What was 2017 though?

Hi everyone!

I feel like I kind of knew 2017 was going to suck before it started. Admitting that, is probably the saddest  thing to ever come out of me. I was looking toward a hard year and all I thought of was that the only thing I needed to do, was to survive. And it started going badly the first week already and I deeply depressed by the end of January.

I can barely remember each day. All that I can recall is waking up, doing my best to not crack down at work and getting home to my lover – Insomnia. After a while I started having a glass of wine more frequent than I can remember so that I can fall asleep and not be hooked on sleeping pills – again.

I definitely put my body through the most. I had a lot of takeaways and never planned my meals. I would eat after 10pm. I would never walk or do any form of exercise. I completely stopped caring about my appearance. I was completely dehydrated at one stage because I never drank water during the day or in the morning like I used to do.

My family also went through a lot of ups and downs and most days were about us all not cracking down and falling apart. We had to adjust to a lot. And accept not having certain things that we are used to. We definitely talked less, however I think that worked in our favour because we all knew what we were going through so we remind each other? We definitely spent more time apart because we could not afford to see each other as often.

I was dealing with first hand debt issues.  Don’t know how other people dealt with this as students! After I sold my car I had a lot of debt and I had to cut back on everything! I still am. On the other hand –work was such a nightmare. I just realized that I’m wasting my time and I’m always ill for no reason. Through this issue, I had to learn how to deal with anxiety. I have a huge fear of the unknown and it is horrible for me to always worry if tomorrow will be okay. If I will be able to persevere.  If I will endure.

I definitely tired a lot of things but one thing I realized that is that you can always wrap a problem up nicely but at the end of the day it’s still there. In most cases, I would actually be okay for a couple of days and then have a bad weekend. I hated being in conversations where people were discussing their future plans and things they were proud of. Which caused me to spend a lot of time on my own which basically added to the anxiety.

Through all of this I definitely grew stronger, It might not be academically or in work experience but definitely In my mental state.

And all my hope came from this one scripture I would always repeat::

Phil 4:6 – ‘Do not worry about anything, but instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for ALL that he has done’

It’s so easy to get lost in what you don’t have or what has not happened to you but never waste another second worrying about it. It will turn you into someone you can’t even recognize and that will just make your journey so much harder.

Join me on my channel where I will be having a conversation about this so that it can be more interactive! 

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Quality Time with Family

Hi everyone!

I’ve been feeling awesome lately! I’ve been so stoked to share my family reunion story this year! Last year was so awful because I was stuck in the Northern Cape during the time of our reunion last year! That really bummed me out! Seeing my family is the highlight of the year! So you can imagine how awful it was to not be with my crew for a whole year!

Earlier this year we went to our family wedding and it was amazing even though I wasn’t feeling fresh at the time! I had a really low self-esteem (still feel like that at times) and I was so confused about my life and my career. It still feels frustrating at times but I’ve just been having better days. Travelling there was a complete nightmare. My mom hates driving long distance so we always have to take a bus. The bus from Mozambique is always so crammed and disorganized therefore that leg of the trip is a freakin’ nightmare! But once we were headed to the Free State it was so much better. Mom and I even got into a fight about the family reunion that I’m (I’ll repeat I’M) in charge of for 2019!

How beautiful is this?

When we got there we basically had enough time to do catch ups and planning for the ceremony on Saturday. This year I was part of the organizing committee for the first time so there were a lot of things to do that I had no idea of! My aunt and cousin did such a good job and I was so blessed to have them in my team as they did the most of the heavy lifting. We normally put together a tent, organize music, get the food ready and keep the programme light and easy. Most of the time EVERYONE cries because we consist mostly out of women and we are sooooooo emotional!

Brother & Mom

Mom & her gorg sisters

Lovely hair decor!

Family Identity & wonderful gifts from my aunt! 

Basically this year I feel like we had a lot of healings. We all go through hard times. Like hard, hard times. And I think we’ll all agree that no matter what happens, time with family is time with family. We all walk away inspired. Or feeling a little better about our situation at home. Our health has improved so much over the years and I think it has a lot to do with being super happy. We just feed off of each other and we all come back the following year stronger and just further in life.

If there are obstacles stacked against a group of people to not meet up – it’s us. We are not financially stable, we don’t always get along & we don’t have enough resources to keep up with the world but we ALWAYS make it our priority to come together! So if there’s something to take away from this post is to always prioritize RELATIONSHIPS above anything! It’s the one thing nobody can buy and no-one can take away!

Lead with Love!

xx

Changing your reality

Hi everyone!

September is basically birthday month for ALL my friends. Seeing that we’re so far away from each other this year I decided to dig up some old videos and photos from varsity and share it on our Whatsapp group. LOL! They freaked out so much. And we just laughed because we really did have good times.

It also made me realize how much time has gone by. Next week is our 8^th annual family reunion and this is my 3^rd year in the working world. I feel like going into an emotional fit because exactly 3 years ago I told my family that Auditing & Accounting is not a good career for me. I remember them being really tense about it. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make because I had just finished up my 5^th year at university that time but I remember being so relieved that I came to that conclusion.

You guys know the story but fast forward to 3 years later, I’ve never felt this depressed in my life. My blog became a place where I shared all the frustrations and a quick fix guide to ‘getting it together’. To be quite honest that really helped me because I would be completely depressed if I didn’t have an outlet for all the negativity. I also feel like I’ve had the most breakdowns than I’ve ever had in my life. Surviving them, only to be brought back into the same situation is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

A few days ago my friend called me in the morning and asked me what I was up to and if I’m alright. At this point in my life – I truly hate that question. The answer is no and please don’t ask me why because the answer is the same. It also brought up the topic of good days and bad days. I’m never okay but I have a job and bills therefore I can’t lie in bed and not get out. When I tried doing that legally, I got a written warning because we’re short staffed and we have a lot of work. So then I don’t have a choice. It’s either I quit or continue to do a job I despise.

Right now all the stress eating and a lack of self-care is showing. I feel so heavy and tired all the time. I never wear make-up to work because I always need to ‘make it’ through the day rather than have a normal work day. I spend my weekend indoors because I’m avoiding to much contact because people who want to catch up have actual stories while I’m still unhappy about my life. These days I’m unhappy with myself.  I’m ruining me. I no longer invest in myself.

Days can go by without me actually knowing what’s happening. I always have deadline upon deadline and the job is getting harder and harder. Worst part is that I need to be fully awake. There are so many changes in my career and I always need to know how it affects my client. And I really couldn’t care less. This makes my contribution worthless. It also makes me the weakest link because the public relies on the work I do and the fact that I never thought about it in that till now absolutely scares and depresses me even more.

Here’s the point (because I can’t stop talking about this): No matter how positive you try to be, you can’t cover unhappiness. You can push a boulder up the mountain but it will only get there if the motive is beneficial for you/result will work in your favour. If not, then the boulder will, if not immediately, eventually crush you. And that’s my life. Mornings are the hardest. I have a second when I have to ponder if my job is worth it. I have to think about all the wrong decisions taken that lead me to this point. And I wouldn’t wish that even on the worst person on this earth.

It’s why it’s important to always revisit the questions: What is my purpose on this Earth? What am I doing? And who am I doing it for? Walking away might not be in the cards but it’s always so important to use all your available time to keep telling yourself that you have purpose and that you are deserving of a way out and that you will not always be drowning in your own sorrow.

Change your free time. Make sure that you don’t spend it crying about what you hate doing!! See if that works!!

xx

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How to Keep Going!!

Hi everyone!

When the year started I had some specific goals. I create them based on being optimistic. Based on the state of mind that the sheet is clean and I can use my imagination to its fullest extent. I normally don’t spend New Year’s with my family because I spend that time reflecting on the year, thinking about what I could have done differently, all the blessings gained and lessons learned. I also think a lot about where I didn’t value myself like I should have and then based on that decide what I need to cut out of my life.

This year everything started out really bad but I was determined to make it work despite the steep way up I was facing just to get to an equilibrium. This year I really wanted to focus on my blog and channel and also spend more time with my friends before all the wedding and baby season starts. I managed to keep up with some friends but not the ones living far away and my blog and channel have been on a standstill.

Somewhere around February my phone just stopped working which made my Instagram feed die and we all know it’s pointless to keep the blog up without being able to share it on social media. I only got a new phone last week and now I have no material and it’s winter here which means that the only daylight I get is on Saturday where I normally sleep in and let the sunrise wake me.

If I could tell you all the other things, you would really think that I’m caught in a ring with 6 punchy Mike Tysons beating me up when all I tried to do was get an autograph. I’m only not telling you because I don’t want to give it power. That’s actually what motivated me to write about it. I’ve become so bottled up and distracted by other people that I haven’t been focused on my needs and where I was lacking. Distractions are good but not to the point where you wake up Monday and go to sleep on a Saturday night. That’s what happened to me in April and May. I barely remember it.

It’s hard to be in state of survival but it can make you stronger and help you to differentiate between significant and insignificant.  I care about everything. I’m like a mental hoarder so you can imagine how hard this process has been for me, but there’s nothing like extreme cases of incidents that have happened that has really helped me to put things more into perspective.

Today, I’m sharing 5 key things that helped and can help you:

A small prayer. During this time it’s very easy to be convinced that God is not on your side. Especially when a bad thing happens ON TOP of SEVERAL bad things that were already too hard for you to deal with. I’m always comforted when I say: Lord, I know that You are working behind the scenes for my good/favour. Or that the path before me has already been paved and blessed.

Roll out of bed. During this time it was hard for me to be a morning person. So every day I would roll out and be awake only after I’ve bathed. Atleast through this, I will go to work rather than call in sick which I used to do quite a lot last year.

Focus on your immediate deadline. This will help your mind create a narrow vision and help you forget all the things you can’t control. The only con is that you will not be able to focus on your passions because your mind is only on work.

Take walks with anyone. Staying indoors made the room feel smaller. So whenever someone would visit I’d make them take walks with me so that I can let the tension escape in the air.

Drink wine. I’m the last person to suggest this but during this time I had a hard time sleeping. When I was in school I used to have sleeping tablets but I did not want to use those anymore so on Fridays I would have some popcorn and wine and have a really good night’s rest. During the week I would just pass out because of the late hours and ridiculous amount of work so it really helped on those early nights!

Everybody has different challenges but one thing we have in common is 24 hours and limited resources that we have to use wisely in order for us to make it!

You can make it!

xx

Passing Feelings

Hi everyone!

The past two days have definitely been trying times days.  I’m mentally, physically and spiritually exhausted. I try to put myself back together in some hours but it’s short-lived because I’m carrying so much and limited in so many areas.  It really takes a lot for me to try and not notice what’s going on but it kills me to do that as I’ve always thought of myself as a person that really lives and not just exists.

So on what happened. Yesterday two of my new colleagues told me that I speak in a disrespectful manner to the Director. Naturally, I tried to explain to them that I’ve been talking that casual to him ever since I started there and he’s never told me that I was out of line (well, except one time when I was upset that the client we were assisting were awful to us and he basically said that I needed to take that back and just eat it up). Their way of speaking to him is basically to avoid all humor and nod and smile. I don’t do that with anyone. I would not even know how to do that!

So I called my friend and because she knows me she understood where I was coming from and basically told me not to change to fit into someone’s definition of being respectful. My mom said the same thing. Mom also asked me to ask them to demonstrate what that 'respectful behavior' would look like. Lol! I also spoke to this other friend who was going through a hard time trying to find another job. Ended up spending the entire night motivating her to keep trying, so by the time I slept I felt better about what happened.

Then literally the next day I’m faced with other office drama that basically crippled my day after my lunch order wasn’t processed, after I spent a whole hour waiting for it. It even got to a point where I felt like I needed to resign. I have no idea why I’m so emotionally sensitive and it just feels like hard work to make each day work. The past weekend could also be playing a role as I tried to do a lot of things over two days and I could just be exhausted.

Point is that I’m writing this post after realizing how emotionally drained we can become of something that momentarily affects you. I never thought I could get over a bad mark in high school or an embarrassing event at university and right now it feels like what happened today will affect the rest of my life. But in a few months (or even tomorrow) it will be nothing more than something that happened that has nothing to do with me as a person.

I used to get severe heartburn when something like this would happen. I wouldn’t be able to function on anything else and I would spend hours replaying it. It’s currently happening now and I want more than anything to be in control of my mind and just make it stop. And sometimes it takes you saying: ‘I will not let this consume me’ and actually going as far as doing something productive in the time you would have wasted going around in circles about it.

I actually (and finally) downloaded my study material in order to get started with my assignments due on Monday and when that went slowly I decided to write this post and I’m going to try and study again after completing it. Not because I’m strong or persistent, but because I need to keep growing and keep evolving and I need to keep in mind that life is long. What would I look like if I became consumed with other people’s view of me all the time or how they feel about me.  If you live the best life possible, without having to step on someone else to achieve that, there’s nothing stopping you from being you!

Never waste time!

Love you!

Down but Not Out

Hi everyone!

I’ve been in such a spiral since January started. 2017 truly feels like an uphill battle where all the victories are short-lived. It really feels like no matter what I do, the paw-paw keeps hitting the fan and at this point it’s kind of pointless to clean up the mess. Currently I’m on leave for about 8 days that I desperately needed and I’ve spent about 5 of those days just going through the motions and properly addressing my feelings.

I think I’m ready to go back to work. I actually went awol because our firm is just so unfair in terms of how they treat us and there’s basically nothing you can do about it. So when I feel overwhelmed I just disappear and go offline until I feel better.

I’ve been looking at how I’ve just completely gone off the radar on my blog and channel. Youtube, especially because I’ve been trying to get a better lens since last year and I haven’t been in a good space to buy it. I’ve also been having extremes – emotionally. Which affected my writing and filming because I just felt bad about myself and my life in general. On some days when the sun would shine again, I would just soak that in by taking a walk or going out with a friend I’ve neglected.

If you know me, you’d know that I don’t believe in mood swings. Mostly because I wasn’t allowed to have any. When I started puberty my mom basically told me that I wasn’t allowed to be sour just because I was going through a natural thing. My mom is pretty controlling so if you know her, this would sound perfectly normal, LOL! So during this time of intense stress it was just better for me to retreat rather than be unhappy in public.

I’ve been thinking about how to make my blog mainstream and ‘commerciable’. I like talking about different things and I did not want to make it one thing so I made my channel more lifestyle with my name on it but I realized during this time that I like being under an alias or a brand that will represent me so changing all the banners is truly daunting but needs to be done in order to ‘continue from here’. I no longer want to go under ‘ClosetFreedom’ because it’s one of those things where looking back was good, but now you’re like ‘what were you thinking?’!

I want something that can represent my soul and my beliefs. Currently I truly feel kind of damaged and under intense strain so that is affecting this process. I also want to factor in my love for communication and helping people to be more understanding and open. It’s probably the only thing I loved doing this year. I got my results from the first semester yesterday and it went well with 2 out of the 3 subjects, which made me realize that I need to work harder and learn to prioritize better.

I’m excited going into the second half of the year even though it’s already August but I truly can not live my life without hope. I have to believe that I’m being battered in order to be able to handle something worse than this, hopefully very far in the future because I could seriously use a break this year!

Can’t wait to share my thoughts and views with you guys for the rest of 2017!

Stay blessed!

XX

Hello June

Hi everyone!

It’s been a minute! As we speak I’m sitting in front of a heater trying to keep warm. Nelspruit has NEVER been this cold. Last year I got a fan heater and barely used it. This year has been pretty interesting. I haven’t even gotten used to say that I’m 25 because I barely got time to celebrate it but things are definitely looking up, finally!

I always feel like I have to careful about what I share online now but like I’ve said before – my channel and blog is all about being open because I tend to be closed off and I started my blog because I didn’t want to be that way anymore. You guys know that every year is hard for me and I’ve always sort of had a meltdown about it. This year, however, it has gone quite a bit weird.

I bought a car last year and having it was quite hard. I was super scared of driving so if I could walk rather than drive, I would walk. And I never went to work with it because it would force me to drive my colleagues around and the reimbursements for that were never guaranteed. And before long I was forced to sell it in order to get my financials back on track.

So in December I had to kick out my brother because he was never reliable and he always put his friends before his family. And when the time came for them to do the same they kicked out like day old turkey which was a good opportunity for a lesson learned for him. So then no matter how much I advertised I did not get someone to fill his room by January so the whole month’s rent was on me which was really devastating.

Then I tried to survive from that and got someone in February but finances still kicked my butt because my family lived with me for 5 months and in that time I maxed out my credit card. A definite bad call and also filed under Lesson Learned. So then I finally sold my car but had a 20k shortfall on it which was the best deal I could get at the time. That hard time also taught me a lot about cars. Now by this time I’d been trying to sell it since February. It finally happened in April and I had to survive the rest of the month with the installment of the car already subtracted from my account.

Then at the end of that month I had to go to my cousin’s wedding that I only found out about in March that I couldn’t miss. Fortunately my mom was able to secure some cash on credit so that she can save me on the car and that also allowed me to go to the wedding. Then I was able to pay her since then sort of half of what my car’s shortfall was worth seeing that my contract ends in January (So I can only afford to make payments till January). So that’s what I’ve been doing since end of April.

During this time I’ve had additional issues. I haven’t been going to church, both my phones stopped working and I’ve become a total pessimist. My channel has been on a standstill and I was just not able to talk about it because I was trying not to be a mess in order to function properly at work and to appear normal which is of great personal growth to me. I normally crack at the first sign of a problem. And only fix it months later. I also had assignments and exams during this time and had great marks but I haven’t had money to pay tuition in order to see if I’ve passed or not but that will also get solved in the time when it does.

My biggest lesson in all of this is definitely to calm the f down. I’m always like a champagne bottle when it’s opened. I always run over. But now I’ve had to be okay with things I can’t change. For example – I’ve always wanted to learn how to highlight and contour. But without the proper funds and ‘good debt’ I’ve had to put it on hold for a year now. I’ve learned how to do my own hair and be okay with not shopping for clothes. My bedroom has looked the same for the past 2 years and I’ve had to be okay with that too. If you know how much I like décor you’d know how much of a slow burn that is for me. So basically I’ve just had to be okay with basics. I haven’t done that since the first few months of varsity in 2010!!

IT’S OKAY.

That’s become my 2 most spoken words. They save my life every day.

They can do the same for you!

One day at a time,

Love

A Traditional Family Wedding

Hi Everyone!

I just came back from my cousin’s wedding in the Free State! Gosh, I was soooo tired that I just climbed in bed when I got back and even had to take a day off in the week. I was, however, quickly restored because I’ve been on such a ‘happy high’ because I had a fantastic time catching up with my extended family!

So my cousin had a traditional wedding with a twist I guess (it’s becoming a trend in my family now) and all my family members looked absolutely amazing! The bride wanted the wedding to have a blue ‘shweshwe’ theme which really came together on the wedding day. My mom and I also like to edge it up and give it that modern lady look and I actually love how it turned out.

So we left Wednesday night because we were travelling by bus. I was actually super tired because I had a full work day and a bit of overtime that day and had to catch the bus at 11:30pm. We were stuck at Park Station for a while and it was ridiculously cold. I had one handbag and a camera bag with a little blanket (because I was wearing leggings) so that I could use it on my legs if it got cold and had to give it to my mom because she was wearing a denim jacket. I’ll repeat: A DENIM JACKET.

Fast forward to a thousand years later, we finally arrived and literally every member of my family rocked up and I was so happy to see them. I even got to meet a few relatives that I haven’t seen in a while. So my favourite part of the wedding was definitely decorating the venue with the bride and taking all the behind the scenes photos because it helped me to interact with people and capture the best moments.

Mom and I had our outfits made at home so it was relatively affordable and I definitely loved how it came together with the head wrap. The shoes ended up looking bomb with this dress but it was truly not planned because those are the only black shoes I own (other platforms would have been too slippery) that my feet were going to be able to manage to walk in a mountainous structure.

 What do you guys think of the wedding outfits?

xx

Flirty Florals

Hi everyone!!

Today has been the best day. I finally got time to edit and publish these photos!! I took them a long time ago and I’ve been drowning in work and assignments ever since! I’ve currently been assigned another client and completed most of my assignments so I’m feeling so relieved.

So the story behind the dress. This dress belongs to my sister. She left it by mistake when she moved out and because my work schedule got so hectic I never got time to do my laundry and one day I had no choice but to wear it. OMW. It fit like a glove. I normally like darker florals but this dress really gave me an upbeat attitude on a Monday and I’ve been having the worst term of my life!!

I’ve always worn bodycon dresses or pants with shirts at work because I’ve always been scared that a really windy day would have dreadful consequences for my booty so I’ve never considered shopping for similar dresses. But the material used for this dress gives you that comfort that it would not easily be blown away so definitely more of these in the near future!!

And now for a little update. I definitely want to do a lot more styling posts. I really miss that. And I also want to get back to my channel! Time is so limited and I have so much that I still want to achieve this year. I’m also going through so many changes. And also rebuilding my mindset. I allowed myself to be this negative and depressed person and being stuck in that has really limited my creativity. I’ll also be exploring our town a bit more. I’ve been so stuck indoors for a little more than six months now and I’m really missing out so I’ll be documenting that. (Should I try vlogging it instead?)

Stay tuned!

See you next time!

How to ease up your guilty conscious

Hi everyone!

I have a little bit of a writer’s block because I have an insane amount of stress (& heartburn) at the moment which is really good for lifestyle posts because then I have an urgent need to talk about it. I have no idea how I’m going to spend my time this weekend because I also have to go home (3 hours away) because I’ve been summoned to take measurements for my cousin’s upcoming wedding at the end of April. Solution would be to send the measurements right? Try telling my mom that.

So with all the political madness going on it has become even more important to build your own world because you can’t let the national negativity get you down. Neither should you allow  the international depression (Trump is still there. What is happening in Syria?)to trump your spirits. It’s very hard for us (let’s say educated black people) to move back home to minimize fixed costs and to try different jobs seeing that there’s already such a huge unemployment rate in our city and overall country. So sometimes you are stuck in your job.

This year I was supposed to add an academic element in my last year of articles but in order to set myself free I did not register for it and I did not notify my boss. You can imagine what a huge violation that is. I did not resign because I can’t move back home and start over. Thank you, Black Tax. And it was difficult to even get a job I’m over-qualified for. I still don’t know how that’s possible. So I effectively decided to just finish the year and add my completed articles to my CV. Sometimes I want to put it there as ‘3 years of intense slavery’.

So for the first month or so I was riddled with guilt because I have long asked him to be transparent because he’s always late and tells you about a meeting with a client 10 minutes before and expects you to know everything about it by the time you reach their offices. Even after that has been addressed with him, it seemed like he sees lateness and non-transparency as a lux lifestyle so I’ve decided to accept it that about him. Guess where I got my training from? I guess Daddy trained me well.

So how can you stop feeling guilt over something you did but did it for the right reason?

1.       Ask yourself if you could have done it any other way

2.       Ask yourself if this option lets you sleep better at night

3.       Ask yourself if you’re willing to deal with the consequences

4.       Ask yourself if this decision, other than the guilt, makes you happy

5.       Ask yourself if it will bring out new change

Last year I was severely depressed. I used to take sick days multiple times of the year because I did not have the strength to get up to go to work. It’s when I first discovered that your job can actually make you sick. So how did I apply the above?

I could have told my boss but he would have convinced me to register, backed up by legislation requirements (aka legislation threats). He would have also made work hostile because I wanted to ‘retaliate’. So there was no other way. Since making a new path I’ve become more excited about my evenings and weekends because I get to learn something new. I could get fired or my salary could get affected (consequences). Other than the temporary guilt I have been feeling much happier this year. It was hard at first but I’m definitely becoming more care free and happy. I’ve totally embraced the new change! It’s still a bit hard but it’s happy hard. Time management is still a bit of a problem and I’ve had to get used to writing again (for my assignments) so it’s a work in progress.

So you can see how the combination of addressing these questions was able to ease up a bit of the guilt. And it’s also a plus if the corresponding person makes it easy by being an uncontrollably inconsiderate person!

Put yourself first! Be brave!!

xx

How emotional turmoil can be physically evident

Hi everyone!

Something weird is happening. Yesterday I was in the middle of a sale of one of my assets and I was just overcame with insane anxiety. I had to submit an assignment last night and it’s still not complete now. I was just stunned. So normally I would just cry a bit because it releases some emotional pressure bit instead I called like 5 people and cleaned my place. I haven’t been able to clean it for almost 2 weeks and this morning it was as if it’s occupied by …well, a clean person! LOL!

So what does this mean?

Well 2 things have come to pass. My tearsgates are sealed TIGHT. Not one tear was available for me which made it extra frustrating! It’s like having a solution that temporarily works but now you can’t use it. Then I watched some Youtube videos and that was shortlived because I don’t know how the settings are right now but it’s so hard to discover new people so I got bored and shut it down. Then it was time to scrub the evidence so I bagged the garbage to get it ready for pick up the next morning, cleaned the kitchen and packed my bedroom into place. Clean environment = Clean Mind? Not exactly but it was a start because I felt a little lighter. It was already 2am so I did not force myself to finish up my assignment because being tired at work has had awful consequences for me in the past!

I think I’m familiar with what’s happening because my mom suffers from the exact same thing. Every time she’s faced with an emotional issue and tries to internalize it, it always comes out on her body. 

One time she had an operation done to cut out an unexpected, and yet to be explained, growth in her shoulder when my brother became an overnight rebel and alcoholic. She also keep being sick when she got a new principal that tried to destroy an orphanage that she spent 10 years building. That time she had to wear an eye patch after her eye got damaged when she kept getting a series of serious tension headaches. And the list goes on.

People think that having anxiety is an easy thing to ‘adopt’ just because a lot of people suffer from it now. However, some people have it but are not aware and then it makes itself apparent in different ways. One thing I can draw from my own experience is to find a step by step guide on how to go through the motions so that it can leave your body quicker or so that you can rebuild faster. Sometimes a whole week can pass you by without you knowing what happened and soon enough you won’t even remember what triggered it because you’ll be neck deep in a depression pit.

In the space of reaching my home at 5pm I went through insane worry. Will I be able to sell my asset? Do I want to sell it? Will I ever get out of financial trouble? Made some coffee thinking it will keep me calm. Met up with buyers. Buyers left with a lower offer than one I had in mind. Should I take a walk? It’s too dark now. Call friend. He tried to make me feel better but I can’t tell him about the sale because I did not tell him about acquisition. Call friend I haven’t spoken to properly since she gave birth. Network is awful. Friend calls me, love life trouble that I had I had to put brakes to because I don’t understand why my heartbeat is so fast. Am I upset about the sale. Mom calls, asks me when I’m coming home. Should I drive to the store? No. Should I take a nap? No, its only 9. Let’s watch Life in Pieces. Heartbeat the same but now feels coupled with heartburn. Open the windows and the fan. Prepare a soothing bath. Wash dishes and clean room first. Take a soothing bath. Try to sleep. Can’t sleep. Watch Life in Pieces again so that you can sleep.

 5am alarm goes off.

Work.

That is just one Tuesday night.

Concerning?

Definitely.

Do I still have the same worries this morning? Yes but it’s time to focus on work because I still need to function like an unaffected human being.

What will I do?

Finalize sale so that it doesn’t hibernate. The longer I struggle to end the chapter the more I’ll worry about being financially afloat. People think that you can ‘snap out’ of it by having a mindset change. I used to be one of those people. Until it’s you or someone you know. Yes, effective decisions definitely helps in order to get the ball rolling because the danger is not make a decision at all and to be crippled by the unknown.

Be brave! Find a way!!

Xx

Effective Problem Solving & Life Update

Hi everyone!

It’s been a few weeks now and I thought I should give you guys a life update. It’s only been 3 months into 2017 and I feel like I’ve gotten through more things than I have in 2016. I think last year I didn’t really deal with it in the right way so I’m trying several new methods this year that will hopefully be more sustainable.

All my spheres are basically under attack. Especially my family and that’s a real emotional soft spot for me because I’ve always been a worrier (changes in progress). I know that everyone has their own individual family issues which can be so much worse than mine so I’m not going to waste time going into details about it. My first priority this year was to move away from carrying full responsibility for their health, happiness and satisfaction. Now, this sounds very tough because, like most people, no-one wants to disappoint their family.

So as I’m doing this I’ve just realized that in order to succeed/pull this off I’ll need to shut down certain aspects of me that actually contribute to me as a person. Which includes generosity, caring for others and the desire to always assist in coming up with a plan (which is a skill I learned recently – prior to that I would just break down and cry if I hit a wall). I’ve always seen myself as having a huge guilty conscious – which up until recently I thought was good thing. I ‘used’ it to prevent me from lying and in order to keep my promises. LOL! I know, I know. In order to regain my power I had to learn to say No and to return ‘plscallme’ with another ‘plscallme’.

I had to learn to stop following up on things that don’t concern me. I’ve always been a gladiator for my friends and family. Always made sure that they were fine a week from now, a month from now and a year from now. And that has to stop. Mostly because it has become so expensive now that I have to call them. I also had to stop following up on things that do concern me. Especially things I can’t change. With my history with my father I sort of had to learn to accept people as they are and not how I want them to be. But for some reason my mind would not let me apply that to my own sibling and he has clearly taken advantage of my goodness and generosity for far too long without looking back to the damage it has caused me.

So in order to deal with it I had to build more walls in order to protect myself and in order to prioritize. I had to learn to put myself first. As I’m writing this, there’s so many people I want to catch up with and ‘follow up’ on them to see if they are coping but that goes against putting myself first because I haven’t stopped to ask myself: Am I okay? Am I satisfied? Where’s my life going? Am I still trying every day to be in line with my purpose? What is my purpose? Am I where God wants me to be? Am I growing at a reasonable pace? What is a reasonable pace? Am I making progress in my life?

Answers to these questions take time. And they also evolve. Some people go through an entire lifetime without asking themselves. Can you imagine what that’s like? To some it sounds easy right? Until you really have to evaluate the answers and the angle/perspective you’re answering them from. One thing I’m learning right now is to unload. I’m giving some things away that I’ve carried with me for years! Because by hoarding it, there’s no space for new things. I also feel like interacting with people less because they don’t realize that their view of me (or previous me) slows me down into developing into the person I want to be.

Life has no correct answers. In order to solve a problem you must first acknowledge it (even if it’s you) and then evaluate several possible outcomes and choose the one that will work for you (not the socially acceptable one) and then implement it!

Be brave!

xx

Room Decor Wishlist

Hi everyone!

Due to the ridiculous backlog of work I have, I rarely get time to stay on top of things ever since Donald Trump announced that he’s running for president. Yup, that far back. On the bright side January and February is behind us and I’m just so excited to just be in March with the early sunsets and the cold creeping in at night. My siblings just moved out and I’m looking to jazz up my place a bit.

I’ve been looking for inspiration everywhere and I just don’t understand why we have Netflix but we don’t have IKEA. Because it seems like IKEA is the only store we need for basically HOUSE DÉCOR AND LIFE DÉCOR! However, I’ve been looking around and it seems like Game and Makro are stepping up and have more things in store than ever before.

My budget is quite tiny but my dreams are unlimited so my wishlist is a mix of the pricier side and also some things I’ll be able to afford. I believe that I’m happiest in my room and bathroom so that’s where I’m going to start! I checked Superbalist and I loved 3 options:

 1, 2, 3

What do they have in common?

They are white (yasss because I’m grown now) and have minimal detail because I don’t like it if it’s completely plain. I think other similar colours that would have been okay, would have been light grey and mint because of how they are such ocean based colours.

MrPrice

I chose the same option from Mr Price Home even though they are more bolder with their designs and colours and they have more dramatic options!

For my living space I’m looking to also keep it minimal and as open as possible. My place opens up to this untouched area so it’s so vital to me for that space to have as much air/breeze as possible! I’m still deciding on the furniture side but I’ve been loving this couch for the longest time because it has no back. I’ve always been self-conscious about the oil in my hair leaving a stain and with this I don’t have to worry about the accumulated hair oil stains!!

3 seater couch

Coffee Table

I think I’ll probably end up going with a classic wooden table but for now I’m in love with this marble top with copper legs vibe on this coffee time because it just looks more than awesome and chic AF. Based on my budget though I think I’ll need to get an essential item like this affordable sleeper couch and just work the rest of the décor around that until I get a place of my own.

Sleeper Couch

To be quite honest, I have no idea why I've added the couches!! I think part of me still wants to place a one seater couch in my room -for reading and making sure I don't sleep too much! Bachelor flats are ridiculously expensive in Nelspruit so just because I live in a 2 bedroom flat doesn't mean that I necessarily need to utilize the living area. So I still work around a one bedroom mentality(if that makes sense).

Rail

Last but not least is something that I've always wanted! I don't really support clothes outside the closet(mainly because Nelspruit has soo much dust) but I thought it would cut my lateness(recently) to work and also help me do styling projects.

Hopefully the next time I do a room tour, everything will be ready!

Am I the only one who gets excited about decor?

What do you guys think of these pieces?

xx