How to handle a strained relationship with siblings

Hi everyone

Writing about something quite personal today but not talking about it isn’t helping so hopefully after this post I can finally let it go and I encourage you to do the same if you can relate to it. These days I try not to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians anymore because time is of the essence and I have to spend it building my future. And I promised myself that I wouldn’t watch repeats/marathons anymore. I will never get that time back!

So in developing my time management a bit I found that I’m always stressed about my siblings. This is the part that I hate about being first born. Your life never belongs to you. It’s nice if you and your siblings get along. I’ve always wanted that. But it’s not what I’ve been given so I need to adapt to it.

Several things can cause siblings to not get along. Most common things are comparisons (especially amongst twins or if there’s a black sheep and a ‘Your Majesty’ or if the last born gets all the attention or if there’s an academic and a creative). Some people struggle with more serious things like issues in mixed families (in terms of parents who re-marry) and people who grew up with struggles with deceases or disabilities or even drug use.

I was hoping to only cater for my situation in this post but as I’m opening up about I’m realizing that people struggle each day with any of the above mentioned things and I just fit into one (misplaced dependence). But I’m hoping that what I’ll be implementing to make effective changes in my life will also help you.

1.       Everyone is a breaking point

I think we all want to help because no-one wants to see their family struggle or not have anything. But sooner or later you’ll realize that you are reaching or you’ve reached a point where you have nothing else to give and because you’ve always given, that family member feels a sense of entitlement to your possessions or earnings. It’s a hard thing to stop but if you go into debt trying to take care of a person who is capable (therefore not disabled to the point where they can’t take care of themselves) then you have to realize that a line should’ve been drawn when there was still time.

2.       You are not their parent

It’s not enough to just think it. You have to say it to them. So that they realize that you did not give birth to them and therefore you do not need to maintain them. It sounds harsh right? But at this moment my father (who is my brother’s parent) said to him that he will never give him another red cent until he starts to take money seriously. But now I have to replace that source of income? NO!! When they call you needing something, say to him/her: “Ask your mom/dad.” It’s simple. If they care about you at all they will realize at this point that you can no longer take care of them.

3.       Be able to predict

I know this sounds awful but before he pens anything on any piece of paper he will start with the date when I get paid so that before the sun even comes up there’s an emergency sounding text on phone. Like clockwork, before you can even take out your tithe you’ll hear the knock on the door. Usually this is after they spent ALL of their income on things that only have their name written on it (or their luxuries). And you're stuck covering their necessities!! But that’s not enough. They have to get a piece of yours. Without even noticing they become a fixed cost – like rent and electricity.

4.       Get a friend

If you are unable to say NO (me) then put controls in place so that when you’re overthrown you can have a voice of reason. (I’m giving this a test run…we’ll see if it works).

5.       Control Communication

This is also another big issue because I’m big on communication. So not talking to my brother has caused me a great deal of stress but I hate myself if I enable him because then I’m not teaching him to value me and to value my hard work. You know, when we were young and my mom would give us each halves of a Bar-One, he would devour his piece only to have more of mine. It seemed insignificant then but now it’s exactly the same. So it’s important to bend the tree while you’re still able to do so.

I just find myself exhaling properly for the first time this week which indicates to me that not only did writing this make me feel better but it also helped to feel unburdened which is also the point of my blog.  Also see Heart vs Mind. to help you follow through on decisions you make!

Let me know below if you no longer feel helpless!

xx

How to make your Mind convince your Heart

Hi everyone!

It’s been forever and come to think of it I’m starting to see myself as a writer because if I spend a lot of time not writing I start to feel a bit …clogged (lack of a better word). In the past few weeks a lot has happen and yesterday I basically wrote 5 different tests from 8 to 5 and I’ve never felt so tired in my life. I even struggled to sleep. And sleeping was all I could think about while I was writing!

When I feel stressed I become an extreme insomniac but when I stop caring about something I sleep like a baby. And that feeling really comes from a decision. Sometimes it can be a feeling to give up or a feeling of perseverance. Whatever it is I believe that it formed in your mind and somehow your mind convinced your heart and you were just went along with that feeling.

It’s difficult to make a decision when your mind and heart are not in the same place. I know that it typically has to do with love – like when you know that you’re being neglected but you continue giving love and not getting it back (in any type of way) or when you’re unhappy at work (I can testify to that) and you can’t afford to be at home full time or pursue a hobby or when are at a place you’re tired of but don’t want to leave your current friends because it terrifies you to be alone.

All of these things can be fixed provided you decide to draw some sort of line and decide which of that line you want to be. Yes, it will be hard. Yes, you’ll be tempted to go back. Yes, you’ll cry yourself to sleep. But these are all symptoms of grieving that we must all go through in order to turn a new leaf.

Here’s how your mind can convince your heart

Make a decision. Nothing can happen without a decision being made. You are an adult and you determine where you want to be in life. If it’s not possible for you to leave, put together a timeline plan where you will have enough resources to make effective changes to your life.

It’s okay to feel alone. Some people are terrified of being alone, but trust me, you are alone if the person you pump effort into can’t do the same for you. In this alone time, take time to work on yourself, build up your confidence and set new goals.

People Reminders. You know in a small town where I stay people always want to remind me of who I was in high school! O M W it’s been 6 years!! Let’s move on FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!! It’s why I’ve just been avoiding people from high school. It’s not worth it. I do not want to know where everyone is or who they ended up marrying. You must choose to into a new chapter in your life.

Cut Communication. This is hard but it needs to be done. My friend (broke up with his girlfriend because she cheated on him) said that he just wants someone to check in on him and ask how he’s doing. And I understand that feeling. But what’s the point if it’s the person who stepped on your heart. You’ll just never move on. Same with friends who just want to talk about themselves and what’s going on in their lives.

Fuel your ambition. Sometimes we can be so scared to chase our dreams. We’re so comfortable staying in our little boxes. And we can be our own biggest critics. Your mind wants better and your heart is telling you all about the potential problems and the possibilities of failure. You need to reach that point where you literally tell yourself (mind to heart) that it is possible, taking into account all the risks and knowing in your heart that when this step is taken you will not only exist – YOU WILL LIVE!

Do you constantly also have this battle? Is yours reversed? Do you need your heart to convince your mind?

xx

Lace Dust

Hi everyone!

Normally I shy away from any brownish colour unless it's a gorgeous nude shade but when I saw this dress I just couldn't leave it. This year I decided to be a Valentine's Day rebel and did not touch any red, pink and white and this choice was totally bad cat for me! Which I just luurve!!

This year I just went out for a cute little burger at Rocco Mamas which is quite well known but they recently opened one here in Nelspruit because we're literally the last people in South Africa to get ANYTHING! I think I'm just born to wear strappy heels and I realize that every time I wear these ones. They are super comfortable and I think my legs just look longer in strappies! Do you agree?

Dress - MrPrice

Shoes - Luella (old)

Let me know what you guys think?!

Thanks for stopping by!!

Crisis Control

Hi everyone!!

Guys, I’ve been having the biggest writer’s block everrrrr!! All I can think about is how I constantly need to be studying which would basically be adapting to what my life should be right now. I don’t know how working single moms can also study part-time. I really have the biggest respect for them now.

Anyway so today I thought we could talk about how to handle chaos which is the definition of my world right now. I sometimes wish that I had a routine job because my job requires me to be quite flexible because I work with different clients with different needs. So I can plan all I want but on most days I have prioritize which fire to blow out first.

So on days of chaos I also have slightly severe self-confidence issues as well. Like I feel bad if my hair isn’t awesome or if I didn’t have enough time to apply a layer of foundation or most importantly concealer! Or if my lips don’t have some Vaseline! I feel sick and definitely look sick. So those issues can add to how you handle challenges coming your way.

So when that happens I try to fix atleast one thing in each of the following life spheres:

1.       Spiritual Well being

This is more than religion or how you spend your Sundays/Saturdays. It’s how about inner cleansing. Releasing things you cannot change and accepting new changes in your life. Find inner peace and using that to face your daily struggles. Sometime you find that you’re holding a grudge or someone disappointed you in some way and you keep dragging that along.

2.       Outer Appearance

This might be different to each of us but for me I find that I feel quite okay if I have even toned skin, my bags are packed with some concealer, my brows are filled and I have one layer of mascara. My outfit is comfortable (because I’m seated all day) and I’m wearing comfy (preferable strappy shoes).  Usually on those days I can basically be Olivia Pope.

3.       Work Stress

I can actually put those two words together because some of us don’t have jobs that make us happy yet. I’m just so glad my body has gotten used to the routine and I no longer feel like I’m waking up under a rock. Sometimes when you stop fighting something it actually gives you space. So this year I’ve learnt to embrace every challenge and really apply my mind because you don’t know if you need those particular skills for what you’re meant to do in future.

4.       Emotional Intelligence

It’s so essential for your emotional state to be in check when you’re going through a crisis because if that is also a factor it could be origin of all your stress/chaos/crisis. It’s very important to try and address the original feeling that got hurt. We spend so much time thinking how we would get back at a person that when the question is finally being asked you just cry about everything. Sometimes it can just be neglect but you confuse it with what he did last week that also pissed you off but wasn’t a deal breaker.  Emotional honesty is so key.

5.       Physical Needs

Instagram is poisoning us with beautifully sculpted bodies and quick ways to achieve them but you just can’t get up on Monday to run around the block. I actually set up an alarm to go running in the mornings and I snoozed it for a whole month up until one day I convinced myself to just start speed walking in the mornings and there I was walking after a whole month of not being able to get out of bed. It’s also important to change your diet. Exercises doesn’t equal eat whatever I want. Keep your body healthy. Sometimes, for control, I would imagine what the combination of my food looks like all mixed up in body with little flies around it. It's disgusting but it works!! Try it!

Try small and you’ll be able to handle the bigger stuff with time!

Love

xx