choose to look for the lesson in it.

So today’s lesson is – NEVER STOP DREAMING!