A bit to the off the cliff side today and it always helps to just talk it out sometimes. As addressed previously I have a sort of strained relationship with my brother. We have to have been adopted because I just don’t see how our genes came together because there’s just always friction between us. So along with a crapload of changes that I’ve just gone through (will tell you guys about that shortly), I’ve also decided to move in with my brother and sister.
If you know us and our history you’ll also know that this is probably the worst idea in the world but we can’t go on like this forever. So when my mom called earlier she said that if living together causes any of you distress then we should just call it a day and scatter again instead of killing each other. So in this process I have to ‘let go’ of a few things in order for this to work which is also the trigger of all my anger/frustrations.
So to rehabilitate this I’ve decided to find the sore spots and build a wall around them. You can also do this with partners when you move in together. The point of the exercise is so that you’re able to deal with things you can’t change because chances are this will always happen or will improve only around the fifth time you bring it up.
1. Alcohol and other drugs.
In my opinion, there is literally nothing on this earth that I find as pointless as being a regular drunk. Nothing. It absolutely has no point and it’s even worse when you have no vision and you work for a monthly salary in a position that has no prospects. That job can be taken away from you at any time through retrenchments or any criminal charges (like DUIs or public intoxication). So if you work to drink then what's the point of life? There's no next level and I feel like you're just waiting around for something to happen to you. So seeing that I'm a planner and goal setter I find it next level frustrating to deal with a person who is drunk on a weekly basis and has no 5 year plan. OMW!!
- Remedy: Let it go and do not mix it with you daily life. Let them have their own key and never say anything about it. If you rely on them and they don’t show up because they are sleeping it off then it’s time to learn how to drive(in my case) so that you can be your own person. When they are ready to quit, they will. Otherwise just go upwards and onwards. My biggest downfall that led to anger was that I cared more about his future more than he did. I cared more about the damage that he was causing to himself and all the broken relationships that came with it. If a substance hurts your family and you choose to continue with it that automatically means you choose it over your family. And they will eventually choose themselves over you too.
2. If they are always defensive.
Omw, there is nothing that I hate more than a blanket apology because when they get used to throwing it around, it will never stop. If they are always defensive it can also mean that they don’t see what they did wrong. They will defend/justify what they did with their last breath. Some people only apologize so that you can let them in again. And when everything is quiet and just when they are at the center of your heart again, they strike. Like a vicious snake and leave you to bleed out. I've gone through this so many times and trust me it will never stop until you stop listening to the justifications and the reasons. At the end if they love you and they know what they are doing is wrong and they still do it, only to put in all their effort defending it then you are just a clock on the wall. Just ticking away till the next time they do that again.
- Remedy: If you manage to remain calm, just occupy yourself with something productive like dishes or calling a friend about something silly to sort of get the edge off. When everything is calm again then talk about where it all went wrong and where there are areas of improvement. If that doesn’t work then depending if you can live with that or not you move on and build around it/learn to ignore. If it's a dealbreaker and they can't seem to fix it, then it's time to call it a day and move on.
One thing about troubled siblings or partners is that they always need something from you. Maybe they always want money or they always drive your car or something similar. Like clockwork, especially if you can’t say no. But then it angers you to think they can’t do something of a minimal effort for you but they always expect something significant from you. You should never feel like you're the one making the most effort. No relationship can exist if it's only one-sided because then it's destined for failure for sure! Before the most important person in your life can be the one you care about, it first has to be you. Because you can't be there for others, if you yourself are not there. So if YOU feel like you're always the one giving, it's time to speak up and let them know that it's time to pick up their socks!!
- Remedy: Step 1 is to say no. If that’s not possible then always ask for something they owe you in order for them to get what they want because chances are that they will not be able to give it back. It’s a bit difficult to apply but will help your emotional state. Step 3 is to let the person know that it's time for them to put in a little effort. Sometimes guys can get so comfortable and take you for granted so in order to fix that you'll need to let them know that they need to treat you right or fairly(in case of brothers).
It’s quite sad when people that obviously care about each other go through a rough patch but it’s so important to not be a boiling pot because it makes you feel insane and nothing is solved at the end.
So in finding the sore spots I hope you can find the time to resolve it in a more peaceful way so that everybody can learn from each other!