Hi
everyone!
September
is basically birthday month for ALL my friends. Seeing that we’re so far away
from each other this year I decided to dig up some old videos and photos from
varsity and share it on our Whatsapp group. LOL! They freaked out so much. And
we just laughed because we really did have good times.
It
also made me realize how much time has gone by. Next week is our 8th
annual family reunion and this is my 3rd year in the working world.
I feel like going into an emotional fit because exactly 3 years ago I told my
family that Auditing & Accounting is not a good career for me. I remember
them being really tense about it. It wasn’t an easy decision for me to make
because I had just finished up my 5th year at university that time
but I remember being so relieved that I came to that conclusion.
You
guys know the story but fast forward to 3 years later, I’ve never felt this
depressed in my life. My blog became a place where I shared all the
frustrations and a quick fix guide to ‘getting it together’. To be quite honest
that really helped me because I would be completely depressed if I didn’t have
an outlet for all the negativity. I also feel like I’ve had the most breakdowns
than I’ve ever had in my life. Surviving them, only to be brought back into the
same situation is the worst thing to ever happen to me.
A few
days ago my friend called me in the morning and asked me what I was up to and
if I’m alright. At this point in my life – I truly hate that question. The
answer is no and please don’t ask me why because the answer is the same. It
also brought up the topic of good days and bad days. I’m never okay but I have
a job and bills therefore I can’t lie in bed and not get out. When I tried
doing that legally, I got a written warning because we’re short staffed and we
have a lot of work. So then I don’t have a choice. It’s either I quit or
continue to do a job I despise.
Right
now all the stress eating and a lack of self-care is showing. I feel so heavy
and tired all the time. I never wear make-up to work because I always need to
‘make it’ through the day rather than have a normal work day. I spend my
weekend indoors because I’m avoiding to much contact because people who want to
catch up have actual stories while I’m still unhappy about my life. These days
I’m unhappy with myself. I’m ruining me.
I no longer invest in myself.
Days
can go by without me actually knowing what’s happening. I always have deadline
upon deadline and the job is getting harder and harder. Worst part is that I
need to be fully awake. There are so many changes in my career and I always
need to know how it affects my client. And I really couldn’t care less. This
makes my contribution worthless. It also makes me the weakest link because the
public relies on the work I do and the fact that I never thought about it in
that till now absolutely scares and depresses me even more.
Here’s
the point (because I can’t stop talking about this): No matter how positive you
try to be, you can’t cover unhappiness. You can push a boulder up the mountain
but it will only get there if the motive is beneficial for you/result will work
in your favour. If not, then the boulder will, if not immediately, eventually
crush you. And that’s my life. Mornings are the hardest. I have a second when I
have to ponder if my job is worth it. I have to think about all the wrong
decisions taken that lead me to this point. And I wouldn’t wish that even on
the worst person on this earth.
It’s
why it’s important to always revisit the questions: What is my purpose on this
Earth? What am I doing? And who am I doing it for? Walking away might not be in
the cards but it’s always so important to use all your available time to keep
telling yourself that you have purpose and that you are deserving of a way out
and that you will not always be drowning in your own sorrow.
Change
your free time. Make sure that you don’t spend it crying about what you hate
doing!! See if that works!!
xx
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