Wednesday, 30 August 2017

Monday, 28 August 2017

How to Keep Going!!

Hi everyone!

When the year started I had some specific goals. I create them based on being optimistic. Based on the state of mind that the sheet is clean and I can use my imagination to its fullest extent. I normally don’t spend New Year’s with my family because I spend that time reflecting on the year, thinking about what I could have done differently, all the blessings gained and lessons learned. I also think a lot about where I didn’t value myself like I should have and then based on that decide what I need to cut out of my life.

This year everything started out really bad but I was determined to make it work despite the steep way up I was facing just to get to an equilibrium. This year I really wanted to focus on my blog and channel and also spend more time with my friends before all the wedding and baby season starts. I managed to keep up with some friends but not the ones living far away and my blog and channel have been on a standstill.

Somewhere around February my phone just stopped working which made my Instagram feed die and we all know it’s pointless to keep the blog up without being able to share it on social media. I only got a new phone last week and now I have no material and it’s winter here which means that the only daylight I get is on Saturday where I normally sleep in and let the sunrise wake me.

If I could tell you all the other things, you would really think that I’m caught in a ring with 6 punchy Mike Tysons beating me up when all I tried to do was get an autograph. I’m only not telling you because I don’t want to give it power. That’s actually what motivated me to write about it. I’ve become so bottled up and distracted by other people that I haven’t been focused on my needs and where I was lacking. Distractions are good but not to the point where you wake up Monday and go to sleep on a Saturday night. That’s what happened to me in April and May. I barely remember it.

It’s hard to be in state of survival but it can make you stronger and help you to differentiate between significant and insignificant.  I care about everything. I’m like a mental hoarder so you can imagine how hard this process has been for me, but there’s nothing like extreme cases of incidents that have happened that has really helped me to put things more into perspective.

Today, I’m sharing 5 key things that helped and can help you:

A small prayer. During this time it’s very easy to be convinced that God is not on your side. Especially when a bad thing happens ON TOP of SEVERAL bad things that were already too hard for you to deal with. I’m always comforted when I say: Lord, I know that You are working behind the scenes for my good/favour. Or that the path before me has already been paved and blessed.
Roll out of bed. During this time it was hard for me to be a morning person. So every day I would roll out and be awake only after I’ve bathed. Atleast through this, I will go to work rather than call in sick which I used to do quite a lot last year.
Focus on your immediate deadline. This will help your mind create a narrow vision and help you forget all the things you can’t control. The only con is that you will not be able to focus on your passions because your mind is only on work.
Take walks with anyone. Staying indoors made the room feel smaller. So whenever someone would visit I’d make them take walks with me so that I can let the tension escape in the air.
Drink wine. I’m the last person to suggest this but during this time I had a hard time sleeping. When I was in school I used to have sleeping tablets but I did not want to use those anymore so on Fridays I would have some popcorn and wine and have a really good night’s rest. During the week I would just pass out because of the late hours and ridiculous amount of work so it really helped on those early nights!

Everybody has different challenges but one thing we have in common is 24 hours and limited resources that we have to use wisely in order for us to make it!

You can make it!


Wednesday, 16 August 2017

Passing Feelings

Hi everyone!

The past two days have definitely been trying times days.  I’m mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I try to put myself back together in some hours but it’s short-lived because I’m carrying so much and limited in so many areas.  It really takes a lot for me to try and not notice what’s going on but it kills me to do that as I’ve always thought of myself as a person that really lives and not just exists.

So on what happened. Yesterday two of my new colleagues told me that I speak in a disrespectful manner to the Director. Naturally, I tried to explain to them that I’ve been talking that casual to him ever since I started there and he’s never told me that I was out of line (well, except one time when I was upset that the client we were assisting were awful to us and he basically said that I needed to take that back and just eat it up). Their way of speaking to him is basically to avoid all humor and nod and smile. I don’t do that with anyone. I would not even know how to do that!

So I called my friend and because she knows me she understood where I was coming from and basically told me not to change to fit into someone’s definition of being respectful. My mom said the same thing. Mom also asked me to ask them to demonstrate what that 'respectful behavior' would look like. Lol! I also spoke to this other friend who was going through a hard time trying to find another job. Ended up spending the entire night motivating her to keep trying, so by the time I slept I felt better about what happened.

Then literally the next day I’m faced with other office drama that basically crippled my day after my lunch order wasn’t processed, after I spent a whole hour waiting for it. It even got to a point where I felt like I needed to resign. I have no idea why I’m so emotionally sensitive and it just feels like hard work to make each day work. The past weekend could also be playing a role as I tried to do a lot of things over two days and I could just be exhausted.

Point is that I’m writing this post after realizing how emotionally drained we can become of something that momentarily affects you. I never thought I could get over a bad mark in high school or an embarrassing event at university and right now it feels like what happened today will affect the rest of my life. But in a few months (or even tomorrow) it will be nothing more than something that happened that has nothing to do with me as a person.

I used to get severe heartburn when something like this would happen. I wouldn’t be able to function on anything else and I would spend hours replaying it. It’s currently happening now and I want more than anything to be in control of my mind and just make it stop. And sometimes it takes you saying: ‘I will not let this consume me’ and actually going as far as doing something productive in the time you would have wasted going around in circles about it.

I actually (and finally) downloaded my study material in order to get started with my assignments due on Monday and when that went slowly I decided to write this post and I’m going to try and study again after completing it. Not because I’m strong or persistent, but because I need to keep growing and keep evolving and I need to keep in mind that life is long. What would I look like if I became consumed with other people’s view of me all the time or how they feel about me.  If you live the best life possible, without having to step on someone else to achieve that, there’s nothing stopping you from being you!

Never waste time!

Love you!

Thursday, 3 August 2017

Down but Not Out

Hi everyone!

I’ve been in such a spiral since January started. 2017 truly feels like an uphill battle where all the victories are short-lived. It really feels like no matter what I do, the paw-paw keeps hitting the fan and at this point it’s kind of pointless to clean up the mess. Currently I’m on leave for about 8 days that I desperately needed and I’ve spent about 5 of those days just going through the motions and properly addressing my feelings.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I actually went awol because our firm is just so unfair in terms of how they treat us and there’s basically nothing you can do about it. So when I feel overwhelmed I just disappear and go offline until I feel better.

I’ve been looking at how I’ve just completely gone off the radar on my blog and channel. Youtube, especially because I’ve been trying to get a better lens since last year and I haven’t been in a good space to buy it. I’ve also been having extremes – emotionally. Which affected my writing and filming because I just felt bad about myself and my life in general. On some days when the sun would shine again, I would just soak that in by taking a walk or going out with a friend I’ve neglected.

If you know me, you’d know that I don’t believe in mood swings. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to have any. When I started puberty my mom basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be sour just because I was going through a natural thing. My mom is pretty controlling so if you know her, this would sound perfectly normal, LOL! So during this time of intense stress it was just better for me to retreat rather than be unhappy in public.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog mainstream and ‘commerciable’. I like talking about different things and I did not want to make it one thing so I made my channel more lifestyle with my name on it but I realized during this time that I like being under an alias or a brand that will represent me so changing all the banners is truly daunting but needs to be done in order to ‘continue from here’. I no longer want to go under ‘ClosetFreedom’ because it’s one of those things where looking back was good, but now you’re like ‘what were you thinking?’!

I want something that can represent my soul and my beliefs. Currently I truly feel kind of damaged and under intense strain so that is affecting this process. I also want to factor in my love for communication and helping people to be more understanding and open. It’s probably the only thing I loved doing this year. I got my results from the first semester yesterday and it went well with 2 out of the 3 subjects, which made me realize that I need to work harder and learn to prioritize better.

I’m excited going into the second half of the year even though it’s already August but I truly can not live my life without hope. I have to believe that I’m being battered in order to be able to handle something worse than this, hopefully very far in the future because I could seriously use a break this year!

Can’t wait to share my thoughts and views with you guys for the rest of 2017!

Stay blessed!

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