Why 2019 needs to be different

Hi Everyone!

I hope everyone is doing well. It has taken so much courage to write this post today. I had reserved all of December 2018 for blogging and videos and ended up doing neither. I did, however, film and upload some vlogmas content but it’s so far the least watched videos on my channel, so that was a bust. So thinking of blogging again became a distant memory and I just carried on lazying around the house until work started in 2019.

In a way, I’m disappointed in myself for ‘wasting’ all that time but on the other hand, I got to spend some real quality time with my family and nothing is better than that. Since 2019 started I’ve been seeing a lot of people really seeing value in themselves and hustling more than ever. I think 2018’s anxiety & depression scare really made people wake up and realise that they’ve only got one life and they need to make the best of it.

Personally, I’ve had my own ‘wake up’ as well. Last year, I was riddled with guilt for turning back on a career that I’ve spent 8 years of my life on. I was mad at myself that I didn’t value myself enough while I was there which resulted in my assessments not being dealt with accordingly and I also blamed myself and regretted that I didn’t get out sooner. These days all I do is forgive myself for this daily.

I completely let go of my physical value last year. I was eating A LOT of friend chicken, lots of soda, lots of wine which ended up being lots of cocktails. I never exercised. Then a time came where I just threw clothes on, not a care in the world on what I looked like or how I was being perceived. I now have a lot of cellulite on my thighs and I can’t get away with wearing short dresses (for now). Even though I haven’t made plans yet, I feel like my mind has now come around to accepting that I can do exercises at home.

Work is better this year because half my workload was given to someone else. This now gives me more time to be present. Last year, I had to run to each and every class and I was only half prepared for each of them. I intend to use my new free space to be the most prepared teacher to my students because I want them to learn as much as possible and to have good, prepared fun! LOL!

I think 2019 has to be different for a lot of us because we’ve tried a whole bunch of things that completely failed. Whether it’s a youtube channel, a blog, an Instagram page, an online business, a podcast, a brand deal or a collaboration. But, we keep going because time waits for no man. And we can’t all be successful in everything we do. Even people we look up to know had a lot of failed ventures before becoming what they are. Sometimes it takes expanding, demolishing, rebranding or other techniques for an idea to work and become a business.

What I’ve seen is that people are tired of letting one failure define them.

Be that person. Try again.

Start writing again, filming again, making those phone calls again, recruiting again or come up with a new idea! Either way, let’s get up and go!

With love,

{2018 Edit} Why South Africa is suddenly depressed?

Hi everyone!

I hope you’ve all been well.

Lately, I’ve found myself caught in these discussion about the rise of depression cases in South Africa. Now, more so because of the death of HHP. He’s one of the most loved hip-hop artists in South Africa and some current rappers say that he’s been their biggest inspiration – kind of like the godfather of hip-hip and rap in South Africa. In my house, he’s won over my mother’s heart because she always used to go on about how there’s a lot of Setswana humor in his music.

Right after his death, there was a lot of speculation about the cause of his death and now it’s been alleged that he suffered from depression and may have taken his own life. Whether it’s true or not, I think it definitely sparked a mental health talk and I’m actually a little disappointed about certain views we have a country.

Some people completely understand. I think it’s because it’s suddenly okay to talk about it because you or other family members have been secretly battling this issue. And now, it’s like a #MeToo moment. I can personally relate – not just for myself but also my mother. Early this year my mom was hospitalized for what seemed to be a throat issue and ended up to be full blown anxiety/panic attacks. So everytime she would be extremely angry (which happened more times that we realised) she would feel like her heart is literally about to explode. We’d see it on the outside like a rapid heartbeat motion on her neck and she would literally collapse into a sitting position and try to breathe slowly until it passed.

After the diagnosis we got her some natural stress relief medication and recommended some breathing exercises and it has only happened a few times since then. We’ve also been working on addressing her anger. She gets quickly disappointed in people because she has severe control issues that she accepted as normal only because I still do what she says but she needed to know that the world doesn’t owe her anything and that she needed to live for herself. She also needed to learn not to think for other people if she’s not willing to accept that not everyone thinks like her. She’s also had to learn to not always carry the past with her (hardest thing ever, FYI).

So from all of this drama, I’ve also gone through major changes myself. Not only did I change jobs, but I also changed my profession. And it’s been really hard starting from the bottom. I think when I switched over, I was really important to stay focused. I couldn’t always wish to go back to my safety zone that almost killed me. I had to keep going. So I completely drenched myself in my new work and a few weeks ago, I started having severe anxiety. Not so much from regret, but I think reality started kicking in. The high of the switch was wearing off. And I was feeling overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.

It started with mild crying outburst, then wine would help sometimes, then I completely went off into the dark but always just staying conscious to go to work and when I would get home I wold go straight to bed. It kind of feels like this is the time my mother wanted to talk the most. My friends felt neglected, which is funny because I could not talk to any of them about this because (a) we’d go right back to their problems and (b) they don’t believe in having anxiety and being depressed because they believe it be a lack of faith.

So I kept it inside. I have to, because I can’t convince others of a thing they don’t believe in. All I can do is seek treatment and find a healthy outlet.

It’s very hard to find one that works, believe me!! Recently when I felt overwhelmed, I just sat on my carpet and did an inhale and exhale exercise. It was painful. I couldn’t breathe past my throat the whole day that day and all I wanted to do, was to feel the air travel to my lungs and out again. Simple right? But it felt like a mammoth task and when I eventually could, I just wept.

Is anxiety and depression real? YES. Should it bother you that nobody believes you? HECK NAAAA. On that one or two rare days when you feel normal, you should seek help or at least talk about all the darkness you’re feeling. Sometimes it can even be something you though you’ve let go of but the feelings surrounding that particular thing haven’t been addressed.

Sometimes it’s something that makes you feel bad. Like social media platforms that make you look at yourself as less than. Or something at work that keeps happening and you’re not telling anyone. Family members that are not on your side about a decision or even a person that you are trying to change (first of all, you can’t change anyone) – you need to let go, accept or change your view about it. We are transformed by the power of our minds, after all.

Be nice to one another!

Thank you for reading!