{2018 Edit} Why South Africa is suddenly depressed?

Hi everyone!

I hope you’ve all been well.

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in these discussion about the rise of depression cases in South Africa. Now, more so because of the death of HHP. He’s one of the most loved hip-hop artists in South Africa and some current rappers say that he’s been their biggest inspiration – kind of like the godfather of hip-hip and rap in South Africa. In my house, he’s won over my mother’s heart because she always used to go on about how there’s a lot of Setswana humor in his music.

Right after his death, there was a lot of speculation about the cause of his death and now it’s been alleged that he suffered from depression and may have taken his own life. Whether it’s true or not, I think it definitely sparked a mental health talk and I’m actually a little disappointed about certain views we have a country.

Some people completely understand. I think it’s because it’s suddenly okay to talk about it because you or other family members have been secretly battling this issue. And now, it’s like a #MeToo moment. I can personally relate – not just for myself but also my mother. Early this year my mom was hospitalized for what seemed to be a throat issue and ended up to be full blown anxiety/panic attacks. So everytime she would be extremely angry (which happened more times that we realised) she would feel like her heart is literally about to explode. We’d see it on the outside like a rapid heartbeat motion on her neck and she would literally collapse into a sitting position and try to breathe slowly until it passed.

After the diagnosis we got her some natural stress relief medication and recommended some breathing exercises and it has only happened a few times since then. We’ve also been working on addressing her anger. She gets quickly disappointed in people because she has severe control issues that she accepted as normal only because I still do what she says but she needed to know that the world doesn’t owe her anything and that she needed to live for herself. She also needed to learn not to think for other people if she’s not willing to accept that not everyone thinks like her. She’s also had to learn to not always carry the past with her (hardest thing ever, FYI).

So from all of this drama, I’ve also gone through major changes myself. Not only did I change jobs, but I also changed my profession. And it’s been really hard starting from the bottom. I think when I switched over, I was really important to stay focused. I couldn’t always wish to go back to my safety zone that almost killed me. I had to keep going. So I completely drenched myself in my new work and a few weeks ago, I started having severe anxiety. Not so much from regret, but I think reality started kicking in. The high of the switch was wearing off. And I was feeling overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.

It started with mild crying outburst, then wine would help sometimes, then I completely went off into the dark but always just staying conscious to go to work and when I would get home I wold go straight to bed. It kind of feels like this is the time my mother wanted to talk the most. My friends felt neglected, which is funny because I could not talk to any of them about this because (a) we’d go right back to their problems and (b) they don’t believe in having anxiety and being depressed because they believe it be a lack of faith.

So I kept it inside. I have to, because I can’t convince others of a thing they don’t believe in. All I can do is seek treatment and find a healthy outlet.

It’s very hard to find one that works, believe me!! Recently when I felt overwhelmed, I just sat on my carpet and did an inhale and exhale exercise. It was painful. I couldn’t breathe past my throat the whole day that day and all I wanted to do, was to feel the air travel to my lungs and out again. Simple right? But it felt like a mammoth task and when I eventually could, I just wept.

Is anxiety and depression real? YES. Should it bother you that nobody believes you? HECK NAAAA. On that one or two rare days when you feel normal, you should seek help or at least talk about all the darkness you’re feeling. Sometimes it can even be something you though you’ve let go of but the feelings surrounding that particular thing haven’t been addressed.

Sometimes it’s something that makes you feel bad. Like social media platforms that make you look at yourself as less than. Or something at work that keeps happening and you’re not telling anyone. Family members that are not on your side about a decision or even a person that you are trying to change (first of all, you can’t change anyone) – you need to let go, accept or change your view about it. We are transformed by the power of our minds, after all.

Be nice to one another!

Thank you for reading!

Changing your reality

Hi everyone!

September is basically birthday month for ALL my friends. Seeing that we’re so far away from each other this year I decided to dig up some old videos and photos from varsity and share it on our Whatsapp group. LOL! They freaked out so much. And we just laughed because we really did have good times.

It also made me realize how much time has gone by. Next week is our 8^th annual family reunion and this is my 3^rd year in the working world. I feel like going into an emotional fit because exactly 3 years ago I told my family that Auditing & Accounting is not a good career for me. I remember them being really tense about it. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make because I had just finished up my 5^th year at university that time but I remember being so relieved that I came to that conclusion.

You guys know the story but fast forward to 3 years later, I’ve never felt this depressed in my life. My blog became a place where I shared all the frustrations and a quick fix guide to ‘getting it together’. To be quite honest that really helped me because I would be completely depressed if I didn’t have an outlet for all the negativity. I also feel like I’ve had the most breakdowns than I’ve ever had in my life. Surviving them, only to be brought back into the same situation is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

A few days ago my friend called me in the morning and asked me what I was up to and if I’m alright. At this point in my life – I truly hate that question. The answer is no and please don’t ask me why because the answer is the same. It also brought up the topic of good days and bad days. I’m never okay but I have a job and bills therefore I can’t lie in bed and not get out. When I tried doing that legally, I got a written warning because we’re short staffed and we have a lot of work. So then I don’t have a choice. It’s either I quit or continue to do a job I despise.

Right now all the stress eating and a lack of self-care is showing. I feel so heavy and tired all the time. I never wear make-up to work because I always need to ‘make it’ through the day rather than have a normal work day. I spend my weekend indoors because I’m avoiding to much contact because people who want to catch up have actual stories while I’m still unhappy about my life. These days I’m unhappy with myself.  I’m ruining me. I no longer invest in myself.

Days can go by without me actually knowing what’s happening. I always have deadline upon deadline and the job is getting harder and harder. Worst part is that I need to be fully awake. There are so many changes in my career and I always need to know how it affects my client. And I really couldn’t care less. This makes my contribution worthless. It also makes me the weakest link because the public relies on the work I do and the fact that I never thought about it in that till now absolutely scares and depresses me even more.

Here’s the point (because I can’t stop talking about this): No matter how positive you try to be, you can’t cover unhappiness. You can push a boulder up the mountain but it will only get there if the motive is beneficial for you/result will work in your favour. If not, then the boulder will, if not immediately, eventually crush you. And that’s my life. Mornings are the hardest. I have a second when I have to ponder if my job is worth it. I have to think about all the wrong decisions taken that lead me to this point. And I wouldn’t wish that even on the worst person on this earth.

It’s why it’s important to always revisit the questions: What is my purpose on this Earth? What am I doing? And who am I doing it for? Walking away might not be in the cards but it’s always so important to use all your available time to keep telling yourself that you have purpose and that you are deserving of a way out and that you will not always be drowning in your own sorrow.

Change your free time. Make sure that you don’t spend it crying about what you hate doing!! See if that works!!

xx

How to ease up your guilty conscious

Hi everyone!

I have a little bit of a writer’s block because I have an insane amount of stress (& heartburn) at the moment which is really good for lifestyle posts because then I have an urgent need to talk about it. I have no idea how I’m going to spend my time this weekend because I also have to go home (3 hours away) because I’ve been summoned to take measurements for my cousin’s upcoming wedding at the end of April. Solution would be to send the measurements right? Try telling my mom that.

So with all the political madness going on it has become even more important to build your own world because you can’t let the national negativity get you down. Neither should you allow  the international depression (Trump is still there. What is happening in Syria?)to trump your spirits. It’s very hard for us (let’s say educated black people) to move back home to minimize fixed costs and to try different jobs seeing that there’s already such a huge unemployment rate in our city and overall country. So sometimes you are stuck in your job.

This year I was supposed to add an academic element in my last year of articles but in order to set myself free I did not register for it and I did not notify my boss. You can imagine what a huge violation that is. I did not resign because I can’t move back home and start over. Thank you, Black Tax. And it was difficult to even get a job I’m over-qualified for. I still don’t know how that’s possible. So I effectively decided to just finish the year and add my completed articles to my CV. Sometimes I want to put it there as ‘3 years of intense slavery’.

So for the first month or so I was riddled with guilt because I have long asked him to be transparent because he’s always late and tells you about a meeting with a client 10 minutes before and expects you to know everything about it by the time you reach their offices. Even after that has been addressed with him, it seemed like he sees lateness and non-transparency as a lux lifestyle so I’ve decided to accept it that about him. Guess where I got my training from? I guess Daddy trained me well.

So how can you stop feeling guilt over something you did but did it for the right reason?

1.       Ask yourself if you could have done it any other way

2.       Ask yourself if this option lets you sleep better at night

3.       Ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences

4.       Ask yourself if this decision, other than the guilt, makes you happy

5.       Ask yourself if it will bring out new change

Last year I was severely depressed. I used to take sick days multiple times of the year because I did not have the strength to get up to go to work. It’s when I first discovered that your job can actually make you sick. So how did I apply the above?

I could have told my boss but he would have convinced me to register, backed up by legislation requirements (aka legislation threats). He would have also made work hostile because I wanted to ‘retaliate’. So there was no other way. Since making a new path I’ve become more excited about my evenings and weekends because I get to learn something new. I could get fired or my salary could get affected (consequences). Other than the temporary guilt I have been feeling much happier this year. It was hard at first but I’m definitely becoming more care free and happy. I’ve totally embraced the new change! It’s still a bit hard but it’s happy hard. Time management is still a bit of a problem and I’ve had to get used to writing again (for my assignments) so it’s a work in progress.

So you can see how the combination of addressing these questions was able to ease up a bit of the guilt. And it’s also a plus if the corresponding person makes it easy by being an uncontrollably inconsiderate person!

Put yourself first! Be brave!!

xx

10 things that WASTE your TIME!

Hi everyone!

Recently I had to face the fact that I have 24 hours just like everyone else but it just seems like I have less time at the end of the day. It made me feel ineffective and so depressed because I have all these plans but my time management skills are not on par with my plans and dreams.

So sometimes it helps to account for all the time available to you. To make an example I’ll use my Mondays.

As you can see, work takes up the majority of my time. And I always try to get about 7 hours of sleep because I’m miserable with less!! Been trying to cut down to 6 because of my studies but it just hasn’t happened. Plus I’ve also been trying to sleep without having the TV on. Which has been a long process but it’s finally happening!

So a few things could be wasting that 3.5 hours of free time you have in that precious 24 hour cycle.

1.       Watching repeating shows. Look Friends has been on the airways for like what...a 100 years? But we keep on watching The One Chandler marries Monica over and over again. They already made money on that episode that first or second time you watched it!!

2.       Taking a nap when you’re not sleepy. Maybe it’s because I’ve never mastered a nap but taking a nap that will not amount to anything is so frustrating! Most times I end up waking up and doing what I was doing before.

3.       Endless gossip. If you haven’t noticed, gossiping takes time and it’s the real juicy gossip that takes even more time. I’ve been accused a lot about being an impatient gossip listener but I just can’t spend hours listening to that. Just tell me the piece at the end where my jaw drops.

4.       Wishing you could change something. I’m the biggest victim to this because it takes me a while to accept things for what they are and until recently loved ones for who they are. I just grew up in my own world because I was an extreme introvert for most of my life. So accepting a situation promotes a realistic opportunity to come up with real solutions so that your life can move on.

5.       Social Media. Look we’re always on our phones…so that’s not the problem. The problem is when Study Time becomes Instagram time. And I’m a huge victim to this. I literally feel like I have a serious case of FOMO! These days I just give someone my phone until I can get this under control!!

6.       Looking for something to wear. This takes soooo much time in the morning!! One of the reasons why I’m always late! On the mornings when I picked out something the night before I find that I’m on time and less frustrated!

7.       Trolling Youtubers and bloggers. Think about that 5- 10 minutes you wasted trying to break a person’s spirit. You could have used it to build up yours seeing that your powers to break it comes from you! Ever since I started blogging I eventually started seeing that it’s just better to unfollow rather than spend all your time not liking someone’s content! Find someone else you like and uplift them!

8.       Internal Turmoil. I used to suffer from this FOR YEARS. Up to the point where I’ll have a serious case of heartburn! I never want to hurt people but sometimes people just force the worse out of you. Even though at the time you were standing up for yourself you later on spend hours thinking about what you said to them. If you’re wrong – apologize. If not – then accept what you said and move on!!

9.       Bad Friends. We’ve all had that friend that does nothing in return for you!! All they do is take/receive and all you do is give - up until one day you have nothing to show for it!! You will see it on the day when you need them the most – they will typically not drop everything for you even if you’ve shifted your universe for something less urgent for them. Realize that it’s time to walk away.

10.   Not cleaning after yourself.  If you make a mess, don’t you realize that future time needs to be used to clean it up? When I’m not feeling well, you can tell by my room. I sometimes say that the state it is in, represent how I feel. But when I wake up and I’m blessed with a new day I have to use time out of that day to clean up yesterday’s mess!!! What a waste of time!!

11.   EXTRA ONE – Do not spend time worrying about tomorrow. That is such a waste of time. Instead spend your time planning and always leave room to be surprised and blessed! And also be prepared to deal with challenges in a positive manner!!

Hope this helps!!

xx

5 things Preventing you from Starting 2016

Hi everyone!

I feel like I woke up in 2016 and went straight to work. I know a lot of people who only start next week and the week after that even in our own building as I walk up to my office every day before 8. So yesterday when I was watching Happily Never After I just decided to switch off the TV and go clean my room and after half of it was packed away I realized that I haven’t stepped into this awesome New Year.

Here are my observations in my life and I think that if you have the same we might be in the same boat.

1.       I don’t have a 2016 calendar or diary.

That was like the first obvious thing. Normally I create my own calendar because I want it to fit in with my room decor. I normally don’t use a diary but this year has a lot of things going on so scheduling will be a huge part of my life. So not having one indicates that I have not been adapting to a new schedule or new planning.

2.       I haven’t started running

I do not identify with new years resolutions so when my jeans started not fitting me anymore I decided to start running just before Christmas and then into the new year and I still haven’t started. Worst part is that my running gear has been set aside but every day when my alarm goes off, my only basic instinct to switch it off without guilt or feeling like I ruined my plans.

3.       My sleeping routine is off track

In order to adjust back to my work routine I need to be in bed by 9 and asleep atleast by 10. I haven’t been able to do that even when I was tired on Monday night. That’s a huge concern because it does sort of determine if I’ll make it through working hours the next day – learnt that all through last year!!

4.       I don’t have social plans.

That doesn’t worry me as much, but it is indicating that I don’t have something to look forward to. So this is not the same as not having social events to go to but more of that they are there but I’m trying to get out of them so that I’m not with people. I’ve been isolating myself a lot lately and I'm really worried about it and it is also indicative of not having started the New Year off right.

5.       Adapting

This is very vague but affects so many things that sort of doesn’t bother you that much - before you really think about it. For example I haven’t adapted that I’m now a second year in training at work. So our training contracts are 3 years long and just yesterday someone said: “Can you believe there’s 24 months left?” And that really took the wind out of my tummy because I didn’t realize it till she mentioned it. For me this week was another week at the office. Or when my other friend told me that there are 10 weeks left before our first test for the course we enrolled for this year. And not a single thought as entered my mind about that course that I’ll be paying for. It started to feel more like I'm sleepwalking and haven't really stepped into this awesome new year.

Actually now as I’m writing this it’s helping me identify my own issues and things that I need to work on which is why I love my blog so much. I think internalizing it was also starting to give me a headache but now that it is out I can start working on it and so can you!!

Am I the only one that feels this way?

Love,