Hi everyone!
I hope you’ve all been well.
Lately, I’ve found myself caught in these discussion about
the rise of depression cases in South Africa. Now, more so because of the death
of HHP. He’s one of the most loved hip-hop artists in South Africa and some
current rappers say that he’s been their biggest inspiration – kind of like the
godfather of hip-hip and rap in South Africa. In my house, he’s won over my
mother’s heart because she always used to go on about how there’s a lot of
Setswana humor in his music.
Right after his death, there was a lot of speculation about
the cause of his death and now it’s been alleged that he suffered from
depression and may have taken his own life. Whether it’s true or not, I think
it definitely sparked a mental health talk and I’m actually a little
disappointed about certain views we have a country.
Some people completely understand. I think it’s because it’s
suddenly okay to talk about it because you or other family members have been
secretly battling this issue. And now, it’s like a #MeToo moment. I can
personally relate – not just for myself but also my mother. Early this year my
mom was hospitalized for what seemed to be a throat issue and ended up to be
full blown anxiety/panic attacks. So everytime she would be extremely angry
(which happened more times that we realised) she would feel like her heart is
literally about to explode. We’d see it on the outside like a rapid heartbeat
motion on her neck and she would literally collapse into a sitting position and
try to breathe slowly until it passed.
After the diagnosis we got her some natural stress relief
medication and recommended some breathing exercises and it has only happened a
few times since then. We’ve also been working on addressing her anger. She gets
quickly disappointed in people because she has severe control issues that she
accepted as normal only because I still do what she says but she needed to know
that the world doesn’t owe her anything and that she needed to live for
herself. She also needed to learn not to think for other people if she’s not willing
to accept that not everyone thinks like her. She’s also had to learn to not
always carry the past with her (hardest thing ever, FYI).
So from all of this drama, I’ve also gone through major
changes myself. Not only did I change jobs, but I also changed my profession.
And it’s been really hard starting from the bottom. I think when I switched
over, I was really important to stay focused. I couldn’t always wish to go back
to my safety zone that almost killed me. I had to keep going. So I completely drenched
myself in my new work and a few weeks ago, I started having severe anxiety. Not
so much from regret, but I think reality started kicking in. The high of the
switch was wearing off. And I was feeling overwhelmed ALL THE TIME.
It started with mild crying outburst, then wine would help
sometimes, then I completely went off into the dark but always just staying
conscious to go to work and when I would get home I wold go straight to bed. It
kind of feels like this is the time my mother wanted to talk the most. My
friends felt neglected, which is funny because I could not talk to any of them
about this because (a) we’d go right back to their problems and (b) they don’t
believe in having anxiety and being depressed because they believe it be a lack
of faith.
So I kept it inside. I have to, because I can’t convince
others of a thing they don’t believe in. All I can do is seek treatment and
find a healthy outlet.
It’s very hard to find one that works, believe me!! Recently
when I felt overwhelmed, I just sat on my carpet and did an inhale and exhale
exercise. It was painful. I couldn’t breathe past my throat the whole day that
day and all I wanted to do, was to feel the air travel to my lungs and out
again. Simple right? But it felt like a mammoth task and when I eventually
could, I just wept.
Is anxiety and depression real? YES. Should it bother you
that nobody believes you? HECK NAAAA. On that one or two rare days when you
feel normal, you should seek help or at least talk about all the darkness
you’re feeling. Sometimes it can even be something you though you’ve let go of
but the feelings surrounding that particular thing haven’t been addressed.
Sometimes it’s something that makes you feel bad. Like
social media platforms that make you look at yourself as less than. Or
something at work that keeps happening and you’re not telling anyone. Family
members that are not on your side about a decision or even a person that you
are trying to change (first of all, you can’t change anyone) – you need to let
go, accept or change your view about it. We are transformed by the power of our
minds, after all.
Be nice to one another!
Thank you for reading!
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